Dec 3, 2008 | 2:47 PM
Category:
Entertainment
I went to lunch today at a local restaurant that also had a full bar. I was surprised at the ammount of people drinking at noon on a Friday....surprised and a little jealous.
There was this one very pretty woman at the bar that I had the pleasure of sitting near. She told me she was meeting a guy from the internet for their first date. When her date showed up I almost spit my tea when she quickly turned the topic of conversation to "their future". Are you kidding me? Let's be brutally honest for a minute: Some girls may have had their trousseau picked out since they were seven, but no man grows up longing to be married. Not one. Sure, they all assume at some point they'll bite the bullet, have a couple of kids and a nice house somewhere, but the thought hardly fills him with the excitement of, say, the Super Bowl. How many weddings have you been to where the groom gives a toast that says something to the effect of "Wow, I've waited my whole life for this moment"? In fact most weddings I have been to end with the garter tossed on the floor while all the men avoid catching it with every fiber of their being.
Desperate clingy women like this give all women a bad rep. A part of me felt like giving the poor girl my phone number so I could set up some "dating for the sane" training.......another part of me wants to set her up with some one I hate as punishment to them......
Nov 21, 2008 | 11:43 AM
Category:
Entertainment
For 9 years I have lived in the suburbs. I am sure I don't belong here. My first clue was about a month ago when I couldn't get my lawn mower to start. I pulled the string repeatedly but still nothing. So one of the men in my neighborhood came over and started it for me. Every week, the process was repeated with a different friendly male neighbor kindly starting the mower for me. Today there were no men around, so a little old lady across the street walked over and started it for me. Now I'm thinking I can't be that weak. I asked her how she started it and she pointed out the primer button…..now why did none of the men in the neighbor hood ever think to point that out? And who the hell thought of that stupid button anyway? Is there a primer button on a car? No!
The lawn mower incident is not my only clue. The fact that my gutters are not really meant to have plants growing out of them is one. I always forget to bring the garbage to the curb, and apparently I am supposed be obsessed with the exact color of green my lawn is.
I have done OK, I didn't freak too much when a rabid fox decided to live in my garage…. I took that well enough, but today while trimming the hedges I accidentally cut a snake to shreds……after washing the snake pieces out of my hair I have decided that I am not meant to live in the burbs. ….or I just need a really good lawn service.
Nov 12, 2008 | 12:12 PM
Category:
Entertainment
I'm single again after 6 years. So yes I have been dating. I like to call this current chapter of my life "A series of unfortunate events". I have to laugh because when you step back and look at it I have the worst luck. I have yet to meet that date that will have me plucking petals off daisies or running out to buy risqué lingerie.
First there was the guy that when he saw a bug on the patio bar that we were at shrieked like a girl and left me alone at the table with the bug. (In his defense I shrieked like a girl also)While I'm at it, let me thank my girlfriend Lee for diving across the table to rescue me from the bug. Never in the history of ever, has a man done so little to earn a goodnight kiss. But Lee the bug killing Goddess had more of a chance at getting a kiss goodnight after that then he did.
Next there was the date that insisted that deep down inside I really did like sushi though I told him many many times, NO I DON'T LIKE SUSHI. So I spent two hours at his favorite sushi restaurant listening to him beg me to try every type of sushi ever created. At last I put it in words that made him clearly understand my inner most feelings about sushi…..and him.
Then there was the "licker". He wasn't my perfect guy, not by a long shot. He talked too much about money, had a juvenile attachment to Ryan Reynolds films and stock car racing. But he was funny. And he remembered everything I ever said (You'd be surprised how flattering that can be) Our first date was pretty forgettable. (minus the part where he showed up late; that part I remember) The second date was going well until he tried to kiss me. Or rather until he tried to eat my face. If I had wanted my face licked I would have gotten a dog not a date. If a guy is a bad kisser there is no where to go from there. A 37 year old man with absolutely no game? Totally unexpected.
Then there was the vegetarian. He didn't laugh when I told him if God did not intend for us to eat cows he would not have made them out of hamburger. I could have made it through that date if he would not have taken my sweet and low away from me. That was the last straw. I try to live a somewhat healthy life, but I also firmly believe that life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride! SO LEAVE MY SWEET AND LOW ALONE!
There have been other dates, sadly all just as pathetic as these. I'm sure there will be more. In fact my doctor just slipped me his cell phone number. But at this rate no one is ever going to make it to the 10th date bonus…….well my doctor is halfway there but check ups don't count. (Do they?)
All in all, I think I like this dating thing. It's amusing to know that basically guys out there are more messed up then even me. Mr. Right may be wonderful, but so far Mr. Wrong is proving to be most amusing.
So fellow Myspacers, and friends.....feel free to advise or simply laugh at me.
