Feb 27, 2008 | 2:13 PM
Category:
Entertainment
It happens all the time. People have no sense of minding their own
business. Why they feel the need to inquire about all sorts of
forbidden topics is beyond me--but personal experience demonstrates
again and again that we are in the midst of an inappropriateness
epidemic.
Witness any of the following scenarios--all true, unbelievable as they may seem:
I
was in the grocery store on my way home from work one evening recently.
My lapel was adorned, as it often is, by a decorative brooch. On this
particular occasion, it happened to be a gold-toned Chanel number. The
cashier, as she rang up my fresh pasta and organic English peas, asked,
"Is that real? I wondered, because there are so many fakes around these
days." I was aghast, but managed to collect myself sufficiently to
respond: "I believe so; it was a gift". The temptation was to invite
her to bite into it like a bandit with a coin in an old western movie,
but I refrained.
Positive comments on clothing and accessories
are great. Asking the source of a particular item if the wearer is a
close friend is fine. Requesting authentication of anything from anyone
is never done.
I'm not sure why it is, but people are very
comfortable inquiring about new parents' religious intentions. Our
friend, Grace MD, who we have mentioned before, was the unfortunate
victim of this phenomenon. Proudly displaying her newborn son at a
large gathering, MD fell into the clutches of a most ungracious
dowager. "You're Catholic and your husband is Jewish. What is your
baby?" MD, bless her, gave an exaggerated peek under the infant's
garments and said, "He appears to be a boy. Would you like to see for
yourself?" The old carp harumphed and waddled off, in search of some
other less adroit target to terrorize.
Religion? Please. Stay away from that one. It is intensely personal, potentially contentious, and always best avoided.
While
having lunch with a group of women, I witnessed another invasion.
Halfway through the main course, one of the guests asked another, "So,
Samantha, is your husband leaving his firm to join my husband's firm? I
heard he interviewed there last week." Yikes! Fortunately for the rest
of us, who were studiously ignoring the comment and concentrating hard
on our plates, Samantha was a Grace. "Well, Darren feels very fortunate
to have the chance to explore several good opportunities, and I'm sure
he will let people know when he decides. Isn't this chicken salad
delicious?"
It is one thing to make a supportive inquiry like
this one in a very private setting of a close friend--it is still
questionable, but should be determined by the circumstances and the
relationship. It is never okay to broadcast news like this in a public
forum.
And a final nugget: My dear friend Grace F lives in a
gorgeous, spacious 3 bedroom apartment with her husband and 2 children.
One holiday while hosting her husband's extended family, a
cousin-in-law asked her, "How do you and Jonathan manage to have sex
while your kids sleep just down the hall?" Can we say boundaries, boys
and girls? This is beyond an invasion of privacy. Not to mention the
fact that many couples have more than one child and so obviously manage
to get around this issue. I know of no couples in this day and age who
take an abstinence vow after birthing child #1. Grace F collected
herself and answered, "Well, we do have a lock on the door. Now I must
go put the coffee on. Excuse me."
There are plenty of
interesting, pleasant topics that do not involve sex, religion,
politics, household finances, and personal health issues. Graces are
adept at conversation and need never resort to these taboos. Graces are
also masters at deflecting said topics and redirecting the discussion
into calmer waters. The most skilled tactition of this diversionary
strategy is our friend Grace N. While working as an executive assistant
to the CEO of a major corporation, N was forever asked to reveal her
employer's wherabouts and plans. Part of her job was maintaining
confidentiality. She honed this skill, and it has continued to serve
her well in all arenas. A typical phone exchange went something like
this: Nosy person: "N, is CEO going to Florida this afternoon?" N:
"Florida? Hmmmm....let me check.......Do you like Florida? I don't
think I could live there all the time. I really like the change of
seasons. Are you enjoying the foliage this year? I've heard this fall
has the most dramatic colors we've seen in decades. There goes the
other line. Please hold." Pause on hold for 30 seconds. "Sorry to keep
you waiting. Did you want to leave a message?" I have seen Grace N. do
this in situations as diverse as volunteer committee meetings,
playground showdowns, political events, and of course, lots of parties.
Trust me, it works.
Our counsel in the face of rampant
gracelessness: Avoid the forbidden topics at all costs. When you have
the ill-luck to be confronted with one of them, rapid fire diversion is
the best defense. Of course, some people are simply relentless. In
those cases, escape is the only option--an urgent phone message,
immediate domestic or professional duty, nature calling--all fair game
when you need to cut and run. Until there is a vaccine for this
inappropriateness epidemic, we Graces simply must battle it with the
weapons available to us. Be brave, young soldiers and fight the good
fight.
