prettyinpinks's posts about:
Entertainment
See all posts with this tag
This is pretty good for some laughs!
How to save your butt if you plan to visit Wisconsin
Issued by the Wisconsin Tourism Bureau to ALL visitors:
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Al's Lodge. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your butt.
2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Sheboygan, Menomonie, Nekoosa, Prairie du Chien, etc.) or we will just have to kick your butt.
3) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your butt.
4) We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her butt.
5) Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass fish and cows. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. And don't laugh at our love and pride of cheese or we'll kick your butt.
6) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the heck up. Just spend your money and get the heck out of here or we'll kick your butt.
7) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well-done like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your butt.
8) Don't try to fake a Wisconsin accent. We don't have an accent. That will incite a riot and you will get your butt kicked.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Detroit, New York, and Chicago, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Interstates 90, 94, 39, and 43 are ready when you are. Move your butt on home before it gets kicked.
10) Don't complain that Wisconsin has too many mosquitoes and farm land. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your butt all the way back to Chicago.
11) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your butt, just like they did ours.
12) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on the farm or in the woods? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your butt.
13) Oshkosh B'gosh is NOT a joke. Your butt will be kicked.
14) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the prairies should "go back to the buffalo." This will get your butt shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your butt.
Now enjoy your visit and then go home.
(found on facebook)
Things were weird yesterday. I had numerous encounters with people whom I consider to be just downright mean and selfish. The last one in particular was a doozy. I was so bummed out from all of these awful people that when I saw the shooting star I just stared at it glumly, wondering if it was a message from God or if it was just plain dumb luck that I happened to be looking.
Anyway. I get home and start doing some stuff on the computer, and my dad walks in. He sits in a chair behind me and glares at the back of my head until I turn around.
He's angry. "You left the car window open," he accused.
"Sorry."
"In a parking lot. Where anybody could have broken in, or stolen the registration. They could have found out exactly who we were and where we live and practically anything about us. All because you 'forgot.' Was it an accident? Maybe."
"It was."
"How do I know this stuff doesn't happen more often? How do I know when you're driving down the road you're paying attention and not fiddling with the radio?"
"You trust that I don't."
"I don't know if I can trust you anymore. If you keep doing stupid things like leaving windows down how can I trust you?"
He goes on for awhile, then finally gives me the ultimatum: "If you do anything like this ever again, or you have any issue whatsoever with the cars, or you're snotty, or you act up, you'll lose driving privileges for two weeks. Are we clear?"
"Yes."
Part of me was glad the punishment wasn't worse. The other part of me, the part that had endured selfish awful catty girls all day, wanted to throw my arms around him and say thank you. Because it's his, and my mom's, cracking the whip over the last sixteen years of my life, I haven't turned out like those other kids. Of course I want to hug him for that.
