witeduv719's Blog

Just a little laugh for today...we all need one sometimes.

Have a great day!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and
looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder
knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed
and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
 
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave,
that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring
rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on
that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told
us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian
thing to help him."

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He
opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey,
do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing set."

Ok people...ENOUGH with Brad & Angelina!!! They are PEOPLE...HUMAN just like US!!!
Yes, she is beautiful, but so are a million other women! And Brad is good looking but I have
seen a LOT better. There's millions of great-looking men out there. The only difference is
most men & women don't have the money that B & A have. SO WHAT!!!

I LOVE movies! To me they are just books in live-action, 3D viewing. I even have actors &
actresses that I really like. But they are JUST HUMANS that are OVER-paid for the work
they do. And a lot of them LOVE the fame. In my opinion they should get paid hourly like
normal people and pay for benefits like everyone else.

I do think it's great that these two, along with plenty of other "famous" people, are giving so
much of their time, energy and money to help those less fortunate. KUDOS for these unselfish
acts to all of you. I have nothing against any actor/actress personally. And I know most of the
hoorah is caused by the stupid press. And by people whose lives must be mundane & unhappy
to have to dwell on the "famous" people. Give it a rest already. Leave the stars alone!!!

And then you have the birth of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's twins. Wanting to spend so much
money (MILLIONS!!!) just to get pictures of their babies. GET REAL!!!! People are acting
like NO one has ever had twins before!!! (I happen to have twin sisters a year older than me).
SO WHAT!!! And to say they will be two of the most beautiful babies in the world. PLEASE!!!
I think my grandbabies are two of the most beautiful babies in the world!!! My sisters both think
their grandbabies are the most beautiful babies in the world!!! My friends think thier babies
and/or grandbabies are the most beautiful babies in the world!!! And I even read where one
woman said that their other child (by birth, not adoption) was the coolest, most adorable baby
on the PLANET! That POOR DEPRIVED woman apparently hasn't seen very many babies!!!!
Even though I AM partial to MY grandbabies (and my own two when they were babies), I have
seen MANY babies that are absolutely BEAUTIFUL. Just because their parents are famous
and pretty doesn't automatically make the baby perfect. And to Brad & Angelina, this is not
anything against you, I'm sure your baby is beautiful, the pics I have seen of your kids show
that all your children are beautiful...as all children are.

My gripe is against the people that think stars are DEITIES!!! Stars are PEOPLE, just like
everyone else, the only difference is they have lots of money and the media writing about
them all the time. THEY ARE HUMAN! They are born, live, get hurt, laugh, cry, eat, sleep, go to
the bathroom, get sick, get well and die just like everyone else! Good grief, let them live their
lives without a bunch of idiots bothering them! They deserve privacy just like the rest of us!

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him, so he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, prince of darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering. Why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with all the others?"

"Oh those..." Satan groaned.

"They're all from Ohio and they're still too damn cold and wet to burn."

True Friendship Is None Of That Sissy Crap
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good?
But they never actually come close to reality.
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-
Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
 
 
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge on the person who made you sad.
 
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
 
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in or you just got laid.  
 
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
 
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be
    until you quit whining..
 
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
 
7. When you are sick -- stay away from me until you are well again.
    I don't want whatever you have.
 
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsiness.
 
This is my oath, I pledge to the end.
"Why?" you may ask.......
"Because you're my friend."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A good friend will help you move!
A REALLY good friend will help you move a body.
Let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it,
But only you can feel the true warmth.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing  his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror. 

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,  made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,  the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller  Coaster, everythingthere was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife  with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"  
 
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Here ya go fellas...hehehe

Happy Birthday To gyro & super :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday both of you
I hope your days go well
I'm glad to have you as my friends
I think you both are swell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For gyro_jumper

An Oldie But Funny For superbrowns...
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents"
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest
of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback!
Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

Thank you both for accepting me as your cyberfriend. :)

Eight Words with Two Meanings

1.    THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2.    VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3.    COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4.    COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5.    ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6.    FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7.    MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.  

8.    REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

I received this in an email from a friend and thought I'd share with my new friends.

Hope you all enjoy it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
 A day without sunshine is like night.
 On the other hand, you have different fingers.
 
 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
 Remember, half the people you know are below average.
 He who laughs last thinks slowest.
 Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
 
 The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
 Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
 
 If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
 When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
 Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
 Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
 
 How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
 Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
 
 Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
 Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
 Light travels faster than sound...
That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos...
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.