newzjunky's Blog

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mom or dad.

Every man has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

Old women with mobile phones look wrong!

Its impossible to look cool while picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

Old ladies can eat more than you think.

You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned electricity plug.

People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Spike" or "Rex". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

 When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend
so get yourself a dog."

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITES. BUT NOT CLOSE TO MY BEST!!!

 

Get up really early and sneak into your victims bathroom and fill their hair-dryer with baby powder. And when they turn it on, their head will be pure white just like an old person.

Before one of your family members takes a shower, remove the shower head and place a life-saver candy in it, replace the shower head with the candy now trapped in it. When the person takes a shower he or she will not notice, until they get out and start to dry off the towel will stick to them they will get back in the shower to rinse off... works like a charm.

Find a box about the size of a cake. Then cover it with frosting, making it look like a cake. Then put it out in the office kitchen, or wherever people leave free food. Sit back as one of your co-workers tries to cut a slice.

Take an empty coffee mix can and replace it with a can with coffee mix in it. Make sure coffee cans are the same brand, or it will not work. At the bottom of the can put a piece of paper that says April Fools. Make sure you help the person with making their coffee to see their reaction. 

This ones for all you pet owners! First, put a walky talky some wear near the area of where your pet is laying. Go into another room with the other walky talky. Then, when your brother/sister goes to pet your furry friend, say something like..."Hey Pal! Get your grimy hands off me!"

 They'll get a kick outta this one!!! Get a small alarm clock and set it for 3:00 a.m. Sneak under the victim's bed. Once it goes off, he/she won't be able to find it will drive them nuts

Switch the "Pull" and "Push" signs on a set of doors. Watch as people get confused trying to open the doors. (Don't do this on fire escapes)

You will need a funnel, a coin, a couple of friends and, of course, a victim! Start playing the 'funnel game' in front of your victim. A game of skill that involves putting the funnel down the front of your pants and balancing the coin on your nose with your head tilted back. Tip your head forward to let the coin drop into the funnel. When you have the victim begging to do this put the funnel in his pants and get him to put his head back so you can balance the coin on his nose. As this is happening pour a large drink into the funnel!

Stick a post-it note under your friend's mouse so that the paper leaf covers the mouse ball - the mouse will no longer work! Align so that the sticky part of the note doesn't touch the ball. Costs next to nothing to do, and doesn't cause any damage.

Grab a bottle of liquid soap and head toward the "victims" bedroom. Squirt some of the soap onto your hand and rub all over the doorknob of his/her room. Run away before he or she sees you in the process of doing this prank.

  Glue eggs to the carton and beg for eggs in the morning. When the victim gets them the eggs break! 

 When your victims asleep sneak into their room and draw eyebrows and a moustache on their face, make sure to be their when they look in the mirror.

Put some water in a cereal bowl, and place it in the freezer so that the water freezes. Offer to make your sister/brother cereal in the morning. Make sure you use that same bowl. Put their favorite cereal over the top of the ice, and serve. 

 Take a rubber band and slip it over the lever on the spray handle so that when someone turns the sink on, it will spray him or her in the face.

This is an easy way to pull a great prank Tell your kids that you just got the test scores from the proficiency tests and then go down stairs and say to your kids your going to go and make copies and then come running / walking and make your face look like you just saw a ghost and say to your kids that whatever your principals name is just spilled coffee on the proficiency tests and the will have to take it again.

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ' For the love of God! ' ' Go! Go! Go ! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked your cousin, who was with me, what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck right back. Your cousin burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma

Uh, Jim? Where the hell are you?  Jeep & I were talking, and got to worrying cause we ain't heard from you in a while..  Hit me back so that I know you are alright my friend. 

 

 

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were Living in the Stone Age.

D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans. It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division. Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans. Interesting number, what does it mean?

A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you Each get $516,528.

B. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C. Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
You better pray that will come out of the carpet.

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
Because I said so, that's why.

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
Shut your mouth and eat your supper.

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
Stop acting like your father!

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
Just wait until we get home.

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
You are going to get it when you get home!

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.

19. My mother taught me ESP.
Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?

20. My mother taught me HUMOR (so that I could write this blog. ummm yea).
When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
You're just like your father.

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer......

Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.

All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, New Mexico , and Oklahoma. All our dipsticks are in Washington

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? And if they aren't you really needed to take a bath.

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And if you have any, send them to us!

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends - if they're okay, then it's you!

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear and be misread especially all in lower case...

"Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their website is www.whorepresents.com

"Experts Exchange" is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than "Pen Island" at www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder" at www.therapistfinder.com

There's the "Italian Power Generator" company at www.powergenitalia.com

And don't forget the "Mole Station Native Nursery" in New South Wales www.molestationnursery.com

If you're looking for "IP computer software" there's always www.ipanywhere.com

And the designers at " Speed of Art" await you at their wacky website www.speedofart.com

A couple weeks ago, in Clearwater, Florida, Jean Merola, a 75-year-old grandmother of eight, got served and protected at the drive-thru of her neighborhood McDonald's by Officer Matthew Parco, who happened to be behind her in the line and who took it upon himself to do some policing of the McDonald's parking lot - without ever having been asked to by anybody at McDonald's, of course, and in fact hassling, escalating a confrontation with, and then finally handcuffing and arresting Jean Merola for parking her car exactly where the cashier at McDonald's had told her to park:
About 4 p.m. Thursday, Merola pulled her gray Lincoln Town Car up to the drive-through window of a Clearwater McDonald's minutes from her home. She ordered the coffee and medium fries, no salt. No salt on fries being a special request, the teller told Merola to pull forward to an area of striped asphalt where customers are typically asked to wait if their orders will take some minute.

Suddenly, Merola heard a car horn blasting behind her. In his cruiser sat Officer Matthew Parco, 30, a member of the force since December 2006. He kept honking and waving his arms, Merola said. She did nothing. Then he stepped out of his cruiser, walked up to Merola's driver side door and asked for her license and registration. Merola bristled. Not until you tell me what I've done wrong, she told him.

"He told me something about being parked in this particular place," Merola said Friday. "I told him this is where the people from McDonald's told me to park."
Little did she know that the McDonald's parking lot, just like everywhere else in the city, happens to be Officer Matthew Parco's proprietary domain, and if he tells her to move her car away from where the business occupying the lot told her to move it, she'd better ask "How fast," damnit. If she doesn't recognize her civic duty, it's probably because she's old and crazy:

In his report, Parco says he asked Merola to move the Town Car forward a foot to allow cars in line to go around. If he did, Merola said she doesn't remember it. And it was actually his cruiser blocking people, she said. But Merola said she was really offended when Parco called a supervisor to say he had a possibly demented woman on his hands who might need to be held under the state's Baker Act.

The Baker Act is a Florida state law which allows any government cop, more or less at his pleasure, to legally declare that you must be crazy and arrest you so that he can force you to undergo a psychiatric exam, possibly to be followed by "involuntary commitment" to a government-approved psychoprison hospital ward. This unchecked and almost completely discretionary power to ruin your life on a cop's whim is all For Your Own Good, of course.

"He was aggravating me by saying that," Merola said. "I said, "I don't have dementia, tell your supervisor."" By then, Merola had called Parco a brat, but the dementia comment stirred anger. Merola upped the ante and called him a "smart a-" and a "dumb s--."

She's never been easily pushed around, her daughter said Friday. "She's not a meek and mild little old lady," said Deborah Burge of Palm Harbor. "She's going to say, "Hey, what did I do wrong?""

Parco handcuffed Merola behind her back and put her in his cruiser. Another officer arrived and drove her to the Pinellas County Jail, where the widow of 10 years was booked for disorderly conduct. She had no previous criminal record.
The cops kept her handcuffed for an hour, to protect themselves from the obvious danger posed by a crying 75-year-old woman. For the terrible and dangerous crime of demanding to know what she did to deserve a cop getting in her face, for not flashing her papers on demand, and for offending against the grave dignity of a petulant, pushy, and insulting Officer Of The Law, Officer Matthew Parco had Jean Merola locked in a cage for the afternoon, and meanwhile impounded her car (which it cost her $160 to recover once she was free).

Trying to account for her own behavior, Merola said she was taught to respect the police because they are there to protect and help you. It's a message she said she had passed on to her three children. Despite the uniform, she suggested, Parco just didn't seem like the real thing. "I guess I felt he wasn't a police officer," Merola said. "He wasn't there to help me, he was there to be mean to me."

Jean Merola no doubt meant that in a metaphorical sense. But I think there's a very literal sense in which she is right. Professional police are, and ought to be regarded as, ordinary mortals, just like you and me. They are not a special or superior class, and they neither require special privileges nor deserve special immunities from what we normally expect from ordinary decent and honest people. If I got up in an old lady's face face, implicitly called her crazy, threatened to have her committed, and then responded to the insults that my unhinged behavior so clearly merited by pulling her out of her car, cuffing her behind her back, and locking her in a cage, you'd consider me an a$$hole, at least. If I did all that based on a complete mistake, in which I barged onto somebody else's property, ignorantly ordered around people in their parking lot, and then, when corrected about the owner's policy for use of the parking lot, insisted that I was entitled to tell them how they should run their own damn parking lot and to yell at or arrest anybody who didn't pay attention to my ideas about how it should be used, you would consider me not only an a$$hole, but a dangerous lunatic and a menace to public safety.

Respect and courtesy are for those who earn it, not for any two-bit punk who figured out how to put on a uniform and swing a night-stick. Those who are actually protecting identifiable innocent people from harm-and I mean in their actions, not in their mission statements-have every right to do what they are doing, and every right to use force to defend others against aggression. Those who think their dress-up games entitle them to shove around old ladies, tell McDonald's how to do their own job, and lock away anyone who dares question or insult them have no right to exercise force and no entitlement to be treated with anything other than the contempt that any violent bully deserves.

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital in Washington D.C. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

'Yes, Father?' said the nurse

'I would really like to see Bill and Hillary Clinton before I die,' whispered the priest.

'I'll see what I can do, Father' replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; the Clintons would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Bill, 'I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me elected President. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT.'

Bill agreed-- it was a very good thing for her campaign once they put out a press release about it.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the old priest took Bill's hand in his right hand and Hillary's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Bill Clinton spoke. 'Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?'

The old priest slowly replied, 'I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.'

'Amen' said Bill.

'Amen' said Hillary.

The old priest continued...'He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same.