twosocialgraces's Blog

The following question recently came in from a reader obviously in need of advice.  While its subject matter is one that I normally wouldn't discuss (Graces don't share bedroom antics or highly personal information, ) I was so mindboggled by the dilemma that I couldn't resist.    Besides, I've never met a question I wouldn't try to answer, and Graciously Declining is an important skill to have.  So, here goes....

Dear Graces,
My wife is an avid reader of your blog and she recommended that I put this dilemma before you, because we are stymied.  It requires a bit of background explanation, so please bear with me on the length of my question.   

Here's the situation:  I am a small business owner.  I am very dependent on referrals for my clients, and I have one particular source (I'll call him Bob) that has provided a steady stream of customers and revenue.  Wanting to keep Bob happy, I occasionally take him out for lunch or drinks.  At one of our outings, Bob revealed that he and his wife (I'll call her Jane) are heavily involved in a variety of, for lack of a better term, "Different Strokes" of the X-rated variety. (Incidentally, both Bob and Jane are in their 60s.)  Of course, I don't care what he does in his spare time, and I want to keep our very profitable business relationship thriving, so I listened tolerantly, changed the subject asap, and things marched on just fine. 

Fast forward to last weekend, when I had a reunion of 8 college buddies.  We had a traditional "guy time" planned--steaks on the grill, a few cases of beer,  fishing, pick-up games of touch football and some Bruce Willis movies.  Early Saturday morning, Bob called me.  I cringed, thinking that one of our machines had crashed and I would be spending the next 4 hours repairing it, but that was not the case.  Bob asked, "Isn't this the reunion weekend with your 8 fraternity brothers?"  I answered, "Yes, but that's ok if you need something, I'll take care of it and meet them later."  Bob said, "Well, I would like to invite you all over this afternoon  for a get-together with Jane, myself, and some friends from our 'adult group'."  (His suggestion was more graphic but I can't bring myself to share its exact content in mixed company.  Rest assured, Graces, he was suggesting far more than G&Ts on the patio).

I'm not a speechless guy, but what could I say? I ended up mumbling something about running it by the rest of the guys and that we'd get back to him.  Of course we never did, but he called again a few hours later and left a voice mail repeating the offer.

I am going to have to deal with this soon; I've been dodging his calls for a few days, but business dictates that we have to interact, and my connection with him has been positive and lucrative for me.  Help!

--Staying Anonymous For Obvious Reasons

Wow, I have heard a lot of etiquette dilemmas, but this one is rather unique.   Although I heartily disapprove of public discussions about what goes on in your bedroom (jacuzzi, kitchen floor, backseat) I would never abandon a reader in need of advice.   And in truth, declining an offer of any kind can seem like a bit of a rebuff--but saying "no thanks" to an offer of over-familiarity with the wife is a pretty extreme rejection.  Here are a few suggestions on how to handle it:

--Ignore it completely and pick up your business relationship as if nothing had happened.  The fact that you never called back sends Bob the message that you are not interested.  Ideally, he will do the same and you can resume your profitable affiliation as if the offer had never been extended. 

Unless that doesn't work.

--Address it head on:  "Bob, about your offer last weekend.....I am certainly flattered, but Susan and I don't have an open marriage.  We are mutually exclusive, and that works for us, but thank you anyway."  Then move the topic quickly to your new machines, the Phillies lack of pitching,  or the weather.

--Flatter him (and her):  "Bob, it's great that you and Jane are so compatible and have made an arrangement that works so well for you.  I appreciate the proposal you made last weekend, but I couldn't possibly trade the short term pleasure you offered for the long term difficulty that it would present for me with regard to Susan. You know the old saying 'different strokes for different folks.'"  (Be careful with this one--you don't want him thinking that you actually want to participate if only your wife would let you.....)

This particular scenario is extreme, but the dilemma is fairly common.  Not how to say "no thanks" to an orgy; rather, how to say "no thanks" to something that is offered to you with intended generosity and you have absolutely no interest in  accepting....Your neighbor offers you zucchini from her garden.  Aside from the fact that you hate zucchini, you know that she sprays with pesticide that has resulted in squirrel corpses all over the neighborhood.  A colleague offers you a ride home, but he is a horrendous driver and has at least one crash a month.  A neighbor offers to mind your children, but hers are in the ER frequently.  (Or, a client offers his wife to you and 8 of your buddies for the afternoon).

The response is essentially the same.  Thank them sincerely, then firmly decline, offering a non-negotiable reason if you wish.  "So sweet of you to offer.   Thanks anyway, but_______________" (fill in the blank from applicable selection below):

--I'm all set.  This is all purpose and should do the trick unless the person is particularly insistent.  If so, try the following:
--I'm allergic to zucchini/My sister just gave me a bushel from her garden.
--I'm on a new fitness program and I walk home from work/take the train and walk from the station/I'm in a carpool.
--We're just on our way out, maybe some other time/They're just getting over a nasty virus and I would hate to infect your household.

We hope these help.  Good luck!