twosocialgraces's Blog

Dear Social Graces,
I am mad, mad, mad. Here's why: My daughter, who is many wonderful things, but not a linguist, has a tutor for Spanish class. The tutor is a teaching assistant at school, a lovely young woman training to be a full time teacher. I pay Senorita a fair wage to do this extra work and the arrangement is improving my daughter's skills mucho. No harm to anyone, and helping the kid. Until the supervising teacher decided that Senorita was breaking a rule by earning money privately, in her classroom, after hours, without a supervising teacher on site. We managed to find an alternate plan which is not quite optimal but works passably. How do I deal with the tattletale who willfully sabotaged an arrangement that helped a struggling student?

Mad Mamacita

Dear MM,
I, too, abhor gratuitously officious behavior, especially when it sacrifices a benefit to a kid. And I commend you for getting your daughter what she needs under the circs. You won't like my suggestion, but I swear it is the way to go. Thank "Rulie Julie" for her hospitality and kindness in allowing your daughter the use of her classroom for her previous tutoring sessions. Play dumb about the cause and source of the termination. Consider a card or note, possibly even a small token giftie.

Here's the script: "Ms. Julie, I just want to thank you for your generous hospitality in allowing Ashley and Senorita to use your classroom for tutoring. It has really helped Ashley with her Spanish. I know they had to move for some safety code or something, but I am no less grateful to you for your assistance up to this point. I would have said all this in June when term ended, but it still true even though they are no longer using your space."

Yes, it is a wrench, and you might choke a bit on the words--but we promise Rulie Julie won't give you any more trouble. She might even feel a tad guilty. Should you ever need a favor from her down the road, you're well-positioned--and don't forget, she interacts with your daughter every day--best to keep that relationship positive and unclouded by your (perfectly justified) anger. Trust me, the Moral High Ground has a much better view (even if you're not quite sincere in your ascent).

And bear in mind that Rulie Julie may have been correct in following the letter, if not the spirit, of the law--there are rules that govern intern teachers working with students, codes that determine after-hours use of the building, liability concerns, etc. But of course, we still agree with you--we're sure RJ could have found a way to help, rather than hurt the situation. That's what a Grace would have done.


Dear Graces,

How do you suggest reacting as a passerby when witnessing a toddler throwing a 7- alarm tantrum on the sidewalk?

Please advise.

Dear Innocent Bystander,

We've all been there in one form or another. About the only thing I absolutely bar is chastising the suffering caregiver (judgmental stares, comments and barbs are unhelpful at best and mean spirited at worst.) Any of the following are perfectly acceptable reactions:

--Ignore the spectacle completely. Avert your eyes. Give the scene a wide berth and keep moving.

--Make a supportive/humorous gesture or comment. A knowing smile, nod, wave or shrug does the trick. Or say something like: "Been there, done that"; "Well, looking on the bright side, you know he has healthy lungs!"; "Naptime? Me, too!" or "My sentiments exactly!".

--Help. Retrieve the garments the tot is rending. Offer to hold Mom's bag while she wrestles kid into the stroller, or stay with the infant while she chases the toddler into the street. If you happen to have a full flask on you, give her a swig.

Dear Social Graces,
I carpool with a neighbor every day--I drive to middle school, she picks up. It works out fine, except that the neighbor's 8th grader brings a large iced coffee into my car every morning--and she spilled it yesterday. I was against this practice from the start for a variety of reasons--my upholstery, the example she is setting for my daughter, and of course, her health, and I really wish I had done something about it earlier. My question is twofold: 1) How do I make sure she doesn't bring any more drinks into my car, and 2) Do I have any shot of having her mom pay for the detailing and cleaning bill I am going to incur? (My car really reeks!)

Dear Reader,

I am so sorry about your reeking backseat. Your course of action is as follows:

Tell Java Jane that you are not allowing beverages in your car. Don't elaborate, don't point fingers, don't blame the new rule on her by reminding her of the spill and don't chastise her. Keep short and sweet. If she shows up with her Mocha Latte again, politely say, "JJ, You'll have to dump/finish/put back in your fridge the drink before we can leave. No drinks in my chariat." Or, you can call her mom and say, "Judy, I don't want to make Jane feel uncomfortable, but there was an accident with her coffee this morning, and the entire cup dumped over the back seat of my car. In order to prevent future spills, I am instituting a 'no drinks' policy. It would be a great help if you could remind her tomorrow morning before she leaves the house." If Judy is a Grace, she will, at this point, offer to pay your cleanup costs. Good luck!