MyFoxPhilly

Flexibility, that is. (And Flyers, too, of course.) If you are involved, either romantically, platonically, professionally, or genetically with a sports fan, then this time of year can be a challenge. For the non-sports fan, the level of commitment and desire to view all pre-game discussions, regulation play, overtime, and post-game analysis is incomprehensible. And most people (sports fans or not) have a social life that requires some advance planning, thus creating a potential competition between your dinner party/charity ball/company picnic/front row seats on the night of an important Flyers game. Rather than go 15 rounds with the fan, I suggest flexibility.

I have riffed on When Something Comes Up before and my main theme remains one of pragmatism and reality. I am not a "Boo-hoo, wah, You promised!" kind of girl. If you drag your bf to the Bridesmaid's Ball the night of the 7th game, will either of you have a good time? Probably not. However, I offer you three feasible approaches to this conundrum:
1. Determine whether there will be a tv broadcasting the game at the event. If so, and if you are able to accept the fact that your date may spend more time staring at the screen than you, go with him.
2. Take another date. This doesn't have to be a jealousy-invoking episode where you sidle up to your luscious neighbor and take him while your bf shouts at toothless and concussed men sliding around a rink beating each other with sticks, although it could be. But that wouldn't be my recommendation--one of the best formals I ever went to was with my hairdresser when my husband had to leave town unexpectedly for a funeral. (Whether he paid for an assassin to off the elderly great uncle so he could avoid attending the gala is a question I have never felt the need to ask.) Take a girlfriend, a colleague, cousin or, if you must, your LN.
3. Don't go. Give the tickets to someone else, cancel the reservation, donate your contribution back to the charity, and embrace the game (or go to a movie and meet up with your bf afterwards.)

But whatever choice you make, be at peace with it and don't drag it up every time you two disagree on whether to order Chinese or pizza. "Well, I really want Mu Shu Pork and you owe me because of the time you bagged on me for the Justin Timberlake concert when the Flyers........" No, Grace, no, no, no!

If you have the ill-luck to be hosting a dinner party the night of the big game, you have a similar dilemma. But never fear, Graces, for there are many solutions to this "problem" and you need not go into full panic or rage mode.

1. Change the format. Make it a casual, game-friendly menu, and let everyone bring plates into the tv room to watch the Flyers crush the Penguins. Planned to serve steak? Slice it thinly, saute it w/ some onions, garlic, hot pepper, salt and Worcestershire, put it on warm rolls with melted provolone and you've got the best Cheesesteak this side of South Philly. Not to mention the happiest male guests in town. Chicken? Marinate it in beer, lime, cumin, soy sauce, and hot pepper, saute or grill, slice it and roll it into tortillas with some salsa for fajitas. Or, dump the whole cooking thing and order a tray of hoagies or pizza. If you want to have a more formal element to the gathering, make dessert a sit down event. By then, the game will be over and you can put out your china, crystal and silver (if you must) and serve at table. Your guests will either be exhuberantly happy or downright wretched, but hopefully your sweets will carry the day even if their team didn't.

2. Push back the time. If you are a night owl, or are not adherent to the hours kept by children and babysitters, serve dinner at 9:30 or 10, by which time the game should be over. I have a dear friend from India who can't understand the American habit of evening entertaining that starts and the early hour of 7pm. When she invites us to a dinner party, she calls for arrival at around 9, and we know we won't dine til nearly 11. We always have a fabulous time, even if we're a bit bleary-eyed the next day. (Did I mention her pomegranite martinis?)

3. Postpone the party til after the playoffs. Some diehard fans are very particular about with whom they will watch a game. They don't view it as a social occasion--this is serious business. They do not appreciate light conversation during the game (even during commercial breaks and time outs); they do not take kindly to ancillary comments like "Doesn't he realize that his tattoos are icky?" or "Isn't he dating that supermodel?" or "I hate orange and black. What do they think, it's Halloween? Don't you think pink and green would be cuter, especially this time of year?". While I strictly oppose violence, comments like these might justify a swat. My husband is still a bit annoyed at me for the time a few years ago when I invited someone to watch the NFC Eagles Championship Game without first screening him. The guy had the ill judgement to mention a neighbor's hair style (a severe brunette page-boy if you must know) during the fourth quarter and has been blacklisted ever since. Another wrinkle: depending on the type of "home theatre system" you possess, potential guests may not be willing give up their wall-size-hi-def-plasma-screen-smell-the-athletes'-swea
t -blue-ray picture they are accustomed to in their man-room at home, so your party attendance could plummet.

Even if you don't watch a single minute of a game, it's a great thing for Philly when our teams win. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go generate an excuse for skivving off a long-ago-committed to attend cocktail party this evening, cancel a dinner reservation for afterward, buy some beer, order some hoagies, and make sure our orange and black clothing is washed and dried. Go Flyers!

It's a jungle out there, Graces. No, I'm not referring to the climate, the crime wave, or even the spring sale racks at Bloomies. Rather, I am talking about the minefield of social greetings that is wreaking havoc on hands and cheeks everywhere. Recent experiences with handshakes and hello kisses in social settings have prompted me to offer some commentary....

Let's start with the handshake. I was at a political luncheon yesterday and the things went from bad to worse. Upon arrival, I walked around the room, meeting as greeting as expected. Several times over the course of the event, I had to check my hand for nicks and cuts, fearing a wound from the rough, cracked paws extended my way. Then, my black opal ring, a relic from a long-ago trip to Australia, nearly broke in half when some he-man gripped me like a vice. Later, I greeted a table mate, and shook his hand, which was so limp that I temporarily mistook for the fish that was being served. Then I chastised myself, thinking the poor bloke had an injury or paralysis, only to see the “dead fish” miraculously resurrect when time came to dig into the poached salmon. So, what can we do to combat this scourge?

If you are attending one of these schmoozefests, you know you'll be shaking a lot of hands. Apply some smoothing salve. No one wants to firmly grasp sandpaper when saying hello, so apply some neutral hand-cream in preparation. (I love L'Occitane Shea Butter Hand Cream and Dr. Haushcka Hand Cream, but there are literally hundreds of reasonable choices on the market.) Avoid greasy and/or heavily scented products, especially if a sit- down meal is involved. Your peppermint-watermelon-hyacinth lotion may have a lovely aroma, but it does not enhance the tenderloin au poivre.

And as for the pressure element, think firm not crushing. My rule of thumb (pardon the unintentional and rather appalling pun) is to mimic the grip your favorite manicurist uses when beginning the hand massage portion of your service.

Which brings me to my next diatribe.

Kiss My...

How many cocktail parties have you attended where the single-, double-, and sometimes even triple-cheek kiss is the greeting of choice? I went to one last Saturday. It was lovely. And some of the smooches were rather nice as well. Except for the ones that weren’t. I won’t dwell on the nice kisses—not much to tell there—and let’s face it, if there were it would have been more about what the kissing led to and Graces don’t share details. No, let’s stick with the ones that got a grade of NI for Needs Improvement.

For starters, mind your breath. If you’ve been quaffing gin or bourbon all night, consider the fumes, which in some cases are downright flammable. Fortunately, smoking has gone out of fashion or we could be in danger of combustion. Also think about the garlic, whiffy cheese, raw onion, or pungent fish you may have ingested. Delicious to chew and swallow, no doubt; not so much to inhale. Consider mints or Binaca as a way to freshen things up.

And finally, how about the state of your lips? No one wants a scraped cheek from a smooch. Can you imagine explaining that to your boss on Monday? "Good Morning, Mr. Fernblatt. My cheek? Oh, that? Just a minor kissing injury from Saturday night." I think not. So, try maintaining lubed lips with a moisturising balm from Keihl's or True Blue Spa .

Let's do our part to make hello greetings a pleasant experience as opposed to a hazard to be navigated with caution.

I have a confession to make: I don't love shopping. I am a hunter, not a gatherer. This trait (or fault, depending on your perspective) has caused several of my fellow Graces to refuse shopping excursions with me. Oh, sure, I can navigate my way around a boutique well enough, and I certainly (and not surprisingly) have strong opinions about attire. I strictly follow Grace Guidelines when I choose my outfits, but I don't relish the search and seizure process nearly as much as many of my fellow Graces. Consequently, I often seek the counsel of the style gurus in my Grace Crew for these weighty matters.

So, I asked them. What is your absolute must have, can't live a day without, do not pass go, do not collect $200 til you have procured this item for the spring season. Here are their responses......

Back for a visit, Grace M says:

For me, the coming warmer months are all about color, a departure from my cold-weather blacks and browns. And none of these will cause sticker shock.

Handbag:
I adore this bag especially in yellow or blue, from my beloved Boden.

Am also in love with this great faux leather tote from Big Buddha.

Tees:

As usual, J. Crew's selection of colorful tees is among the best for variety, quality and affordability.

Sandals:

I collect Jack Rogers Sandals but gotta say these far cheaper "gems" from Zappos are seriously tempting.

Headbands:

They invoke Capri in the 1960s. If that's not Summer, what is? Amy Schwab Designs has a great selection of patterns and fabrics.

Grace adds: Calista Cove also has a lovely collection of headbands.

Grace J: One fabulous accessory: Latico's clutch wallet with a gorgeous floral print in super soft, lightly textured leather. Flowers and primary colors are huge this season, so this covers two trends in one!

Grace A: Isaac Mizrahi's Yellow Trench Coat. Yellow is everywhere this spring, and if you decide you hate the coat by Memorial Day, you can pitch it without guilt since it was an exceptionally economical acquisition.

Grace MH: Higher-waisted jeans. The new Citizens of Humanity are comfortable, flattering, and completely devoid of a muffin top. Love 'em.

Back to Grace: I concur; I'm over low-slung pants. Moderately low rise is ok; those that barely clear the pubic bone are incompatible with modern enlightened thought, not to mention Gracedom.

Grace L: flattering capris--the right length, the right cut, the right fabric; desperately seeking denim.

Grace says: Sorry, L, I disagree; I think 'flattering capris' is a contradiction in terms.

Grace P: Metallic bags and shoes; anything red.

Grace KN: Patent leather sandals and belts.

Grace N: A pink floral handbag.

Grace S: Green peep toes.

Grace R: White Kitten Heel Sandals. The perfect way to spice up my favorite sundress!

And finally, my "must have" for spring? A party, of course! More on that in a future post. In the meantime, Graces, enjoy the warm weather, the spring fashions, and have fun acquiring your "must haves" for the season!

With the election season in full swing and Pennsylvania playing a starring role, I've been receiveing a fair few questions regarding election etiquette. Here is a sample of things I've been asked on this timely topic:

Dear Social Grace,
Every year at this time, my sister-in-law corners me, wanting to know for whom and what I'm going to vote. Whether I answer or not, she lectures me on the "right" choices. We have very different affiliations and opinions. What's a polite way to tell her that it's none of her business and she has to stop this???

Grace Says:
Tell her as nicely and firmly as possible that you make a point of never discussing politics or voting, as it never ends well and you refuse to impose your ranting, raving self on people you like. Then change the subject to something that she can't resist discussing: her son's bronze medal in the state tiddly-winks tournament, her latest assessment on who will win "Dancing With the Stars" or the neighbor's extra-marital extracurriculars.

Dear Grace,
I have 2 children, ages 6 and 8. I think it is important to educate them at an early age on the importance of civic engagement, and obviously, voting. I have brought them to the polling place with me in the past to show them the process. They are well behaved and quiet. We don't go at peak times, and we whisper when inside the voting booth. Once or twice in the past, we have received snide comments and sneers from people who seemed to disapprove of the kids' presence. Things like, "They don't look like they're of legal voting age" (and this not said in a good-natured way) or "Hope they don't hold things up, I'm in a rush." I generally ignore this, but now my kids are getting to the age where they will be aware of these comments--I am concerned that this might happen this year and they will be upset. How do I handle these anti-kid folks?

Grace Says:
Applause for getting your kids involved in the political process early. I share your tradition; my kids always "help" me push the buttons on Election Day.

The sad fact of the matter is, no matter how well behaved your children might be, or how considerate you are of others' time and space, there simply are meanies out there. It's tough to be a Grace among Grunts. In such instances, a tolerant smile is the often the best course. In the case of the hurried voter, you could certainly offer him/her your place in line--undeserving though he/she might be, it is a gracious way to diffuse the situation and puts you firmly on the high road.

Dear Social Grace,

Every year, my daughter's school hosts an Election Day Bake Sale. I don't bake, and there is constant pressure to present restaurant quality treats for these kids to sell. It seems ridiculous for me to purchase and donate pastries from a shop at $2.00/each and have the kids resell them for 50 cents, but I don't want to be unsupportive of the fundraising efforts. This is an annual tradition, my daughter is only in first grade, and I have two younger children coming up behind her--this is going to be a problem for me long into the future--how do I handle it?

Grace Says:

With honesty. Let the parents in charge know that you are supportive of their efforts and while baking is akin to torture for you ,you would still like to help.

I suggest any of the following alternatives:

1. Offer to make a cash donation in the amount that a batch of treats would generate.
2. Donate other needed items--napkins, ziploc bags, or drinks should be a welcome and necessary addition.
3. Volunteer to help at the sale--even if you don't bake anything, you can certainly help onsite with setup, sales, and cleanup.

Having done a fair bit of volunteer work myself, I can state with near certainty that your offer of help, even if it does not involve immersing your french manicure in sugar, flour and butter, will be very much appreciated by the organizers.

Most importantly, Graces, make sure you get out and vote!

It never ceases to amaze me....but if it did, I suppose I would be out of a job...."It" being the appallingly bad behavior of our fellow wo/men in social situations.

I was recently forced to behold some glaring examples.....Last week, I attended a party for a group of young professionals who hold leadership positions in countries all over the world. They were invited to the US for a 2-week symposium during which they will tour around, meet and greet, attend conferences on a variety of topics, and return home slightly, hopefully edified.

I was having a lovely conversation with a gentleman from Pakistan who had pioneered irrigation practices in his region and revitalized the agricultural opportunities for thousands of families. A fellow party guest wandered into our ken. My foreign friend introduced himself, "I am Abu from Pakistan". The new arrival said, "Oh, are you a terrorist?" I tried to downplay the incident, saying to Abu, "Please ignore him; we don't let him out very often and you can see why," but the damage was done.

Later that evening, a Professor from Beijing was forced to endure a peanut gallery of carping about China's poor human rights record. The carpers neglected to recognize that the intellectuals, (like Professor, for example) are the ones whose human rights are customarily violated.....

Lest you think this little shindig was a rarity in rudeness....

I was recently dining at a Thai restaurant and had the misfortune to overhear a fellow patron interrogating his server on the tolerance of the child sex industry in Bangkok. Needless to say, I was sure to order dishes vastly different from his in the event that the justifiably irate server spit in the interrogator's food.

My friend recently returned from a trip to her hometown in India for where she stood as a bridesmaid at her cousin's wedding. While there, she participated in a mehendi ceremony, the pre-wedding ritual in which women have henna tattoos decoratively painted on their hands. Upon returning stateside, she was asked by a dad at school pickup, "Do you have leprosy?"

And it's not limited to international incidents.

A reader recently shared the following about her neighborhood ladies' night:
"We all gathered at a friend's house for soup, wine and conversation. One of the guests arrived after we had been seated around the table. She didn't like the remaining vacant seat, so she proceeded to uproot and rearrange everyone else--all 9 of us! Rather than make a scene, we complied, but it was very unpleasant."

And my personal favorite.... My poor husband had the ill luck to open the door to a high maintenance diva guest one evening, offered her a drink and spent the next 20 minutes (do you know how long 20 minutes is in the life of a host at a party??) trying to accommodate her beverage needs. As is customary, we provided a decent array of choices--pitchers of Fish House Punch, of course-- and Margaritas, red and white wine, a wide assortment of beer, soda (diet and regular), sparkling water, still water, and seltzer.

Unfortunately, this was unsatisfactory for "sugar free, wheat free, chemical free, bubble free, plastic-free, organic" lady (who, by the way, until 3 weeks prior to our party adhered to none of these principles.) She recoiled at the bar offerings, and ultimately, reluctantly, condescended to Grey Goose vodka with spring water and 6 squeezed lime wedges. No ice, of course, because it came from the "poisonous" tap, but the fact that the drink was consequently tepid produced quite a grimace. This only after my poor husband dumped several other attempts down the drain. He foolishly began mixing her drink in the keg cups provided. Egad, plastic! (the chemicals; dump). He then put a dash of bottled lime juice into the glass--which was deemed "highly toxic", (dump) then, the aforementioned ice cubes, (oh, the horror; dump) then seltzer (carbonation; dump). He ended up lying to her about the organic certification of the limes. When she asked that he peel them to remove any possible pesticide residue that might have migrated from other produce in our fridge, he handed her a knife and pleaded hostly duties.

It was only his deeply instilled southern hospitality that prevented him from slamming this beast on the mazzard. Or justifiably stabbing her with the lime knife. I would have swung after the ice cubes. (And I have to wonder, with all those health concerns, where does vodka fit on the food pyramid?)

So, where does that leave us, Graces?

In the situation involving the international visitors, it's not that difficult; simple engagement of the frontal lobe would suffice. If you are hosting such a gathering, be selective with your guest list. I avoid the racial/ethnic joke-telling types in general, but especially bar them from this type assemblage. When you are fortunate enough to be invited to such a festivity, just use your customary Grace. If you have a chance to read up on some of the latest news from these lands, great--but if not, you'll still be fine with a modicum of decorum. Rather than ask an obviously educated, professional Indonesian woman if she works in a rice paddy, ask her how she is enjoying the US. Ask about her job/family/hobbies. What she misses most about her native country when she travels. What are the greatest differences she observes between her country and others. You don't need a geo-political thesis for a pleasant, respectful interaction. Just a touch of, well, Grace.

My friend with the hennaed hands? Choose, in ascending order of graciousness, any of the following: "Yes, want some?"; a withering look; or a brief explanation of mehindi.

As far as the musical chairs guest, I say, vexing, but not worth the scene. You know my position on scenes--chew the tongue off first. And maybe madam has a good and personal reason for rearranging--perhaps she is hard of hearing on one side. Perhaps she is left handed and needs to be on the end. Or, perhaps she's just a control-freak who wants what she wants when she wants it. When possible, Graces, don't sweat the small stuff, and this definitely counts as small. Annoying, rude, and inconsiderate (I didn't even get to her tardiness), but not worth the bother of engaging.

All we can do is try to spread the Grace. Lead by example, and keep up the good work!

The following question recently came in from a reader obviously in need of advice. While its subject matter is one that I normally wouldn't discuss (Graces don't share bedroom antics or highly personal information, ) I was so mindboggled by the dilemma that I couldn't resist. Besides, I've never met a question I wouldn't try to answer, and Graciously Declining is an important skill to have. So, here goes....

Dear Graces,
My wife is an avid reader of your blog and she recommended that I put this dilemma before you, because we are stymied. It requires a bit of background explanation, so please bear with me on the length of my question.

Here's the situation: I am a small business owner. I am very dependent on referrals for my clients, and I have one particular source (I'll call him Bob) that has provided a steady stream of customers and revenue. Wanting to keep Bob happy, I occasionally take him out for lunch or drinks. At one of our outings, Bob revealed that he and his wife (I'll call her Jane) are heavily involved in a variety of, for lack of a better term, "Different Strokes" of the X-rated variety. (Incidentally, both Bob and Jane are in their 60s.) Of course, I don't care what he does in his spare time, and I want to keep our very profitable business relationship thriving, so I listened tolerantly, changed the subject asap, and things marched on just fine.

Fast forward to last weekend, when I had a reunion of 8 college buddies. We had a traditional "guy time" planned--steaks on the grill, a few cases of beer, fishing, pick-up games of touch football and some Bruce Willis movies. Early Saturday morning, Bob called me. I cringed, thinking that one of our machines had crashed and I would be spending the next 4 hours repairing it, but that was not the case. Bob asked, "Isn't this the reunion weekend with your 8 fraternity brothers?" I answered, "Yes, but that's ok if you need something, I'll take care of it and meet them later." Bob said, "Well, I would like to invite you all over this afternoon for a get-together with Jane, myself, and some friends from our 'adult group'." (His suggestion was more graphic but I can't bring myself to share its exact content in mixed company. Rest assured, Graces, he was suggesting far more than G&Ts on the patio).

I'm not a speechless guy, but what could I say? I ended up mumbling something about running it by the rest of the guys and that we'd get back to him. Of course we never did, but he called again a few hours later and left a voice mail repeating the offer.

I am going to have to deal with this soon; I've been dodging his calls for a few days, but business dictates that we have to interact, and my connection with him has been positive and lucrative for me. Help!

--Staying Anonymous For Obvious Reasons

Wow, I have heard a lot of etiquette dilemmas, but this one is rather unique. Although I heartily disapprove of public discussions about what goes on in your bedroom (jacuzzi, kitchen floor, backseat) I would never abandon a reader in need of advice. And in truth, declining an offer of any kind can seem like a bit of a rebuff--but saying "no thanks" to an offer of over-familiarity with the wife is a pretty extreme rejection. Here are a few suggestions on how to handle it:

--Ignore it completely and pick up your business relationship as if nothing had happened. The fact that you never called back sends Bob the message that you are not interested. Ideally, he will do the same and you can resume your profitable affiliation as if the offer had never been extended.

Unless that doesn't work.

--Address it head on: "Bob, about your offer last weekend.....I am certainly flattered, but Susan and I don't have an open marriage. We are mutually exclusive, and that works for us, but thank you anyway." Then move the topic quickly to your new machines, the Phillies lack of pitching, or the weather.

--Flatter him (and her): "Bob, it's great that you and Jane are so compatible and have made an arrangement that works so well for you. I appreciate the proposal you made last weekend, but I couldn't possibly trade the short term pleasure you offered for the long term difficulty that it would present for me with regard to Susan. You know the old saying 'different strokes for different folks.'" (Be careful with this one--you don't want him thinking that you actually want to participate if only your wife would let you.....)

This particular scenario is extreme, but the dilemma is fairly common. Not how to say "no thanks" to an orgy; rather, how to say "no thanks" to something that is offered to you with intended generosity and you have absolutely no interest in accepting....Your neighbor offers you zucchini from her garden. Aside from the fact that you hate zucchini, you know that she sprays with pesticide that has resulted in squirrel corpses all over the neighborhood. A colleague offers you a ride home, but he is a horrendous driver and has at least one crash a month. A neighbor offers to mind your children, but hers are in the ER frequently. (Or, a client offers his wife to you and 8 of your buddies for the afternoon).

The response is essentially the same. Thank them sincerely, then firmly decline, offering a non-negotiable reason if you wish. "So sweet of you to offer. Thanks anyway, but_______________" (fill in the blank from applicable selection below):

--I'm all set. This is all purpose and should do the trick unless the person is particularly insistent. If so, try the following:
--I'm allergic to zucchini/My sister just gave me a bushel from her garden.
--I'm on a new fitness program and I walk home from work/take the train and walk from the station/I'm in a carpool.
--We're just on our way out, maybe some other time/They're just getting over a nasty virus and I would hate to infect your household.

We hope these help. Good luck!

It's finally here, Graces. Rejoice, Rejuvenate, Relish. As one who wilts a bit in winter, I am out doing Pastoral Dances right about now. Here are my must-dos for this lovely time of year:

1. Get out. Whether you bask in a sliver of sun that splices skyscrapers or wander wooded wonderlands, just get out. Enjoy the longer days, the sprouting green, (yes, even in a city, there are buds on the trees, daffodils blooming in window boxes, and chirping birds returning to their warm weather habitats.)

2. Lighten up. Visit your hairdresser for some highlights, or the makeup counter for some brighter tones. I love Bobbi Brown's new creamy lip color--it's sheer, glossy, and moisturizing all at once.

3. Introduce some color. Not, not the tanning bed variety--you know how I feel about abusing your skin thus. Bring some new shades into your closet. I know, I know, black is easy, slimming, flattering, versatile, and the overwhelmingly dominant shade in my wardrobe--guilty as charged--but trust me, a bit of pink will do wonders for your look.

4. Equip yourself with stylish rain gear--you know the old saying about April Showers. Target has great, affordable trench coats, funky umbrellas and an amazing selection of attractive rubber boots--from pink polka dots (you know how I feel about pink!) to shiny black wedgies. They will keep you dry and fashionable in one fell swoop.

5. Do some spring cleaning, whatever that means to you: a wardrobe purge; a house scrub; a ritual emptying of drawers and shelves or a cleansing facial/body buff/pedicure.

6. Host a cookout on the first warm weekend. Keep it simple with burgers and dogs, or go crazy with sockeye salmon and grilled mango chutney.

7. Dine al fresco--whether it's a muffin and latte at your fave sidewalk cafe or a full course dinner at a bistro with a patio; when the weather cooperates, there's nothing like it!

8. Spruce up your scents. Having slathered up with Maiden Beauty Pretty Body Cream (availible on calistacove.com), I am basking in its lovely spring-like aroma. Other delightfully soft suggestions for the season: Estee Lauder's Pleasures and Bvlgari's The Blanc (White Tea).

9. Make your summer plans. If a vacation is in the cards, now is the time to arrange it. Be as adventurous or mundane as you desire, but get moving on it!

10. Turn over a new leaf. In the spirit of the rebirth that nature is demonstrating all around you, make a "spring resolution". Try Yoga. Plan to take frequent evening walks. Learn Japanese. Make a standing date with a person you really like but never manage to see. Limit your junk food intake.

But most of all, enjoy!

Dear Social Graces,
I am mad, mad, mad. Here's why: My daughter, who is many wonderful things, but not a linguist, has a tutor for Spanish class. The tutor is a teaching assistant at school, a lovely young woman training to be a full time teacher. I pay Senorita a fair wage to do this extra work and the arrangement is improving my daughter's skills mucho. No harm to anyone, and helping the kid. Until the supervising teacher decided that Senorita was breaking a rule by earning money privately, in her classroom, after hours, without a supervising teacher on site. We managed to find an alternate plan which is not quite optimal but works passably. How do I deal with the tattletale who willfully sabotaged an arrangement that helped a struggling student?

Mad Mamacita

Dear MM,
I, too, abhor gratuitously officious behavior, especially when it sacrifices a benefit to a kid. And I commend you for getting your daughter what she needs under the circs. You won't like my suggestion, but I swear it is the way to go. Thank "Rulie Julie" for her hospitality and kindness in allowing your daughter the use of her classroom for her previous tutoring sessions. Play dumb about the cause and source of the termination. Consider a card or note, possibly even a small token giftie.

Here's the script: "Ms. Julie, I just want to thank you for your generous hospitality in allowing Ashley and Senorita to use your classroom for tutoring. It has really helped Ashley with her Spanish. I know they had to move for some safety code or something, but I am no less grateful to you for your assistance up to this point. I would have said all this in June when term ended, but it still true even though they are no longer using your space."

Yes, it is a wrench, and you might choke a bit on the words--but we promise Rulie Julie won't give you any more trouble. She might even feel a tad guilty. Should you ever need a favor from her down the road, you're well-positioned--and don't forget, she interacts with your daughter every day--best to keep that relationship positive and unclouded by your (perfectly justified) anger. Trust me, the Moral High Ground has a much better view (even if you're not quite sincere in your ascent).

And bear in mind that Rulie Julie may have been correct in following the letter, if not the spirit, of the law--there are rules that govern intern teachers working with students, codes that determine after-hours use of the building, liability concerns, etc. But of course, we still agree with you--we're sure RJ could have found a way to help, rather than hurt the situation. That's what a Grace would have done.

Dear Graces,

How do you suggest reacting as a passerby when witnessing a toddler throwing a 7- alarm tantrum on the sidewalk?

Please advise.

Dear Innocent Bystander,

We've all been there in one form or another. About the only thing I absolutely bar is chastising the suffering caregiver (judgmental stares, comments and barbs are unhelpful at best and mean spirited at worst.) Any of the following are perfectly acceptable reactions:

--Ignore the spectacle completely. Avert your eyes. Give the scene a wide berth and keep moving.

--Make a supportive/humorous gesture or comment. A knowing smile, nod, wave or shrug does the trick. Or say something like: "Been there, done that"; "Well, looking on the bright side, you know he has healthy lungs!"; "Naptime? Me, too!" or "My sentiments exactly!".

--Help. Retrieve the garments the tot is rending. Offer to hold Mom's bag while she wrestles kid into the stroller, or stay with the infant while she chases the toddler into the street. If you happen to have a full flask on you, give her a swig.

Dear Social Graces,
I carpool with a neighbor every day--I drive to middle school, she picks up. It works out fine, except that the neighbor's 8th grader brings a large iced coffee into my car every morning--and she spilled it yesterday. I was against this practice from the start for a variety of reasons--my upholstery, the example she is setting for my daughter, and of course, her health, and I really wish I had done something about it earlier. My question is twofold: 1) How do I make sure she doesn't bring any more drinks into my car, and 2) Do I have any shot of having her mom pay for the detailing and cleaning bill I am going to incur? (My car really reeks!)

Dear Reader,

I am so sorry about your reeking backseat. Your course of action is as follows:

Tell Java Jane that you are not allowing beverages in your car. Don't elaborate, don't point fingers, don't blame the new rule on her by reminding her of the spill and don't chastise her. Keep short and sweet. If she shows up with her Mocha Latte again, politely say, "JJ, You'll have to dump/finish/put back in your fridge the drink before we can leave. No drinks in my chariat." Or, you can call her mom and say, "Judy, I don't want to make Jane feel uncomfortable, but there was an accident with her coffee this morning, and the entire cup dumped over the back seat of my car. In order to prevent future spills, I am instituting a 'no drinks' policy. It would be a great help if you could remind her tomorrow morning before she leaves the house." If Judy is a Grace, she will, at this point, offer to pay your cleanup costs. Good luck!

When did civil discourse become so uncivil? Why has it become necessary to attack the people when we disagree with their ideas? In the political arena campaigns "go negative" all the time--and it does not in any way guarantee victory. Remember Bob Dole's assault on Bill Clinton's character? Clinton went on to a successful 2-term presidency--maybe with an indiscretion or 2, but still. How about Hillary's attacks on Barack: plagiarism, insufficient racial pride, even "Shame on you, Barack"--check the polls, Graces; she ain't winning.

And this ugliness is not limited to the national front. I recently witnessed some equally uncivil displays right here in my little urban village....

It all started with a hole in the ground. An eyesore, to be sure, that sat ugly and gaping for 10 years. Then some clever guys came in with a plan to build a luxury hotel and condo, along with spa, retail boutiques, and a 5 star restaurant. Yay, I say. I love luxury hotels, 5 star restaurants, spas and retail boutiques!

But the Hysterical Preservation Committee got their knickers in a knot over the height of the building and sharpened their knitting needles. They waged email campaigns. They packed meetings with rabble rousers who shouted and booed and hissed, made personal attacks on neighbors, cast aspersions at the architects, they shook their fists and foamed at the mouth.

You get the picture, Graces--I need not belabor the point or continue with a seemingly endless list of conduct unbecoming even the Salem Witch Hunters or Senator Joseph McCarthy. Now, I grant that people are absolutely within their right to oppose whatever they wish--I merely object to their methods. Can't they just be polite and respectful in their discourse? Must they descend to levels of behavior generally reserved for the so-called hooligans at rural English soccer matches? And I know this phenomenon is not unique to my little corner of the world--it is widespread and rampant. We are in the midst of yet another rudeness epidemic.

Differences of opinion are a fact of life; they don't necessitate open warfare and can generally be smoothed over with a bit of, well, grace. Graces don't agree just for the sake of social ease, but neither do we shred a person in an effort to counter his statement. We're all for the respectful interchange of diverse ideas.

I favor the First Amendment. I am fond of Voltaire--remember him? "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." Ok, I wouldn't defend to death, that is a bit extreme and Graces abhor extremism, but, remember Monsieur Voltaire lived in the days of honor duels--different times, different customs. I like the basic sentiment.

So, give it a shot. Share your opinion, listen to others'. But for the occasions when the discourse heats up to a temperature that threatens civility, I pose some suggestions on how to graciously disagree:

--"Well, [Insert name of pontificating blowhard], you have obviously given this a lot of thought and study. I don't think we will see eye to eye on it, but I am impressed by the extent of your knowledge." Then change the subject or excuse yourself.

--"I've certainly heard and read similar opinions, but I view it differently." Then change the subject or excuse yourself.

--"Trite but true: let's agree to disagree." Then change the subject or excuse yourself.

I offer lots of other ideas on subject changes, conversational parries and escape routes.

In the meantime, lead by example, Graces. There's plenty of material out there on which to opine-- you know I have a few of opinions of my own and I share them often--but let's keep it civil. And when you can't, exit stage right.

What is the condition that causes otherwise reasonably polite people to turn into Neanderthals when they get behind the wheel of a car? Let me rephrase that--for it insults our primitive forbears who were probably too busy hunting mammoths and rubbing sticks together to invent obscene gestures, threaten their fellow cavedwellers and commit vandalism. (Although, maybe cave drawings were early forms of grafitti--but I digress). What is it about an automobile that brings out the worst in people? Witness the following, all true tales:

--We rented a neighbor's parking space for a convalescing relative who came to stay with us for 2 weeks. The neighbor agreed, cashed our check and 3 days later began to affix nasty notes to the car. With duct tape. The notes got meaner and more threatening as the days went by. He never bothered to call or knock on our door to inform us of his change in plans, and we remained unaware, because the recuperating uncle did not move the car until his departure. The state of his vehicle, when he finally felt well enough to leave, nearly put him back in the hospital. The duct tape really didn't come off, and when it occasionally did, took chunks of the paint job with it. Not to mention the threats of bodily harm contained in the later notes.

--Upon arriving at school one morning, a mom jumped jauntily out of her car and said, "I only had 2 people flip me off today! That must be an all time low for my 3 mile drive."

--I escorted my young son across the street on his scooter. He was a bit wobbly and our pace was necessarily deliberate. A man in a white Benz waiting at the stop sign screamed "Get that *&%$ing kid out of my way!"

--I can't count the number of times I have nearly ended up as a strawberry stain on the street when pushing a stroller. Only deep maternal instinct prevented me from ramming many a non-yielding SUV with my pram as we made our (legally granted right of) way across the street.

--And the horn. Good God, the horn. I sometimes feel as if, sitting in gridlock, people think that leaning on the horn will magically eliminate the traffic. Or how about those folks two or three cars back from the intersection when the light turns green? Our retinas have barely had time to register the color change when they are blasting away.

--Parking spaces. We see battles waged over on-street parking every day. We have lived through epic wars over a shared parking lot with specific spaces allotted to residents. Guests rue the day when they overstay their rationed 24 hours in the coveted "visitor's spot"--at a minimum, they receive a nasty, anonymous note on the windshield informing them that they should have vacated at 10:22am and they are now 3 hours and 14 minutes over their permitted time. (There is no punch clock or computer logging this, just a particularly vigilant neighbor who happens to live adjacent to the space, has a lot of spare time and no hobbies.) At worst, their vehicle is towed to a remote lock-up which requires vast amounts of cash and a minimum of one vital organ to reclaim.

--Cell Phones. How many more statistics do we need to hear before we, as a society, learn that talking on a cell phone, even a hands-free device, grossly increases the chance of an accident? I recently read that cell-phones are equivalent to intoxication in terms of the distractedness, reduced reaction times, and consequently, the car accidents that they cause. Isn't that terrifying?

So, how do Graces handle themselves in cars?

Here are a few suggestions....

1. Be courteous. Let the other driver go ahead, let the oncoming car make the turn in front of you, let an approaching vehicle enter your lane. Unless you have, in your backseat, a woman in the late stages of labor with the baby crowning, or a heart attack victim gasping for his last breaths of life, those 5 seconds really don't make a difference. (Even in those circ's, they probably don't). On the flipside, when someone lets you in, say thanks. We recommend a wave, or if it's dark, a quick flick of the lights. Not a honk, please. (Remember the Seinfeld episode with the ungrateful maroon Golf? We really miss Seinfeld.)

2. Yield to pedestrians. Besides being the law of the land, it is the gracious thing to do. The green light instructs them to cross the street; it also advises you that you are free to make the turn, but let them clear the crosswalk first. Please don't begin your turn when they are halfway across the street; while I often fantasize about reducing the size of my hindquarters, having it ripped off by a rapidly turning minivan is not part of the fantasy. Be mindful that some folks move slower than others; do we even need to mention that small children, parents with strollers, and senior citizens do not move at the standard power-walk rate of 3.9 mph? Even if they are jaywalking or crossing against the light, let 'em go. Hitting a pedestrian would definitely make you late for work, involve a ton of unpleasant paperwork, and is really rude. The Graces strongly advise against it.

3. Be reasonable about parking spaces. Don't abuse the shared spot, and give folks the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they intended to unload their groceries from the spot and move the car immediately--but they walked into the house, slipped in catsick, and are hobbling around with a sprained ankle, slowly stowing the perishables while covered in feline vomit. As far as on-street goes, it's first come first served.

4. Use the horn only when absolutely necessary--when someone is about to hit you, for example. Or at a light when you have given your fellow driver ample time to note the change and she still appears to be daydreaming about the dim sum she had for lunch or Brad Pitt's latest headlines.

5. Hang up the phone. No discussion. If you must make a call (and by must we mean that your engine is on fire and you need to dial 911) pull over.

It happens all the time. People have no sense of minding their own business. Why they feel the need to inquire about all sorts of forbidden topics is beyond me--but personal experience demonstrates again and again that we are in the midst of an inappropriateness epidemic.

Witness any of the following scenarios--all true, unbelievable as they may seem:

I was in the grocery store on my way home from work one evening recently. My lapel was adorned, as it often is, by a decorative brooch. On this particular occasion, it happened to be a gold-toned Chanel number. The cashier, as she rang up my fresh pasta and organic English peas, asked, "Is that real? I wondered, because there are so many fakes around these days." I was aghast, but managed to collect myself sufficiently to respond: "I believe so; it was a gift". The temptation was to invite her to bite into it like a bandit with a coin in an old western movie, but I refrained.

Positive comments on clothing and accessories are great. Asking the source of a particular item if the wearer is a close friend is fine. Requesting authentication of anything from anyone is never done.

I'm not sure why it is, but people are very comfortable inquiring about new parents' religious intentions. Our friend, Grace MD, who we have mentioned before, was the unfortunate victim of this phenomenon. Proudly displaying her newborn son at a large gathering, MD fell into the clutches of a most ungracious dowager. "You're Catholic and your husband is Jewish. What is your baby?" MD, bless her, gave an exaggerated peek under the infant's garments and said, "He appears to be a boy. Would you like to see for yourself?" The old carp harumphed and waddled off, in search of some other less adroit target to terrorize.

Religion? Please. Stay away from that one. It is intensely personal, potentially contentious, and always best avoided.

While having lunch with a group of women, I witnessed another invasion. Halfway through the main course, one of the guests asked another, "So, Samantha, is your husband leaving his firm to join my husband's firm? I heard he interviewed there last week." Yikes! Fortunately for the rest of us, who were studiously ignoring the comment and concentrating hard on our plates, Samantha was a Grace. "Well, Darren feels very fortunate to have the chance to explore several good opportunities, and I'm sure he will let people know when he decides. Isn't this chicken salad delicious?"

It is one thing to make a supportive inquiry like this one in a very private setting of a close friend--it is still questionable, but should be determined by the circumstances and the relationship. It is never okay to broadcast news like this in a public forum.

And a final nugget: My dear friend Grace F lives in a gorgeous, spacious 3 bedroom apartment with her husband and 2 children. One holiday while hosting her husband's extended family, a cousin-in-law asked her, "How do you and Jonathan manage to have sex while your kids sleep just down the hall?" Can we say boundaries, boys and girls? This is beyond an invasion of privacy. Not to mention the fact that many couples have more than one child and so obviously manage to get around this issue. I know of no couples in this day and age who take an abstinence vow after birthing child #1. Grace F collected herself and answered, "Well, we do have a lock on the door. Now I must go put the coffee on. Excuse me."

There are plenty of interesting, pleasant topics that do not involve sex, religion, politics, household finances, and personal health issues. Graces are adept at conversation and need never resort to these taboos. Graces are also masters at deflecting said topics and redirecting the discussion into calmer waters. The most skilled tactition of this diversionary strategy is our friend Grace N. While working as an executive assistant to the CEO of a major corporation, N was forever asked to reveal her employer's wherabouts and plans. Part of her job was maintaining confidentiality. She honed this skill, and it has continued to serve her well in all arenas. A typical phone exchange went something like this: Nosy person: "N, is CEO going to Florida this afternoon?" N: "Florida? Hmmmm....let me check.......Do you like Florida? I don't think I could live there all the time. I really like the change of seasons. Are you enjoying the foliage this year? I've heard this fall has the most dramatic colors we've seen in decades. There goes the other line. Please hold." Pause on hold for 30 seconds. "Sorry to keep you waiting. Did you want to leave a message?" I have seen Grace N. do this in situations as diverse as volunteer committee meetings, playground showdowns, political events, and of course, lots of parties. Trust me, it works.

Our counsel in the face of rampant gracelessness: Avoid the forbidden topics at all costs. When you have the ill-luck to be confronted with one of them, rapid fire diversion is the best defense. Of course, some people are simply relentless. In those cases, escape is the only option--an urgent phone message, immediate domestic or professional duty, nature calling--all fair game when you need to cut and run. Until there is a vaccine for this inappropriateness epidemic, we Graces simply must battle it with the weapons available to us. Be brave, young soldiers and fight the good fight.

It's a little late in the game to plan a major extravaganza--the possibility of a themed costume party with invites on vintage movie postcards mailed to arrive on the day that the nominees are announced has long past. (Yes, I confess to having done that once for an Oscars party I threw long ago with disastrous results--it was so far in advance that people lost track of the date an our turnout was mortifyingly low.) But you can still throw together a fun fete integrating as much (or as little) fanfare as you wish.

The foodie in me must consider ingestibles first. My inclination is to pull food from Oscar nominated movies throughout the ages, with a special emphasis on the current slate. So, here is what to serve--or perhaps better yet, what to offer to bring to someone else's party:

--Juno: "Bun in the oven"--serve mini hot dogs and burgers on cute little buns with assorted condiments.
--Michael Clayton: Shark Kebobs
--No Country For Old Men: baby lamb chops, baby vegetables, baby brie, baby greens. (This one is a stretch, I know).
--Bubba Gump Shrimp
--Gone With the Wind Barbecue
--Moonstruck Pasta

To Drink:
--There Will Be Blood Orange Martinis/Margaritas or Bloody Marys (though I am not a fan of these for evening.) Or choose any red drink: cosmos and pomegranate martinis can't lose.
--Champagne
--Wine/"Sour Grapes" for the losers??

To Wear:
--Black Tie
--"Oscar"--a gold jumpsuit--I actually have one of these for this exact purpose; I have worn it several times and have lent it several more. Just be sure to wear serious foundation garments....
--Costume from any of the nominated films, current or past: white dinner jacket a la Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca; Hockey mask like Anthony Hopkins in Silence of the Lambs; Cut sweatshirt/leggings/legwarmers a la Flashdance (it won for best song!); Boxing attire a la Million Dollar Baby; Togas from Gladiator; Kilts for Braveheart.

Other Elements:
--Have a pool betting on the winners; prize can be dvd's of nominated films or a gift card to the movies.
--Buy several yards of inexpensive red fabric; roll it out on your front walk, steps, or entrance hall for your very own "red carpet".
--Have the host, a few willing guests, or hired help wield flashing cameras as attendees arrive.
--Award prizes for the best costumes.

But mostly relax, have fun, eat, drink and be merry. And if you decide on the gold jumpsuit, don't forget the Spanx; most of the folks at the Oscars will be wearing them, that's for sure.

No, I am not talking about the elusive commodity that the Eagles occasionally lack under the quarterbacking of Donavan McNabb. Nor am I talking about the hazardous attempts at expeditious vehicular travel on the Schuylkill Expressway. I refer to something much more fun: a fantasy game that we play, usually after a cosmo or 2, deciding who would be our one “pass” if given the opportunity to have a romantic interlude with total immunity.

My pass is pretty much always Hugh Grant. I think he is lovely. He is funny (which at this point in my life is at least as important as any other feature). He is British--love the accent! He has my taste in movies. Although I just recalled that he was arrested last year for hurling a bean can at a photographer. Certainly not a Grace move, and possibly enough to get him stricken from the top of my pass list, alas. My husband always picks JLo--though her recent pregnancy may temporarily change that. The point is, of course, that the person be a remote and reasonably unattainable conquest. I also instill the “no necrophilia” rule. I like living passes.

We had an unfortunate experience with this game at a dinner party recently. We gave a cursory description of the idea and started with the gent to the hostess’ left. He obviously had not comprehended the guidelines, for he blurted out, “My pass would be Pam from the copy room!” as the rest of us cringed. His poor wife. They did not stay for dessert.

The thing is, crushes exist, even in the most extreme cases of marital bliss. Acting on them is, naturally, something the Graces would not recommend, but that is a topic for another day. People can even have chaste crushes. Maybe you don’t want to use them as your “pass”, but you might like to have dinner with them (or a power lunch), spend a day at the shore, an evening at the theatre, a hike in the Wissahickon or afternoon at the ballpark. So we asked some our favorite Graces about their Philly crushes, (chaste and otherwise) and here are their anonymous and very diverse reactions:

“Chase Utley—oh, so handsome, and what stats—he’s a “score” in my book.”

“Will Smith—do you need an explanation?”

“Maria Bello—did you see her cheerleader scene in ‘A History of Violence?’ Hold on, I need a moment.”

“Paul Levy—how can you resist the brilliant competence exuding from someone who virtually resurrected Center City?”

“Jevon Kearse—I don’t want to talk to him, I just want to sleep with him.”

"Lisa Nutter--looks, brains, and the keys to the city."

"John Bolaris--he's back and better than ever. He can come 'storming into my room' any time!"

“Jeff Coon—he is in every local theatre production—he is talented, adorable, and he’s an actor, so he could be anyone you want him to be.”

“Jose Garces—Looks and cooks, dark and handsome—now there’s a combo!”

We certainly have a variety. As they say in South Philly, “That’s why they make chocolate and vanilla, Hon.”

We've all heard the expression in one form or another....The Golden Rule, "Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You", Good Karma/Bad Karma, "You scratch my back I'll scratch yours", You reap what you sow--it's all the same thing. Basically it all comes down to being nice, which we should all do because it's the right thing, but truthfully, there are serious benefits to treating people well.....Here are some vivid illustrations:

My sister, who is very good to her hairdresser, had a recent hair emergency during which all the years of nice tips and promptness paid off. She and her husband were dressing for a Valentine Masquerade Party--couples costumes required. They were going as the King and Queen of the Prom, circa 1985. Sis procured a mullet wig for husband, who was reluctant to put it on. To appease husband, she agreed to cut some of the bulk off the back of the wig. For reasons inexplicable, she deemed it expedient to don the wig while trimming, and accidentally cut off her ponytail. Yes, she actually cut off her ponytail! As she stood screaming, holding the scrunchie filled with 6 inches of expensively highlighted tresses, she grabbed for the phone. Despite the fact that it was closing time on a busy Friday, her stylist agreed to fit her in, and 80's costume aside, gave her a cute little Victoria Beckam bob, short in the back, long in the front (which was really the only option under the circs) and off she went to the party, looking more Flock of Seagulls than Cyndi Lauper, but the evening was salvaged (not to mention her appearance). All because Sis books appointments in advance, keeps them, and tips generously.

The flipside of the hairdresser tale: my neighbor Bea had her hair done the day of a charity ball. She was so dissatisfied with the do (which, frankly, looked perfectly lovely) that she badmouthed the stylist to everyone in town, claimed that she had to cancel the evening because of her hair, and spent the next month complaining about it. Of course, it got back to the stylist, and he got his revenge in two ways. Every time Bea called for an appointment, he and all of his coworkers were busy (her harping did the salon no good, so they all stood together). The hairdresser later took up a sideline business as a garden designer and when she called to engage his services for planting one window box he gave her an estimate of $1500!

Another one....

My friend Grace takes very good care of her children's teachers--brings them coffee and sweets, occasionally buys them lunch, gives them lovely holiday gifts, and generally treats them quite well. Her notion (which I happen to agree with) is that they are doing the most important job in the world--taking care of her children. She is profoundly grateful for that and expresses her thanks in tangible (and edible) ways, which is very, very nice. The cynical pragmatist might also add--whose kid do you think will be rescued from the burning building first--the one whose mom brings the teachers food, drink and gifts, or the one whose mom kvetches about the reading list and makes snide comments about how nice it must be to finish work at 3pm?

One day, Grace's son left his homework at school. The teacher noticed his folder on the desk as she prepared to leave for the day and called Grace--then offered to drop the folder off at the house. I am guessing this is far out of the union contract requirements. (Grace's son was less than overjoyed, but that's hardly the point.)

Restaurants are the capital of this phenomenon--make friends with the maitre'd and you'll always get the choice table on Saturday night. Tip your waiter well and he'll be sure to grab the last tuna tartare special for you when they run low next time. Be a regular, positive, supportive patron and lo and behold, you have the antipasto platter or dessert comped from time to time.

But remember, sincerity is key. Don't just be nice so you get the free souffle--just be nice. Trust me, they know the difference.

twosocialgraces's Blog

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