Mar 3, 2008 | 12:18 PM
Category:
Entertainment
What is the condition that causes otherwise reasonably polite people to
turn into Neanderthals when they get behind the wheel of a car? Let me
rephrase that--for it insults our primitive forbears who were probably
too busy hunting mammoths and rubbing sticks together to invent obscene
gestures, threaten their fellow cavedwellers and commit vandalism.
(Although, maybe cave drawings were early forms of grafitti--but I
digress). What is it about an automobile that brings out the worst in
people? Witness the following, all true tales:
--We rented a
neighbor's parking space for a convalescing relative who came to stay
with us for 2 weeks. The neighbor agreed, cashed our check and 3 days
later began to affix nasty notes to the car. With duct tape. The notes
got meaner and more threatening as the days went by. He never bothered
to call or knock on our door to inform us of his change in plans, and
we remained unaware, because the recuperating uncle did not move the
car until his departure. The state of his vehicle, when he finally felt
well enough to leave, nearly put him back in the hospital. The duct
tape really didn't come off, and when it occasionally did, took chunks
of the paint job with it. Not to mention the threats of bodily harm
contained in the later notes.
--Upon arriving at school one
morning, a mom jumped jauntily out of her car and said, "I only had 2
people flip me off today! That must be an all time low for my 3 mile
drive."
--I escorted my young son across the street on his
scooter. He was a bit wobbly and our pace was necessarily deliberate. A
man in a white Benz waiting at the stop sign screamed "Get that
*&%$ing kid out of my way!"
--I can't count the number of
times I have nearly ended up as a strawberry stain on the street when
pushing a stroller. Only deep maternal instinct prevented me from
ramming many a non-yielding SUV with my pram as we made our (legally
granted right of) way across the street.
--And the horn. Good
God, the horn. I sometimes feel as if, sitting in gridlock, people
think that leaning on the horn will magically eliminate the traffic. Or
how about those folks two or three cars back from the intersection when
the light turns green? Our retinas have barely had time to register the
color change when they are blasting away.
--Parking spaces. We
see battles waged over on-street parking every day. We have lived
through epic wars over a shared parking lot with specific spaces
allotted to residents. Guests rue the day when they overstay their
rationed 24 hours in the coveted "visitor's spot"--at a minimum, they
receive a nasty, anonymous note on the windshield informing them that
they should have vacated at 10:22am and they are now 3 hours and 14
minutes over their permitted time. (There is no punch clock or computer
logging this, just a particularly vigilant neighbor who happens to live
adjacent to the space, has a lot of spare time and no hobbies.) At
worst, their vehicle is towed to a remote lock-up which requires vast
amounts of cash and a minimum of one vital organ to reclaim.
--Cell
Phones. How many more statistics do we need to hear before we, as a
society, learn that talking on a cell phone, even a hands-free device,
grossly increases the chance of an accident? I recently read that
cell-phones are equivalent to intoxication in terms of the
distractedness, reduced reaction times, and consequently, the car
accidents that they cause. Isn't that terrifying?
So, how do Graces handle themselves in cars?
Here are a few suggestions....
1.
Be courteous. Let the other driver go ahead, let the oncoming car make
the turn in front of you, let an approaching vehicle enter your lane.
Unless you have, in your backseat, a woman in the late stages of labor
with the baby crowning, or a heart attack victim gasping for his last
breaths of life, those 5 seconds really don't make a difference. (Even
in those circ's, they probably don't). On the flipside, when someone
lets you in, say thanks. We recommend a wave, or if it's dark, a quick
flick of the lights. Not a honk, please. (Remember the Seinfeld episode
with the ungrateful maroon Golf? We really miss Seinfeld.)
2.
Yield to pedestrians. Besides being the law of the land, it is the
gracious thing to do. The green light instructs them to cross the
street; it also advises you that you are free to make the turn, but let
them clear the crosswalk first. Please don't begin your turn when they
are halfway across the street; while I often fantasize about reducing
the size of my hindquarters, having it ripped off by a rapidly turning
minivan is not part of the fantasy. Be mindful that some folks move
slower than others; do we even need to mention that small children,
parents with strollers, and senior citizens do not move at the standard
power-walk rate of 3.9 mph? Even if they are jaywalking or crossing
against the light, let 'em go. Hitting a pedestrian would definitely
make you late for work, involve a ton of unpleasant paperwork, and is
really rude. The Graces strongly advise against it.
3. Be
reasonable about parking spaces. Don't abuse the shared spot, and give
folks the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they intended to unload their
groceries from the spot and move the car immediately--but they walked
into the house, slipped in catsick, and are hobbling around with a
sprained ankle, slowly stowing the perishables while covered in feline
vomit. As far as on-street goes, it's first come first
served.
4. Use the horn only when absolutely necessary--when
someone is about to hit you, for example. Or at a light when you have
given your fellow driver ample time to note the change and she still
appears to be daydreaming about the dim sum she had for lunch or Brad
Pitt's latest headlines.
5. Hang up the phone. No discussion. If
you must make a call (and by must we mean that your engine is on fire
and you need to dial 911) pull over.
