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It's a jungle out there, Graces. No, I'm not referring to the climate, the crime wave, or even the spring sale racks at Bloomies. Rather, I am talking about the minefield of social greetings that is wreaking havoc on hands and cheeks everywhere. Recent experiences with handshakes and hello kisses in social settings have prompted me to offer some commentary....
Let's start with the handshake. I was at a political luncheon yesterday and the things went from bad to worse. Upon arrival, I walked around the room, meeting as greeting as expected. Several times over the course of the event, I had to check my hand for nicks and cuts, fearing a wound from the rough, cracked paws extended my way. Then, my black opal ring, a relic from a long-ago trip to Australia, nearly broke in half when some he-man gripped me like a vice. Later, I greeted a table mate, and shook his hand, which was so limp that I temporarily mistook for the fish that was being served. Then I chastised myself, thinking the poor bloke had an injury or paralysis, only to see the “dead fish” miraculously resurrect when time came to dig into the poached salmon. So, what can we do to combat this scourge?
If you are attending one of these schmoozefests, you know you'll be shaking a lot of hands. Apply some smoothing salve. No one wants to firmly grasp sandpaper when saying hello, so apply some neutral hand-cream in preparation. (I love L'Occitane Shea Butter Hand Cream and Dr. Haushcka Hand Cream, but there are literally hundreds of reasonable choices on the market.) Avoid greasy and/or heavily scented products, especially if a sit- down meal is involved. Your peppermint-watermelon-hyacinth lotion may have a lovely aroma, but it does not enhance the tenderloin au poivre.
And as for the pressure element, think firm not crushing. My rule of thumb (pardon the unintentional and rather appalling pun) is to mimic the grip your favorite manicurist uses when beginning the hand massage portion of your service.
Which brings me to my next diatribe.
Kiss My...
How many cocktail parties have you attended where the single-, double-, and sometimes even triple-cheek kiss is the greeting of choice? I went to one last Saturday. It was lovely. And some of the smooches were rather nice as well. Except for the ones that weren’t. I won’t dwell on the nice kisses—not much to tell there—and let’s face it, if there were it would have been more about what the kissing led to and Graces don’t share details. No, let’s stick with the ones that got a grade of NI for Needs Improvement.
For starters, mind your breath. If you’ve been quaffing gin or bourbon all night, consider the fumes, which in some cases are downright flammable. Fortunately, smoking has gone out of fashion or we could be in danger of combustion. Also think about the garlic, whiffy cheese, raw onion, or pungent fish you may have ingested. Delicious to chew and swallow, no doubt; not so much to inhale. Consider mints or Binaca as a way to freshen things up.
And finally, how about the state of your lips? No one wants a scraped cheek from a smooch. Can you imagine explaining that to your boss on Monday? "Good Morning, Mr. Fernblatt. My cheek? Oh, that? Just a minor kissing injury from Saturday night." I think not. So, try maintaining lubed lips with a moisturising balm from Keihl's or True Blue Spa .
Let's do our part to make hello greetings a pleasant experience as opposed to a hazard to be navigated with caution.
I have a confession to make: I don't love shopping. I am a hunter, not a gatherer. This trait (or fault, depending on your perspective) has caused several of my fellow Graces to refuse shopping excursions with me. Oh, sure, I can navigate my way around a boutique well enough, and I certainly (and not surprisingly) have strong opinions about attire. I strictly follow Grace Guidelines when I choose my outfits, but I don't relish the search and seizure process nearly as much as many of my fellow Graces. Consequently, I often seek the counsel of the style gurus in my Grace Crew for these weighty matters.
So, I asked them. What is your absolute must have, can't live a day without, do not pass go, do not collect $200 til you have procured this item for the spring season. Here are their responses......
Back for a visit, Grace M says:
For me, the coming warmer months are all about color, a departure from my cold-weather blacks and browns. And none of these will cause sticker shock.
Handbag:
I adore this bag especially in yellow or blue, from my beloved Boden.
Am also in love with this great faux leather tote from Big Buddha.
Tees:
As usual, J. Crew's selection of colorful tees is among the best for variety, quality and affordability.
Sandals:
I collect Jack Rogers Sandals but gotta say these far cheaper "gems" from Zappos are seriously tempting.
Headbands:
They invoke Capri in the 1960s. If that's not Summer, what is? Amy Schwab Designs has a great selection of patterns and fabrics.
Grace adds: Calista Cove also has a lovely collection of headbands.
Grace J: One fabulous accessory: Latico's clutch wallet with a gorgeous floral print in super soft, lightly textured leather. Flowers and primary colors are huge this season, so this covers two trends in one!
Grace A: Isaac Mizrahi's Yellow Trench Coat. Yellow is everywhere this spring, and if you decide you hate the coat by Memorial Day, you can pitch it without guilt since it was an exceptionally economical acquisition.
Grace MH: Higher-waisted jeans. The new Citizens of Humanity are comfortable, flattering, and completely devoid of a muffin top. Love 'em.
Back to Grace: I concur; I'm over low-slung pants. Moderately low rise is ok; those that barely clear the pubic bone are incompatible with modern enlightened thought, not to mention Gracedom.
Grace L: flattering capris--the right length, the right cut, the right fabric; desperately seeking denim.
Grace says: Sorry, L, I disagree; I think 'flattering capris' is a contradiction in terms.
Grace P: Metallic bags and shoes; anything red.
Grace KN: Patent leather sandals and belts.
Grace N: A pink floral handbag.
Grace S: Green peep toes.
Grace R: White Kitten Heel Sandals. The perfect way to spice up my favorite sundress!
And finally, my "must have" for spring? A party, of course! More on that in a future post. In the meantime, Graces, enjoy the warm weather, the spring fashions, and have fun acquiring your "must haves" for the season!
It never ceases to amaze me....but if it did, I suppose I would be out of a job...."It" being the appallingly bad behavior of our fellow wo/men in social situations.
I was recently forced to behold some glaring examples.....Last week, I attended a party for a group of young professionals who hold leadership positions in countries all over the world. They were invited to the US for a 2-week symposium during which they will tour around, meet and greet, attend conferences on a variety of topics, and return home slightly, hopefully edified.
I was having a lovely conversation with a gentleman from Pakistan who had pioneered irrigation practices in his region and revitalized the agricultural opportunities for thousands of families. A fellow party guest wandered into our ken. My foreign friend introduced himself, "I am Abu from Pakistan". The new arrival said, "Oh, are you a terrorist?" I tried to downplay the incident, saying to Abu, "Please ignore him; we don't let him out very often and you can see why," but the damage was done.
Later that evening, a Professor from Beijing was forced to endure a peanut gallery of carping about China's poor human rights record. The carpers neglected to recognize that the intellectuals, (like Professor, for example) are the ones whose human rights are customarily violated.....
Lest you think this little shindig was a rarity in rudeness....
I was recently dining at a Thai restaurant and had the misfortune to overhear a fellow patron interrogating his server on the tolerance of the child sex industry in Bangkok. Needless to say, I was sure to order dishes vastly different from his in the event that the justifiably irate server spit in the interrogator's food.
My friend recently returned from a trip to her hometown in India for where she stood as a bridesmaid at her cousin's wedding. While there, she participated in a mehendi ceremony, the pre-wedding ritual in which women have henna tattoos decoratively painted on their hands. Upon returning stateside, she was asked by a dad at school pickup, "Do you have leprosy?"
And it's not limited to international incidents.
A reader recently shared the following about her neighborhood ladies' night:
"We all gathered at a friend's house for soup, wine and conversation. One of the guests arrived after we had been seated around the table. She didn't like the remaining vacant seat, so she proceeded to uproot and rearrange everyone else--all 9 of us! Rather than make a scene, we complied, but it was very unpleasant."
And my personal favorite.... My poor husband had the ill luck to open the door to a high maintenance diva guest one evening, offered her a drink and spent the next 20 minutes (do you know how long 20 minutes is in the life of a host at a party??) trying to accommodate her beverage needs. As is customary, we provided a decent array of choices--pitchers of Fish House Punch, of course-- and Margaritas, red and white wine, a wide assortment of beer, soda (diet and regular), sparkling water, still water, and seltzer.
Unfortunately, this was unsatisfactory for "sugar free, wheat free, chemical free, bubble free, plastic-free, organic" lady (who, by the way, until 3 weeks prior to our party adhered to none of these principles.) She recoiled at the bar offerings, and ultimately, reluctantly, condescended to Grey Goose vodka with spring water and 6 squeezed lime wedges. No ice, of course, because it came from the "poisonous" tap, but the fact that the drink was consequently tepid produced quite a grimace. This only after my poor husband dumped several other attempts down the drain. He foolishly began mixing her drink in the keg cups provided. Egad, plastic! (the chemicals; dump). He then put a dash of bottled lime juice into the glass--which was deemed "highly toxic", (dump) then, the aforementioned ice cubes, (oh, the horror; dump) then seltzer (carbonation; dump). He ended up lying to her about the organic certification of the limes. When she asked that he peel them to remove any possible pesticide residue that might have migrated from other produce in our fridge, he handed her a knife and pleaded hostly duties.
It was only his deeply instilled southern hospitality that prevented him from slamming this beast on the mazzard. Or justifiably stabbing her with the lime knife. I would have swung after the ice cubes. (And I have to wonder, with all those health concerns, where does vodka fit on the food pyramid?)
So, where does that leave us, Graces?
In the situation involving the international visitors, it's not that difficult; simple engagement of the frontal lobe would suffice. If you are hosting such a gathering, be selective with your guest list. I avoid the racial/ethnic joke-telling types in general, but especially bar them from this type assemblage. When you are fortunate enough to be invited to such a festivity, just use your customary Grace. If you have a chance to read up on some of the latest news from these lands, great--but if not, you'll still be fine with a modicum of decorum. Rather than ask an obviously educated, professional Indonesian woman if she works in a rice paddy, ask her how she is enjoying the US. Ask about her job/family/hobbies. What she misses most about her native country when she travels. What are the greatest differences she observes between her country and others. You don't need a geo-political thesis for a pleasant, respectful interaction. Just a touch of, well, Grace.
My friend with the hennaed hands? Choose, in ascending order of graciousness, any of the following: "Yes, want some?"; a withering look; or a brief explanation of mehindi.
As far as the musical chairs guest, I say, vexing, but not worth the scene. You know my position on scenes--chew the tongue off first. And maybe madam has a good and personal reason for rearranging--perhaps she is hard of hearing on one side. Perhaps she is left handed and needs to be on the end. Or, perhaps she's just a control-freak who wants what she wants when she wants it. When possible, Graces, don't sweat the small stuff, and this definitely counts as small. Annoying, rude, and inconsiderate (I didn't even get to her tardiness), but not worth the bother of engaging.
All we can do is try to spread the Grace. Lead by example, and keep up the good work!
The following question recently came in from a reader obviously in need of advice. While its subject matter is one that I normally wouldn't discuss (Graces don't share bedroom antics or highly personal information, ) I was so mindboggled by the dilemma that I couldn't resist. Besides, I've never met a question I wouldn't try to answer, and Graciously Declining is an important skill to have. So, here goes....
Dear Graces,
My wife is an avid reader of your blog and she recommended that I put this dilemma before you, because we are stymied. It requires a bit of background explanation, so please bear with me on the length of my question.
Here's the situation: I am a small business owner. I am very dependent on referrals for my clients, and I have one particular source (I'll call him Bob) that has provided a steady stream of customers and revenue. Wanting to keep Bob happy, I occasionally take him out for lunch or drinks. At one of our outings, Bob revealed that he and his wife (I'll call her Jane) are heavily involved in a variety of, for lack of a better term, "Different Strokes" of the X-rated variety. (Incidentally, both Bob and Jane are in their 60s.) Of course, I don't care what he does in his spare time, and I want to keep our very profitable business relationship thriving, so I listened tolerantly, changed the subject asap, and things marched on just fine.
Fast forward to last weekend, when I had a reunion of 8 college buddies. We had a traditional "guy time" planned--steaks on the grill, a few cases of beer, fishing, pick-up games of touch football and some Bruce Willis movies. Early Saturday morning, Bob called me. I cringed, thinking that one of our machines had crashed and I would be spending the next 4 hours repairing it, but that was not the case. Bob asked, "Isn't this the reunion weekend with your 8 fraternity brothers?" I answered, "Yes, but that's ok if you need something, I'll take care of it and meet them later." Bob said, "Well, I would like to invite you all over this afternoon for a get-together with Jane, myself, and some friends from our 'adult group'." (His suggestion was more graphic but I can't bring myself to share its exact content in mixed company. Rest assured, Graces, he was suggesting far more than G&Ts on the patio).
I'm not a speechless guy, but what could I say? I ended up mumbling something about running it by the rest of the guys and that we'd get back to him. Of course we never did, but he called again a few hours later and left a voice mail repeating the offer.
I am going to have to deal with this soon; I've been dodging his calls for a few days, but business dictates that we have to interact, and my connection with him has been positive and lucrative for me. Help!
--Staying Anonymous For Obvious Reasons
Wow, I have heard a lot of etiquette dilemmas, but this one is rather unique. Although I heartily disapprove of public discussions about what goes on in your bedroom (jacuzzi, kitchen floor, backseat) I would never abandon a reader in need of advice. And in truth, declining an offer of any kind can seem like a bit of a rebuff--but saying "no thanks" to an offer of over-familiarity with the wife is a pretty extreme rejection. Here are a few suggestions on how to handle it:
--Ignore it completely and pick up your business relationship as if nothing had happened. The fact that you never called back sends Bob the message that you are not interested. Ideally, he will do the same and you can resume your profitable affiliation as if the offer had never been extended.
Unless that doesn't work.
--Address it head on: "Bob, about your offer last weekend.....I am certainly flattered, but Susan and I don't have an open marriage. We are mutually exclusive, and that works for us, but thank you anyway." Then move the topic quickly to your new machines, the Phillies lack of pitching, or the weather.
--Flatter him (and her): "Bob, it's great that you and Jane are so compatible and have made an arrangement that works so well for you. I appreciate the proposal you made last weekend, but I couldn't possibly trade the short term pleasure you offered for the long term difficulty that it would present for me with regard to Susan. You know the old saying 'different strokes for different folks.'" (Be careful with this one--you don't want him thinking that you actually want to participate if only your wife would let you.....)
This particular scenario is extreme, but the dilemma is fairly common. Not how to say "no thanks" to an orgy; rather, how to say "no thanks" to something that is offered to you with intended generosity and you have absolutely no interest in accepting....Your neighbor offers you zucchini from her garden. Aside from the fact that you hate zucchini, you know that she sprays with pesticide that has resulted in squirrel corpses all over the neighborhood. A colleague offers you a ride home, but he is a horrendous driver and has at least one crash a month. A neighbor offers to mind your children, but hers are in the ER frequently. (Or, a client offers his wife to you and 8 of your buddies for the afternoon).
The response is essentially the same. Thank them sincerely, then firmly decline, offering a non-negotiable reason if you wish. "So sweet of you to offer. Thanks anyway, but_______________" (fill in the blank from applicable selection below):
--I'm all set. This is all purpose and should do the trick unless the person is particularly insistent. If so, try the following:
--I'm allergic to zucchini/My sister just gave me a bushel from her garden.
--I'm on a new fitness program and I walk home from work/take the train and walk from the station/I'm in a carpool.
--We're just on our way out, maybe some other time/They're just getting over a nasty virus and I would hate to infect your household.
We hope these help. Good luck!
Dear Social Graces,
I am mad, mad, mad. Here's why: My daughter,
who is many wonderful things, but not a linguist, has a tutor for
Spanish class. The tutor is a teaching assistant at school, a lovely
young woman training to be a full time teacher. I pay Senorita a fair
wage to do this extra work and the arrangement is improving my
daughter's skills mucho. No harm to anyone, and helping the kid. Until
the supervising teacher decided that Senorita was breaking a rule by
earning money privately, in her classroom, after hours, without a
supervising teacher on site. We managed to find an alternate plan which
is not quite optimal but works passably. How do I deal with the
tattletale who willfully sabotaged an arrangement that helped a
struggling student?
Mad Mamacita
Dear MM,
I, too,
abhor gratuitously officious behavior, especially when it sacrifices a
benefit to a kid. And I commend you for getting your daughter what she
needs under the circs. You won't like my suggestion, but I swear it is
the way to go. Thank "Rulie Julie" for her hospitality and kindness in
allowing your daughter the use of her classroom for her previous
tutoring sessions. Play dumb about the cause and source of the
termination. Consider a card or note, possibly even a small token
giftie.
Here's the script: "Ms. Julie, I just want to thank
you for your generous hospitality in allowing Ashley and Senorita to
use your classroom for tutoring. It has really helped Ashley with her
Spanish. I know they had to move for some safety code or something, but
I am no less grateful to you for your assistance up to this point. I
would have said all this in June when term ended, but it still true
even though they are no longer using your space."
Yes, it is a
wrench, and you might choke a bit on the words--but we promise Rulie
Julie won't give you any more trouble. She might even feel a tad
guilty. Should you ever need a favor from her down the road, you're
well-positioned--and don't forget, she interacts with your daughter
every day--best to keep that relationship positive and unclouded by
your (perfectly justified) anger. Trust me, the Moral High Ground has a
much better view (even if you're not quite sincere in your ascent).
And
bear in mind that Rulie Julie may have been correct in following the
letter, if not the spirit, of the law--there are rules that govern
intern teachers working with students, codes that determine after-hours
use of the building, liability concerns, etc. But of course, we still
agree with you--we're sure RJ could have found a way to help, rather
than hurt the situation. That's what a Grace would have done.
Dear Graces,
How do you suggest reacting as a passerby when witnessing a toddler throwing a 7- alarm tantrum on the sidewalk?
Please advise.
Dear Innocent Bystander,
We've
all been there in one form or another. About the only thing I
absolutely bar is chastising the suffering caregiver (judgmental
stares, comments and barbs are unhelpful at best and mean spirited at
worst.) Any of the following are perfectly acceptable reactions:
--Ignore the spectacle completely. Avert your eyes. Give the scene a wide berth and keep moving.
--Make
a supportive/humorous gesture or comment. A knowing smile, nod, wave or
shrug does the trick. Or say something like: "Been there, done that";
"Well, looking on the bright side, you know he has healthy lungs!";
"Naptime? Me, too!" or "My sentiments exactly!".
--Help.
Retrieve the garments the tot is rending. Offer to hold Mom's bag while
she wrestles kid into the stroller, or stay with the infant while she
chases the toddler into the street. If you happen to have a full flask
on you, give her a swig.
Dear Social Graces,
I carpool with a
neighbor every day--I drive to middle school, she picks up. It works
out fine, except that the neighbor's 8th grader brings a large iced
coffee into my car every morning--and she spilled it yesterday. I was
against this practice from the start for a variety of reasons--my
upholstery, the example she is setting for my daughter, and of course,
her health, and I really wish I had done something about it earlier. My
question is twofold: 1) How do I make sure she doesn't bring any more
drinks into my car, and 2) Do I have any shot of having her mom pay for
the detailing and cleaning bill I am going to incur? (My car really
reeks!)
Dear Reader,
I am so sorry about your reeking backseat. Your course of action is as follows:
Tell
Java Jane that you are not allowing beverages in your car. Don't
elaborate, don't point fingers, don't blame the new rule on her by
reminding her of the spill and don't chastise her. Keep short and
sweet. If she shows up with her Mocha Latte again, politely say, "JJ,
You'll have to dump/finish/put back in your fridge the drink before we
can leave. No drinks in my chariat." Or, you can call her mom and say,
"Judy, I don't want to make Jane feel uncomfortable, but there was an
accident with her coffee this morning, and the entire cup dumped over
the back seat of my car. In order to prevent future spills, I am
instituting a 'no drinks' policy. It would be a great help if you could
remind her tomorrow morning before she leaves the house." If Judy is a
Grace, she will, at this point, offer to pay your cleanup costs. Good
luck!
What is the condition that causes otherwise reasonably polite people to
turn into Neanderthals when they get behind the wheel of a car? Let me
rephrase that--for it insults our primitive forbears who were probably
too busy hunting mammoths and rubbing sticks together to invent obscene
gestures, threaten their fellow cavedwellers and commit vandalism.
(Although, maybe cave drawings were early forms of grafitti--but I
digress). What is it about an automobile that brings out the worst in
people? Witness the following, all true tales:
--We rented a
neighbor's parking space for a convalescing relative who came to stay
with us for 2 weeks. The neighbor agreed, cashed our check and 3 days
later began to affix nasty notes to the car. With duct tape. The notes
got meaner and more threatening as the days went by. He never bothered
to call or knock on our door to inform us of his change in plans, and
we remained unaware, because the recuperating uncle did not move the
car until his departure. The state of his vehicle, when he finally felt
well enough to leave, nearly put him back in the hospital. The duct
tape really didn't come off, and when it occasionally did, took chunks
of the paint job with it. Not to mention the threats of bodily harm
contained in the later notes.
--Upon arriving at school one
morning, a mom jumped jauntily out of her car and said, "I only had 2
people flip me off today! That must be an all time low for my 3 mile
drive."
--I escorted my young son across the street on his
scooter. He was a bit wobbly and our pace was necessarily deliberate. A
man in a white Benz waiting at the stop sign screamed "Get that
*&%$ing kid out of my way!"
--I can't count the number of
times I have nearly ended up as a strawberry stain on the street when
pushing a stroller. Only deep maternal instinct prevented me from
ramming many a non-yielding SUV with my pram as we made our (legally
granted right of) way across the street.
--And the horn. Good
God, the horn. I sometimes feel as if, sitting in gridlock, people
think that leaning on the horn will magically eliminate the traffic. Or
how about those folks two or three cars back from the intersection when
the light turns green? Our retinas have barely had time to register the
color change when they are blasting away.
--Parking spaces. We
see battles waged over on-street parking every day. We have lived
through epic wars over a shared parking lot with specific spaces
allotted to residents. Guests rue the day when they overstay their
rationed 24 hours in the coveted "visitor's spot"--at a minimum, they
receive a nasty, anonymous note on the windshield informing them that
they should have vacated at 10:22am and they are now 3 hours and 14
minutes over their permitted time. (There is no punch clock or computer
logging this, just a particularly vigilant neighbor who happens to live
adjacent to the space, has a lot of spare time and no hobbies.) At
worst, their vehicle is towed to a remote lock-up which requires vast
amounts of cash and a minimum of one vital organ to reclaim.
--Cell
Phones. How many more statistics do we need to hear before we, as a
society, learn that talking on a cell phone, even a hands-free device,
grossly increases the chance of an accident? I recently read that
cell-phones are equivalent to intoxication in terms of the
distractedness, reduced reaction times, and consequently, the car
accidents that they cause. Isn't that terrifying?
So, how do Graces handle themselves in cars?
Here are a few suggestions....
1.
Be courteous. Let the other driver go ahead, let the oncoming car make
the turn in front of you, let an approaching vehicle enter your lane.
Unless you have, in your backseat, a woman in the late stages of labor
with the baby crowning, or a heart attack victim gasping for his last
breaths of life, those 5 seconds really don't make a difference. (Even
in those circ's, they probably don't). On the flipside, when someone
lets you in, say thanks. We recommend a wave, or if it's dark, a quick
flick of the lights. Not a honk, please. (Remember the Seinfeld episode
with the ungrateful maroon Golf? We really miss Seinfeld.)
2.
Yield to pedestrians. Besides being the law of the land, it is the
gracious thing to do. The green light instructs them to cross the
street; it also advises you that you are free to make the turn, but let
them clear the crosswalk first. Please don't begin your turn when they
are halfway across the street; while I often fantasize about reducing
the size of my hindquarters, having it ripped off by a rapidly turning
minivan is not part of the fantasy. Be mindful that some folks move
slower than others; do we even need to mention that small children,
parents with strollers, and senior citizens do not move at the standard
power-walk rate of 3.9 mph? Even if they are jaywalking or crossing
against the light, let 'em go. Hitting a pedestrian would definitely
make you late for work, involve a ton of unpleasant paperwork, and is
really rude. The Graces strongly advise against it.
3. Be
reasonable about parking spaces. Don't abuse the shared spot, and give
folks the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they intended to unload their
groceries from the spot and move the car immediately--but they walked
into the house, slipped in catsick, and are hobbling around with a
sprained ankle, slowly stowing the perishables while covered in feline
vomit. As far as on-street goes, it's first come first
served.
4. Use the horn only when absolutely necessary--when
someone is about to hit you, for example. Or at a light when you have
given your fellow driver ample time to note the change and she still
appears to be daydreaming about the dim sum she had for lunch or Brad
Pitt's latest headlines.
5. Hang up the phone. No discussion. If
you must make a call (and by must we mean that your engine is on fire
and you need to dial 911) pull over.
Questionable Questions
Feb 27, 2008 | 2:13 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
It happens all the time. People have no sense of minding their own
business. Why they feel the need to inquire about all sorts of
forbidden topics is beyond me--but personal experience demonstrates
again and again that we are in the midst of an inappropriateness
epidemic.
Witness any of the following scenarios--all true, unbelievable as they may seem:
I
was in the grocery store on my way home from work one evening recently.
My lapel was adorned, as it often is, by a decorative brooch. On this
particular occasion, it happened to be a gold-toned Chanel number. The
cashier, as she rang up my fresh pasta and organic English peas, asked,
"Is that real? I wondered, because there are so many fakes around these
days." I was aghast, but managed to collect myself sufficiently to
respond: "I believe so; it was a gift". The temptation was to invite
her to bite into it like a bandit with a coin in an old western movie,
but I refrained.
Positive comments on clothing and accessories
are great. Asking the source of a particular item if the wearer is a
close friend is fine. Requesting authentication of anything from anyone
is never done.
I'm not sure why it is, but people are very
comfortable inquiring about new parents' religious intentions. Our
friend, Grace MD, who we have mentioned before, was the unfortunate
victim of this phenomenon. Proudly displaying her newborn son at a
large gathering, MD fell into the clutches of a most ungracious
dowager. "You're Catholic and your husband is Jewish. What is your
baby?" MD, bless her, gave an exaggerated peek under the infant's
garments and said, "He appears to be a boy. Would you like to see for
yourself?" The old carp harumphed and waddled off, in search of some
other less adroit target to terrorize.
Religion? Please. Stay away from that one. It is intensely personal, potentially contentious, and always best avoided.
While
having lunch with a group of women, I witnessed another invasion.
Halfway through the main course, one of the guests asked another, "So,
Samantha, is your husband leaving his firm to join my husband's firm? I
heard he interviewed there last week." Yikes! Fortunately for the rest
of us, who were studiously ignoring the comment and concentrating hard
on our plates, Samantha was a Grace. "Well, Darren feels very fortunate
to have the chance to explore several good opportunities, and I'm sure
he will let people know when he decides. Isn't this chicken salad
delicious?"
It is one thing to make a supportive inquiry like
this one in a very private setting of a close friend--it is still
questionable, but should be determined by the circumstances and the
relationship. It is never okay to broadcast news like this in a public
forum.
And a final nugget: My dear friend Grace F lives in a
gorgeous, spacious 3 bedroom apartment with her husband and 2 children.
One holiday while hosting her husband's extended family, a
cousin-in-law asked her, "How do you and Jonathan manage to have sex
while your kids sleep just down the hall?" Can we say boundaries, boys
and girls? This is beyond an invasion of privacy. Not to mention the
fact that many couples have more than one child and so obviously manage
to get around this issue. I know of no couples in this day and age who
take an abstinence vow after birthing child #1. Grace F collected
herself and answered, "Well, we do have a lock on the door. Now I must
go put the coffee on. Excuse me."
There are plenty of
interesting, pleasant topics that do not involve sex, religion,
politics, household finances, and personal health issues. Graces are
adept at conversation and need never resort to these taboos. Graces are
also masters at deflecting said topics and redirecting the discussion
into calmer waters. The most skilled tactition of this diversionary
strategy is our friend Grace N. While working as an executive assistant
to the CEO of a major corporation, N was forever asked to reveal her
employer's wherabouts and plans. Part of her job was maintaining
confidentiality. She honed this skill, and it has continued to serve
her well in all arenas. A typical phone exchange went something like
this: Nosy person: "N, is CEO going to Florida this afternoon?" N:
"Florida? Hmmmm....let me check.......Do you like Florida? I don't
think I could live there all the time. I really like the change of
seasons. Are you enjoying the foliage this year? I've heard this fall
has the most dramatic colors we've seen in decades. There goes the
other line. Please hold." Pause on hold for 30 seconds. "Sorry to keep
you waiting. Did you want to leave a message?" I have seen Grace N. do
this in situations as diverse as volunteer committee meetings,
playground showdowns, political events, and of course, lots of parties.
Trust me, it works.
Our counsel in the face of rampant
gracelessness: Avoid the forbidden topics at all costs. When you have
the ill-luck to be confronted with one of them, rapid fire diversion is
the best defense. Of course, some people are simply relentless. In
those cases, escape is the only option--an urgent phone message,
immediate domestic or professional duty, nature calling--all fair game
when you need to cut and run. Until there is a vaccine for this
inappropriateness epidemic, we Graces simply must battle it with the
weapons available to us. Be brave, young soldiers and fight the good
fight.
It's a little late in the game to plan a major extravaganza--the
possibility of a themed costume party with invites on vintage movie
postcards mailed to arrive on the day that the nominees are announced
has long past. (Yes, I confess to having done that once for an Oscars
party I threw long ago with disastrous results--it was so far in
advance that people lost track of the date an our turnout was
mortifyingly low.) But you can still throw together a fun fete
integrating as much (or as little) fanfare as you wish.
The foodie in me must consider ingestibles first. My inclination is to
pull food from Oscar nominated movies throughout the ages, with a
special emphasis on the current slate. So, here is what to serve--or
perhaps better yet, what to offer to bring to someone else's party:
--Juno: "Bun in the oven"--serve mini hot dogs and burgers on cute little buns with assorted condiments.
--Michael Clayton: Shark Kebobs
--No Country For Old Men: baby lamb chops, baby vegetables, baby brie, baby greens. (This one is a stretch, I know).
--Bubba Gump Shrimp
--Gone With the Wind Barbecue
--Moonstruck Pasta
To Drink:
--There Will Be Blood Orange Martinis/Margaritas or Bloody Marys
(though I am not a fan of these for evening.) Or choose any red
drink: cosmos and pomegranate martinis can't lose.
--Champagne
--Wine/"Sour Grapes" for the losers??
To Wear:
--Black Tie
--"Oscar"--a gold jumpsuit--I actually have one of these for this exact
purpose; I have worn it several times and have lent it several more.
Just be sure to wear serious foundation garments....
--Costume from any of the nominated films, current or past: white
dinner jacket a la Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca; Hockey mask like
Anthony Hopkins in Silence of the Lambs; Cut
sweatshirt/leggings/legwarmers a la Flashdance (it won for best song!);
Boxing attire a la Million Dollar Baby; Togas from Gladiator; Kilts
for Braveheart.
Other Elements:
--Have a pool betting on the winners; prize can be dvd's of nominated films or a gift card to the movies.
--Buy several yards of inexpensive red fabric; roll it out on your
front walk, steps, or entrance hall for your very own "red carpet".
--Have the host, a few willing guests, or hired help wield flashing cameras as attendees arrive.
--Award prizes for the best costumes.
But mostly relax, have fun, eat, drink and be merry. And if you decide on the gold jumpsuit, don't forget the Spanx; most of the folks at the Oscars will be wearing them, that's for sure.
No, I am not talking about the elusive commodity that the
Eagles occasionally lack under the quarterbacking of Donavan McNabb. Nor am I talking about the hazardous attempts
at expeditious vehicular travel on the Schuylkill Expressway. I refer to something much more fun: a fantasy game that we play, usually after a
cosmo or 2, deciding who would be our one “pass” if given the opportunity to
have a romantic interlude with total immunity.
My pass is pretty much always Hugh Grant. I think he is lovely. He is funny (which at this point in my life
is at least as important as any other feature).
He is British--love the accent! He has my taste in
movies. Although I just recalled that he was arrested last year for hurling a bean can at a photographer. Certainly not a Grace move, and possibly
enough to get him stricken from the top of my pass list, alas. My husband always picks JLo--though her recent pregnancy may temporarily change that. The point is, of course, that the person be a
remote and reasonably unattainable conquest. I also instill the “no necrophilia” rule. I like living passes.
We had an unfortunate experience with this game at a dinner
party recently. We gave a cursory
description of the idea and started with the gent to the hostess’ left. He obviously had not comprehended the
guidelines, for he blurted out, “My pass would be Pam from the copy room!” as the
rest of us cringed. His poor wife. They did not stay for dessert.
The thing is, crushes exist, even in the most extreme cases
of marital bliss. Acting on them is,
naturally, something the Graces would not recommend, but that is a topic for
another day. People can even have chaste
crushes. Maybe you don’t want to use
them as your “pass”, but you might like to have dinner with them (or a power
lunch), spend a day at the shore, an evening at the theatre, a hike in the
Wissahickon or afternoon at the
ballpark. So we asked some our favorite
Graces about their Philly crushes, (chaste and otherwise) and here are their
anonymous and very diverse reactions:
“Chase Utley—oh, so handsome, and what stats—he’s a
“score” in my book.”
“Will Smith—do you need an explanation?”
“Maria Bello—did you see her cheerleader scene in ‘A History
of Violence?’ Hold on, I need a moment.”
“Paul Levy—how can you resist the brilliant competence
exuding from someone who virtually resurrected Center City?”
“Jevon Kearse—I don’t want to talk to him, I just want to
sleep with him.”
"Lisa Nutter--looks, brains, and the keys to the city."
"John Bolaris--he's back and better than ever. He can come 'storming into my room' any time!"
“Jeff Coon—he is in every local theatre production—he is
talented, adorable, and he’s an actor, so he could be anyone you want him to
be.”
“Jose Garces—Looks and cooks, dark and handsome—now there’s
a combo!”
We certainly have a variety.
As they say in South Philly, “That’s why they make chocolate and
vanilla, Hon.”
We've all heard the expression in one form or another....The Golden Rule, "Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You", Good Karma/Bad Karma, "You scratch my back I'll scratch yours", You reap what you sow--it's all the same thing. Basically it all comes down to being nice, which we should all do because it's the right thing, but truthfully, there are serious benefits to treating people well.....Here are some vivid illustrations:
My sister, who is very good to her hairdresser, had a recent hair emergency during which all the years of nice tips and promptness paid off. She and her husband were dressing for a Valentine Masquerade Party--couples costumes required. They were going as the King and Queen of the Prom, circa 1985. Sis procured a mullet wig for husband, who was reluctant to put it on. To appease husband, she agreed to cut some of the bulk off the back of the wig. For reasons inexplicable, she deemed it expedient to don the wig while trimming, and accidentally cut off her ponytail. Yes, she actually cut off her ponytail! As she stood screaming, holding the scrunchie filled with 6 inches of expensively highlighted tresses, she grabbed for the phone. Despite the fact that it was closing time on a busy Friday, her stylist agreed to fit her in, and 80's costume aside, gave her a cute little Victoria Beckam bob, short in the back, long in the front (which was really the only option under the circs) and off she went to the party, looking more Flock of Seagulls than Cyndi Lauper, but the evening was salvaged (not to mention her appearance). All because Sis books appointments in advance, keeps them, and tips generously.
The flipside of the hairdresser tale: my neighbor Bea had her hair done the day of a charity ball. She was so dissatisfied with the do (which, frankly, looked perfectly lovely) that she badmouthed the stylist to everyone in town, claimed that she had to cancel the evening because of her hair, and spent the next month complaining about it. Of course, it got back to the stylist, and he got his revenge in two ways. Every time Bea called for an appointment, he and all of his coworkers were busy (her harping did the salon no good, so they all stood together). The hairdresser later took up a sideline business as a garden designer and when she called to engage his services for planting one window box he gave her an estimate of $1500!
Another one....
My friend Grace takes very good care of her children's teachers--brings them coffee and sweets, occasionally buys them lunch, gives them lovely holiday gifts, and generally treats them quite well. Her notion (which I happen to agree with) is that they are doing the most important job in the world--taking care of her children. She is profoundly grateful for that and expresses her thanks in tangible (and edible) ways, which is very, very nice. The cynical pragmatist might also add--whose kid do you think will be rescued from the burning building first--the one whose mom brings the teachers food, drink and gifts, or the one whose mom kvetches about the reading list and makes snide comments about how nice it must be to finish work at 3pm?
One day, Grace's son left his homework at school. The teacher noticed his folder on the desk as she prepared to leave for the day and called Grace--then offered to drop the folder off at the house. I am guessing this is far out of the union contract requirements. (Grace's son was less than overjoyed, but that's hardly the point.)
Restaurants are the capital of this phenomenon--make friends with the maitre'd and you'll always get the choice table on Saturday night. Tip your waiter well and he'll be sure to grab the last tuna tartare special for you when they run low next time. Be a regular, positive, supportive patron and lo and behold, you have the antipasto platter or dessert comped from time to time.
But remember, sincerity is key. Don't just be nice so you get the free souffle--just be nice. Trust me, they know the difference.
Kids love festivities. Anything that involves uniquely colored/shaped food, projects, and animated film is an automatic crowd pleaser. Valentine's Day is easily adapted to a kid-friendly celebration. Here are some tried and true ideas which have proved successful in my house:
Food:
Heart-shaped anything will produce awe and glee--and just might make your finickiest eater chow down. Buy a heart shaped cookie cutter (readily available at Target, Williams Sonoma, even many supermarkets) and go to town.....
For breakfast: Pancakes, French toast, even plain buttered toast become a novel and exciting item when presented as a Valentine. Top them with jam (red, only, please; it is V-Day after all....) or red sprinkles for a festive touch.
For lunch: Make sure you have cleaned that cutter by 12; it's back on the job to cut the sandwich. Your spawn not a sandwich eater? Leave the heart on the plate, scoop the mac and cheese, tuna salad, hummus, or tofu into it and serve; I promise you'll get good results.
For dinner: Heart shaped burgers,individual meat loaves, tacos or pizza.
Hands-on Activities:
Cooking:
Kids love to cook. They can do many of the things mentioned above--they especially love a make-your own taco set up (with tortillas cut into hearts, of course), and I have yet to meet a kid that wasn't enraptured with a ball of dough to create an individual pizza of his very own--valentine encouraged but not required--basketballs are also welcomed.
Desserts are a huge hit with kids. While I morally object to jello of any color, kids love it and the red is perfect for V-Day. Pour it in a square pan to set and cut it into hearts. Make (or buy) plain cupcakes/ muffins/cookies. Let the kids top them with colored frosting and decorate them with heart candies. Buy a pound cake. Slice it. Cut slices into hearts with your trusty cookie cutter. Have kids frost and decorate their slices.
Non Food:
Glue guns and silk flowers give me hives and I strenuously avoid any type craft activity. However, there is a limit to the amount of food, even the heart-shaped variety that children can reasonably make and healthfully consume. So, it is necessary to include some non edible ideas in the kiddie-V-Day post. My main premise on any kid project is KISS. (Keep It Simple, Stupid.) Think heart shaped stickers on colorful and glittery paper, or those foam shapes with self sticking decorations for door knob hangers, picture frames, name tags, or animals. Another favorite--wooden cutouts that can be painted or stamped--AC Moore has a great seasonal selection; we still love our pumpkin patch that we did for Halloween! (And, yes, I know that hearts might appeal more to girls--but red trucks, footballs, guitars, and dinosaurs can be very festive, too.)
Entertainment:
There is an endless supply of kid movies out there, some better than others. Our favorite family friendly films that contain some love story elements so as to maintain the Valentine theme include: Shrek; Shrek II; Flushed Away; Beauty and the Beast; Lady and The Tramp; The Pacifier; The Sound of Music.
I understand that heart stickers and red finger paint may not be your idea of a romantic Valentine's day....but let's not forget how the little tykes got here....I'm guessing it might have started with flowers and champagne. Cheers!
Valentine's Day
Jan 23, 2008 | 4:07 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
It's coming, folks. Sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, you have, by my count (which isn't always terribly reliable) about 21 days to make a plan. My next few posts will offer suggestions on how to enjoy (or survive) Valentine's Day, regardless of your relationship status. Whether you're the hearts and flowers type, or more inclined to shoot un-Cupidlike darts at photos of former loves, I promise you some sound advice on how to get through February 14 relatively unscathed.
Today, we'll deal with Valentine Ideas for Lovers:
-The Food:
Food has been linked to love since the first caveman dragged a brontausaurus steak into his lair. Legends about aphrodisiacs abound, from the Aztec notion that Montezuma sustained his virility by drinking vast quantities of liquid chocolate to Casanova's oyster habit. Amorous properties have also been ascribed to chilis, peaches, ginger, honey, mangoes, mint, vanilla, and figs, to name a few. However, the FDA says this is scientifically false; no biological evidence exists to support the notion that select foods beget canoodling. Be that as it may, there are certainly foods that create a romantic atmosphere.
Dinner at a restaurant can be lovely--but if that isn't in your budget or babysitting limits, never fear. Dinner at home can be wonderfully romantic. Besides that, if dessert means more than the chocolate torte, you don't have far to go. You won't risk dampening the mood with a traffic jam, flat tire, wrong turn, elusive valet, nonexistant cab, unavailable parking spot....
Some menu ideas:
Fondue--cheese, chocolate, or both; romantic and fun. You can have the whole meal on the living room floor, fire optional.
Heart shaped pizza--If making dough is not in your bag of tricks, purchase frozen bread dough in the supermarket or sweet talk your local pizzeria into selling you some of theirs. Stretch it out to a heart shape and top as desired. Bake on a cookie sheet or pizza stone at 450-500 for 15-20 mins.
Filet Mignon--have your butcher butterfly it so it is heartshaped; corny but cute!
A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou.....European Picnic Food--unlike the American concept of a picnic, which involves large sandwiches, fried chicken, potato salad, and such like comestibles, our European brethren take a slightly more refined approach. Wine, bread, cheese, maybe some charcuterie, fruit, olives, some non-odiferous dips or spreads, and voila--a delicious, light repast that requires no prep and minimal cleanup.
If cooking is not your forte, by all means order take out--pizza and champagne--trust me, the heart shaped pizza and a bottle of Veuve were V-Day staples in my house for years, but you don't have to make your own.
As far as your menu selection, be careful to avoid overpowering garlic, raw onions, or anything likely to "disagree" with you and the object of your affection. If a Picnic in bed is your heart's desire, avoid the loaf of bread. Crumbs, you know. I personally am not a big fan of food in bed--not even breakfast--maybe this is my twist on "you don't eat where you...." but different strokes for different folks.....
The Gift:
Gentlemen, read the following sentence twice: Do not give your girlfriend A ring unless it is THE ring. You may think the band with aquamarine stones is perfect; she could easily be disappointed--or worse, misconstrue your generous gift for a marriage proposal. Do you really want to spend Valentine's Day (and a long time after) explaining to her that you thought the stones matched her eyes but you're just not ready for that type of commitment? If you want to do jewelry, go with a bracelet, necklace or earrings.
Consider your intended recipient. I once had lunch in a sushi bar on V-Day and watched a man empty a chocolate box into the trash and fill it with sushi rolls. (Whether I dug said chocolate out of the can a la George Costanza is really no one's business.) Now, he was certain that this would produce rapture from his girlfirend. I was not convinced--the love of my life has a strong survival instinct (or at a minimum, an ever -present need to avoid quantities of raw fish being flung at his person) so he would never present me with such a bait and switch--and I say this as someone who has sushi for lunch about once a week. The point is, think, boys and girls. If your honey hates chocolate and loves sushi, or if this is some inside joke, this might be a great idea. I don't know anyone like that, but they say there's a lid for every pot.
Husbands/Dads: There is no aphrodisiac for a woman equal to someone else making the plans--even if it involves a rain check and you celebrate V-Day late. Arrange the babysitter. Make the reservations. Choose the movie. (not Terminator 7 or anything involving explosions, terrorists, or Bruce Willis). Buy a gift certificate for a spa or salon visit. Make the appointment. Watch the kids while she goes. I promise she will be very grateful.
Make a Personal Coupon Book
These can be as naughty/nice as you like, or a combination thereof. For the naughty you will have to use your imagination; what happens in the bedroom (or living room, kitchen table, backseat, jacuzzi.....) stays there. Graces do not share details. For the nice, offer vouchers for tedious errands, cooking dinner, foot massages, laundry, "you pick the movie, I won't complain", get out of dinner at mother in law's, etc..
Coming soon: ideas for the unattached, V-Day for kids, and Spreading the Love through random acts of kindness.
You survived the holidays. Ok, maybe you didn't get the diamond tiara you so desired; maybe the first edition of The Catcher in the Rye that you gave your significant other reminded him more of his creepy 9th grade English teacher than the fact that your first meaningful conversation was about Holden Caulfield, and maybe you got more than your fair share of klunkers. Be that as it may, however, now is the time for all good Graces to complete their holiday thank you notes.
We've had a lot of chatter about thank you notes of late and have been asked more than once whether email thank yous are acceptable for holiday gifts. The simple answer is No.
Email is an acceptable medium for one sort of thank-you
only, and that is the sort you would give casually and in person. Thanks to a
close friend for buying you a coffee, or lending you her silver mules for a wedding, to your sister for having your family over for Thursday
dinner, to a colleague for recommending an auto repair shop, or for driving you
to work when your car is in said shop.
For your holiday thank yous, notes are what the Graces ordered.
Choose nice white or ecru writing paper with a matching
envelope, or correspondence cards. Personalized stationery is always lovely, as
is something with a border or small and tasteful motif. Plain is fine, too. If you'd like to see good examples, go to a
site like smythson.com or americanstationery.com and browse. Resist the cards
that actually have "Thank You" printed on them.Vehemently resist
anything with big-eyed children, overwhelming cabbage roses, or baby animals. If you suffer mightily in the composition of
these notes, choose smallish cards that will be quickly filled with minimal text.
We've also been asked quite a bit about how to convey sincere thank for a gift that missed the mark. The fact is, givers took the time, made the effort and spent
the money to give you a present. That is indeed a generous gesture. And Graces
acknowledge generous gestures with thoughtful, handwritten, prompt, snail
mailed thank-you notes.
Here are some samples:
Dear Helga,
Many thanks for the lovely sauna towel. I know how much expertise and
experience you have in this area, so I know it is of the highest quality and
most current style. The anti-bacterial coating and stain resistant finish make
it especially useful, not to mention the amazing chartreuse color--my favorite!
It was so generous of you to take the time to choose something for me; I will
enjoy using the towel when I next travel to Finland.
Again, many thanks for such a thoughtful and unique gift.
Best,
Grace K
Dear Ebeneezer,
You certainly made me smile. The coat hanger is a truly useful gift and I shall think of you fondly every time I open my closet.
Best to you and Jacob in the new year,
Grace M
Dear Vin,
I wanted to thank you for the wonderful bottle of Pinot Noir you gave me for
Christmas. I was pleased to share it with my family over the holidays as a perfect
accompaniment to our roast duck. It certainly came in handy when my younger
brother threatened to drink my Facial Toner if I did not come up with some more
hooch pronto! I know how much of a wine connoisseur you are--proven by the
wonderful bottle you chose--and I appreciate the care you took in selecting a
gift for me.
Many thanks for your thoughtfulness and generosity.
Best,
Grace K
Thank you notes have a few essential ingredients. Mention the item
specifically. List a feature or two proving that you have given it more than a
cursory glance. Describe how or when you plan to use it. Thank them again.
These notes need be about 4 sentences long and should take you about 5 minutes
to write. There is NO EXCUSE for delinquency in thank you notes.
Even if it is silver polish from your mother-in-law, she still made the effort
to buy, wrap, and get the stuff to you. Send her a nice note. You can retaliate
by giving her wrinkle cream for Valentine's Day--or better yet, re-gift the
silver polish in a house warming gift basket with a bunch of other household necessaries
from Home Depot. In any event, Graces, get writing.
