MyFoxPhilly

With the election season in full swing and Pennsylvania playing a starring role, I've been receiveing a fair few questions regarding election etiquette. Here is a sample of things I've been asked on this timely topic:

Dear Social Grace,
Every year at this time, my sister-in-law corners me, wanting to know for whom and what I'm going to vote. Whether I answer or not, she lectures me on the "right" choices. We have very different affiliations and opinions. What's a polite way to tell her that it's none of her business and she has to stop this???

Grace Says:
Tell her as nicely and firmly as possible that you make a point of never discussing politics or voting, as it never ends well and you refuse to impose your ranting, raving self on people you like. Then change the subject to something that she can't resist discussing: her son's bronze medal in the state tiddly-winks tournament, her latest assessment on who will win "Dancing With the Stars" or the neighbor's extra-marital extracurriculars.

Dear Grace,
I have 2 children, ages 6 and 8. I think it is important to educate them at an early age on the importance of civic engagement, and obviously, voting. I have brought them to the polling place with me in the past to show them the process. They are well behaved and quiet. We don't go at peak times, and we whisper when inside the voting booth. Once or twice in the past, we have received snide comments and sneers from people who seemed to disapprove of the kids' presence. Things like, "They don't look like they're of legal voting age" (and this not said in a good-natured way) or "Hope they don't hold things up, I'm in a rush." I generally ignore this, but now my kids are getting to the age where they will be aware of these comments--I am concerned that this might happen this year and they will be upset. How do I handle these anti-kid folks?

Grace Says:
Applause for getting your kids involved in the political process early. I share your tradition; my kids always "help" me push the buttons on Election Day.

The sad fact of the matter is, no matter how well behaved your children might be, or how considerate you are of others' time and space, there simply are meanies out there. It's tough to be a Grace among Grunts. In such instances, a tolerant smile is the often the best course. In the case of the hurried voter, you could certainly offer him/her your place in line--undeserving though he/she might be, it is a gracious way to diffuse the situation and puts you firmly on the high road.

Dear Social Grace,

Every year, my daughter's school hosts an Election Day Bake Sale. I don't bake, and there is constant pressure to present restaurant quality treats for these kids to sell. It seems ridiculous for me to purchase and donate pastries from a shop at $2.00/each and have the kids resell them for 50 cents, but I don't want to be unsupportive of the fundraising efforts. This is an annual tradition, my daughter is only in first grade, and I have two younger children coming up behind her--this is going to be a problem for me long into the future--how do I handle it?

Grace Says:

With honesty. Let the parents in charge know that you are supportive of their efforts and while baking is akin to torture for you ,you would still like to help.

I suggest any of the following alternatives:

1. Offer to make a cash donation in the amount that a batch of treats would generate.
2. Donate other needed items--napkins, ziploc bags, or drinks should be a welcome and necessary addition.
3. Volunteer to help at the sale--even if you don't bake anything, you can certainly help onsite with setup, sales, and cleanup.

Having done a fair bit of volunteer work myself, I can state with near certainty that your offer of help, even if it does not involve immersing your french manicure in sugar, flour and butter, will be very much appreciated by the organizers.

Most importantly, Graces, make sure you get out and vote!

When did civil discourse become so uncivil? Why has it become necessary to attack the people when we disagree with their ideas? In the political arena campaigns "go negative" all the time--and it does not in any way guarantee victory. Remember Bob Dole's assault on Bill Clinton's character? Clinton went on to a successful 2-term presidency--maybe with an indiscretion or 2, but still. How about Hillary's attacks on Barack: plagiarism, insufficient racial pride, even "Shame on you, Barack"--check the polls, Graces; she ain't winning.

And this ugliness is not limited to the national front. I recently witnessed some equally uncivil displays right here in my little urban village....

It all started with a hole in the ground. An eyesore, to be sure, that sat ugly and gaping for 10 years. Then some clever guys came in with a plan to build a luxury hotel and condo, along with spa, retail boutiques, and a 5 star restaurant. Yay, I say. I love luxury hotels, 5 star restaurants, spas and retail boutiques!

But the Hysterical Preservation Committee got their knickers in a knot over the height of the building and sharpened their knitting needles. They waged email campaigns. They packed meetings with rabble rousers who shouted and booed and hissed, made personal attacks on neighbors, cast aspersions at the architects, they shook their fists and foamed at the mouth.

You get the picture, Graces--I need not belabor the point or continue with a seemingly endless list of conduct unbecoming even the Salem Witch Hunters or Senator Joseph McCarthy. Now, I grant that people are absolutely within their right to oppose whatever they wish--I merely object to their methods. Can't they just be polite and respectful in their discourse? Must they descend to levels of behavior generally reserved for the so-called hooligans at rural English soccer matches? And I know this phenomenon is not unique to my little corner of the world--it is widespread and rampant. We are in the midst of yet another rudeness epidemic.

Differences of opinion are a fact of life; they don't necessitate open warfare and can generally be smoothed over with a bit of, well, grace. Graces don't agree just for the sake of social ease, but neither do we shred a person in an effort to counter his statement. We're all for the respectful interchange of diverse ideas.

I favor the First Amendment. I am fond of Voltaire--remember him? "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." Ok, I wouldn't defend to death, that is a bit extreme and Graces abhor extremism, but, remember Monsieur Voltaire lived in the days of honor duels--different times, different customs. I like the basic sentiment.

So, give it a shot. Share your opinion, listen to others'. But for the occasions when the discourse heats up to a temperature that threatens civility, I pose some suggestions on how to graciously disagree:

--"Well, [Insert name of pontificating blowhard], you have obviously given this a lot of thought and study. I don't think we will see eye to eye on it, but I am impressed by the extent of your knowledge." Then change the subject or excuse yourself.

--"I've certainly heard and read similar opinions, but I view it differently." Then change the subject or excuse yourself.

--"Trite but true: let's agree to disagree." Then change the subject or excuse yourself.

I offer lots of other ideas on subject changes, conversational parries and escape routes.

In the meantime, lead by example, Graces. There's plenty of material out there on which to opine-- you know I have a few of opinions of my own and I share them often--but let's keep it civil. And when you can't, exit stage right.

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