newzjunky's Blog

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mom or dad.

Every man has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

Old women with mobile phones look wrong!

Its impossible to look cool while picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

Old ladies can eat more than you think.

You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned electricity plug.

People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Spike" or "Rex". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

 When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend
so get yourself a dog."

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITES. BUT NOT CLOSE TO MY BEST!!!

 

Get up really early and sneak into your victims bathroom and fill their hair-dryer with baby powder. And when they turn it on, their head will be pure white just like an old person.

Before one of your family members takes a shower, remove the shower head and place a life-saver candy in it, replace the shower head with the candy now trapped in it. When the person takes a shower he or she will not notice, until they get out and start to dry off the towel will stick to them they will get back in the shower to rinse off... works like a charm.

Find a box about the size of a cake. Then cover it with frosting, making it look like a cake. Then put it out in the office kitchen, or wherever people leave free food. Sit back as one of your co-workers tries to cut a slice.

Take an empty coffee mix can and replace it with a can with coffee mix in it. Make sure coffee cans are the same brand, or it will not work. At the bottom of the can put a piece of paper that says April Fools. Make sure you help the person with making their coffee to see their reaction. 

This ones for all you pet owners! First, put a walky talky some wear near the area of where your pet is laying. Go into another room with the other walky talky. Then, when your brother/sister goes to pet your furry friend, say something like..."Hey Pal! Get your grimy hands off me!"

 They'll get a kick outta this one!!! Get a small alarm clock and set it for 3:00 a.m. Sneak under the victim's bed. Once it goes off, he/she won't be able to find it will drive them nuts

Switch the "Pull" and "Push" signs on a set of doors. Watch as people get confused trying to open the doors. (Don't do this on fire escapes)

You will need a funnel, a coin, a couple of friends and, of course, a victim! Start playing the 'funnel game' in front of your victim. A game of skill that involves putting the funnel down the front of your pants and balancing the coin on your nose with your head tilted back. Tip your head forward to let the coin drop into the funnel. When you have the victim begging to do this put the funnel in his pants and get him to put his head back so you can balance the coin on his nose. As this is happening pour a large drink into the funnel!

Stick a post-it note under your friend's mouse so that the paper leaf covers the mouse ball - the mouse will no longer work! Align so that the sticky part of the note doesn't touch the ball. Costs next to nothing to do, and doesn't cause any damage.

Grab a bottle of liquid soap and head toward the "victims" bedroom. Squirt some of the soap onto your hand and rub all over the doorknob of his/her room. Run away before he or she sees you in the process of doing this prank.

  Glue eggs to the carton and beg for eggs in the morning. When the victim gets them the eggs break! 

 When your victims asleep sneak into their room and draw eyebrows and a moustache on their face, make sure to be their when they look in the mirror.

Put some water in a cereal bowl, and place it in the freezer so that the water freezes. Offer to make your sister/brother cereal in the morning. Make sure you use that same bowl. Put their favorite cereal over the top of the ice, and serve. 

 Take a rubber band and slip it over the lever on the spray handle so that when someone turns the sink on, it will spray him or her in the face.

This is an easy way to pull a great prank Tell your kids that you just got the test scores from the proficiency tests and then go down stairs and say to your kids your going to go and make copies and then come running / walking and make your face look like you just saw a ghost and say to your kids that whatever your principals name is just spilled coffee on the proficiency tests and the will have to take it again.

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ' For the love of God! ' ' Go! Go! Go ! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked your cousin, who was with me, what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck right back. Your cousin burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma

Uh, Jim? Where the hell are you?  Jeep & I were talking, and got to worrying cause we ain't heard from you in a while..  Hit me back so that I know you are alright my friend. 

 

 

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
You better pray that will come out of the carpet.

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
Because I said so, that's why.

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
Shut your mouth and eat your supper.

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
Stop acting like your father!

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
Just wait until we get home.

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
You are going to get it when you get home!

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.

19. My mother taught me ESP.
Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?

20. My mother taught me HUMOR (so that I could write this blog. ummm yea).
When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
You're just like your father.

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? And if they aren't you really needed to take a bath.

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And if you have any, send them to us!

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends - if they're okay, then it's you!

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear and be misread especially all in lower case...

"Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their website is www.whorepresents.com

"Experts Exchange" is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than "Pen Island" at www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder" at www.therapistfinder.com

There's the "Italian Power Generator" company at www.powergenitalia.com

And don't forget the "Mole Station Native Nursery" in New South Wales www.molestationnursery.com

If you're looking for "IP computer software" there's always www.ipanywhere.com

And the designers at " Speed of Art" await you at their wacky website www.speedofart.com

CAN YOU CRY UNDER WATER?

WHY DO WE FIRST CHOP A TREE DOWN AND THEN CHOP IT UP?

HOW IMPORTANT DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE BEFORE THEY ARE CONSIDERED ASSASSINATED INSTEAD OF JUST MURDERED?

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO 'PUT YOUR TWO CENTS IN'.. BUT IT'S ONLY A 'PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS'? WHERE'S THAT EXTRA PENNY GOING?

WHY DOES A ROUND PIZZA COME IN A SQUARE BOX?

WHAT DISEASE DID CURED HAM ACTUALLY HAVE?

HOW IS IT THAT WE PUT MAN ON THE MOON BEFORE WE FIGURED OUT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO PUT WHEELS ON LUGGAGE?

WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE SAY THEY 'SLEPT LIKE A BABY' WHEN BABIES WAKE UP LIKE EVERY TWO HOURS?

IF A DEAF PERSON HAS TO GO TO COURT, IS IT STILL CALLED A HEARING?

WHY ARE YOU IN A MOVIE, BUT YOU'RE ON TV?

WHY DO PEOPLE PAY TO GO UP TALL BUILDINGS AND THEN PUT MONEY IN BINOCULARS TO LOOK AT THINGS ON THE GROUND?

WHY DO DOCTORS LEAVE THE ROOM WHILE YOU CHANGE? THEY'RE GOING TO SEE YOU NAKED ANYWAY.

WHY IS 'BRA' SINGULAR AND 'PANTIES' PLURAL?

WHY DO TOASTERS ALWAYS HAVE A SETTING THAT BURNS THE TOAST TO A HORRIBLE CRISP, WHICH NO DECENT HUMAN BEING WOULD EAT?

IF JIMMY CRACKS CORN AND NO-ONE CARES, WHY IS THERE A STUPID SONG ABOUT HIM?

Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.

Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students.

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack. 

Fortune favours the prepared.

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.

In politics, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.

Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

If at first you don't succeed, the skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.

I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true.

Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.

 

 

When someone asks you what your favorite mode of transit is, it most likely isn't taking the bus! However, if you are stuck on a long bus ride, I am pleased to provide you with a list of things to do to pass away the time...

1. Eat nothing but gas inducing foods the entire trip, not hesitating to share the wealth with everyone on board. Recommended foods are chili, burritos, McDonalds, any eggs, Kentucky Fried Chicken (stay near the toilet if you want the KFC...)

2. Repeat #1, only engage in a cuppy war with the bus driver. (For those that do not know what a cuppy is, it involves making a cup with your hand, farting in it and slipping it directly into the face of some unsuspecting friend.)

3. Every time the bus wobbles from the wind caused by passing transports, jump up and scream WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

4. Incessantly complain that it is way too cold in the bus, no matter what the temperature is, keep doing it until the bus driver turns the heat up to full blast just to shut you up, then wait a few minutes for it to get really hot and start to complain about it.

5. Two words: Water Pistol

6. Two more words: Paper Airplanes

7. Make racing car noises constantly, occasionally announcing your progress along the racetrack in an announcer voice. When anyone comes up to you and asks what the heck you are doing, look at them funny and ask how they got in your NASCAR.

8. Eat nothing but really noisy foods, such as bags of chips, nachos, tacos, individually wrapped candies and unwrap them as loudly as possible. Also eat them noisily, chewing with your mouth open and making the loudest possible slopping noises.

9. Purchase a megaphone. Nuff said?

10. Engage in some hot, wild sex at the back of the bus with one or more passengers.

11. Sit at the back of the bus, turning off all the lights around you and keeping the blinds down, keep a black briefcase on your lap at all times, wear a black trench coat and a black hat, look really nervous, don't talk to anybody and keep glancing at your watch.

12. Walk up and down the aisle, claiming out loud that you are Jesus and blessing everyone with a half-eaten leg of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

13. When the bus is driving all alone on a long stretch of highway, preferably completely devoid of life of any sort, suddenly jump up and start running up and down the aisle, flailing your arms and screaming as loud and you can....

14. Then after 30 seconds or so, sit down at your seat and act like nothing happened.

15. When the bus stops for a food break, instead of following the other passengers to a restaurant, sit outside in front of the big picture window on the ground with a struggling burlap sack. Open the sack and remove some small, live animal (cat, squirrel, rat, pigeon, etc) and eat it like a feral dog would, in the view of everyone else. Make lots of growling noises, snarl and snap at people who get too close.

16. Use the bathroom often, for disturbingly long periods of time. Make lots of grunting and straining noises, loud enough for everyone to hear. Occasionally drop an orange into the bowl from a good height.

17. When in the bathroom, wait for the bus to hit a huge pothole or bump, then scream for help, claiming you are now crapping on your head.

18. Get on the bus first, pick the seat right behind the bus driver, as everyone gets on, greet each one of them with a hug and a kiss.

19. At night when everyone is sleepy and unsuspecting, suddenly start barking as loud as possible, feel free to use megaphone.

20. Play with knives, just like Bishop on Aliens!

21. Clean a .357 Magnum, if that doesn't get peoples attention, cleaning the rest of your on board handgun collection will.

22. When someone is in the toilet, bang on the door and yell at them to get out as quickly as possible. Then just as they open the door, put a strained look on your face and say Never mind... then drive the point home by farting.

23. Musical chairs, using your 200 watt boom box.

24. Come onto the bus with a beanie on, sit down and put your walkman headphone buds up your nose. When the person sitting beside you looks at you like you are from mars, say "Mishap during an operation, Doctors just aren't the same these days."

25. When sitting down in your seat, pull out a small collection of vomit bags, look through them and ask the person beside you "If I run, out do you have any paper or plastic bags? I'm not picky, either would be fine..."

 

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get in there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down a "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."