bigbadbob's Blog

T’was a month before Christmas and all through the house…  

We were off our computers… seems the cat ate the mouse… 

Mom’s stockings were hung in the bathroom with care… 

She was hoping they’d dry, while she finished her hair. 

The children were ‘roused from their snug little beds… 

While visions of school work polluted their heads… 

“Hey Mom, where’s my sneakers?”... “Hey Babe, where’s my tie?”... 

“Did’ya take out the garbage?”…”Who ate all the pie?

T’was three weeks before Christmas, and you’re shopping

 online…  

You ask what he wants, he says anything’s fine.. 

The kids were not subtle when they made out their lists… 

I-pods and play stations, was there something they missed?

As we schlepped down our stoop off to work and to school… 

Children wave to their parents then they try to look cool… 

Mom and Pop on the subway that is smelly and stinky,  

She hints to her hubby as she points to her pinky…

T’was two weeks before Christmas with the mobs and the crowds.. 

And the pushing and shoving and the music is loud.. 

Deck the halls, fa-la-la-ing being blared in your ear… 

You hope that St. Nicholas soon would be here! 

He’s off to the jeweler picking up on her hint, 

It must be a ring, that won’t make her squint… 

(“You kidding me Mister, you call that a stone?  

How much are you asking? HOW MUCH? 

For that little piece of…You’ll gift wrap it for me? 

For free? Okay I’ll take it!..

(Meanwhile, back at the poem….)

T’was a week before Christmas and out in the street...                  

There’s more pushing and shoving and stepping on feet…     The tree at Rock Center and Santas galore...                                 

The last minute shoppers getting stuck in the doors...  

The holiday parties, kissing up to the boss… 

You know that your bonus is a gain not a loss… 

‘Cause at last years party, he got a lap dance from Trixie, 

(His secretary…he gave her a raise ‘cause she gave him a raise…and I got one too because I got it all on my camera phone!)

T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house, 

Again we were stirring, with the cat and the mouse.. 

The stockings were hung by the LAZY-Boy chair, 

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.. 

The children were nestled all snug in their beds… 

While visions of Game Stations danced in their heads. 

Then out on the stoop there arose such a clatter,  

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter,

I went to the window and threw up the sash. … 

It was Bernie and Betty, and boy were they smashed!  

When out on the street what should appear,  

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.. 

With a little old driver who kept circling the block, 

St. Nick was upset….there was NO place to park! 

He got back in his sleigh and said, “My work here is done! 

I’ve got more places to go, so I gotta run!”

As he left he shouted, “I’ll see you next year!” 

My neighbor yelled, “We’re trying to sleep over here! 

“Now Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! 

On Comet! On Cupid! On, Donder! and Blitzen! 

To the top of the stoop! To the top of the wall!  

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!” 

Then I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, 

“HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!”

And Mrs. Murphy screamed, “Shut up already or I’m calling the cops!”

For the past few weeks, beginning with Halloween, people in the burbs felt compelled to celebrate all of the holidays with some really horrendous inflatable lawn displays. They’re nothing more than ugly balloons. They lay in big flat puddles of color, covering their lawns by day, then inflating and growing in the early evening, once people come home and plug them in, morphing them into humongous, larger than life, frightening, illuminated lawn displays.

It’s not enough to suffer through those examples of bad taste on Halloween, but today I actually saw a GIANT Thanksgiving Turkey in a bubble globe, with a blizzard going on inside the bubble that would’ve sent the original celebrants, namely the Pilgrims and Indians, into cardiac arrest. Give it a break, people! Halloween is over already. Why do you feel the need to advertise what you’re eating on Thanksgiving anyway? I’d be thankful if you just put some pumpkins and gourds on your stoop and put the turkey where it belongs….IN YOUR OVEN!

I’m not done yet! A few blocks down I saw someone setting up Christmas inflatables. Oh nooooooooo! Not those snowmen that blow back and forth on windy days along with Santa, his Elves, Rudolph, 19th century carolers with their high hats, scarves, bonnets and anything else dealing with Xmas. To me, garland, lit trees, wreaths, icicle lights, even those plastic Santas and snowmen spread the holiday cheer. Not those over-sized BALLOONS that actually frighten small children and senior citizens!  I’m sorry, they DON’T belong on your lawn....they belong in the Macy’s Parade!

    I remember the first time I went to Studio 8H at NBC.  I was visiting friends who were working on Saturday Night Live and hanging out in the video control room. The older techs who were there when WNBC TV started, were telling me how Your Show Of Shows, starring Sid Caesar, The Texaco Star Theater, with Milton Berle began there doing their comedy variety shows, that started the whole thing. They were recalling how Neil Simon, Carl Reiner, Larry Gelbart, Woody Allen, Dick Cavett and Mel Brooks, a few of Caesar’s comedy writers would sit around creating their schtick. 

   Every time I went there they would tell me more funny stories about them. I think that the  movie, 'Laughter On The Twenty Third Floor' was loosely based on their escapades.

   It got me to thinking about how CarL Reiner and Mel Brooks collaborated on “The Two Thousand Year Old Man.” Rumor has it that it started at a party and they decided to record it. Mel Brooks is one of my all time favorite funny people who when asked questions by Reiner would respond as the Two Thousand Year Old Man.

Q: Excuse me sir, how come you have no descendents? 

A: Because God said to go forward and multiply and we went backwards and subtracted!  

Q: On the origin of words, how did the word nose come into play?

A: What’re ya gonna blow, your eyes?  

   Brooks went on to write movies like Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, The History Of The World World Part I, High Anxiety and many more. He made a Movie Called the Producers not once, but twice, with two different and equally funny casts and they were both hits. The second also a hit on Broadway and now so is Young Frankinstein! But I was surprised to find out that a lot of people didn’t know that he also created “Get Smart” for TV. Now it’s a movie. I was interested in how many of you have any favorite Mel Brooks moments. Let’s see how many other Mel Brooks movies and sayings you can come up with! 

In the words of his Character Uncle Phil, on Mad About You.. 

Let’s have a “FIRM EMBRACE!” 

BBB

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

"Good Day New York!"

Thanks for a fabulous 20 years!

                       BBB

Brad Pitt taped his first interview with Oprah and although he didn’t jump on the couch like Tom Cruise did….. the way she kept looking at him, he was getting nervous that… 

Oprah might jump on him!

The beautiful Beyonce Knowles let it be known that she would like to be a superhero. She wants to be the next Wonder Woman! As fine as she is…. 

We’d ALL be jumping on her!  

Former Beatle ‘Sir Paul McCartney will lend his voice alongside Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz and Antonio Banderas in the next Shrek movie.All I have to say about that is

“LET IT BE-LET IT BE!”

BTW, while we’re at it, let’s jump on them too!  

Charlie Sheen is ticked off at magazine report that his latest marriage is in trouble claiming that he was involved in a lap dancing situation at a Las Vegas strip club. He denied the allegations… although admitting…

That there was that time his costar on Two And A Half men, Conchata Farrell….Um….Never mind…It was a little too traumatic and not very pretty! 

Madonna is such a hardcore fitness nut, that apparently she purchased a £6 million house 20 yards from her main London home and converted it into a  three story fitness center. She intends to eventually combine the two homes so she doesn't have to leave her house to work out.

Who's she kidding, we all know that she’s using the place to develop her own bullpen! 

Meanwhile back in the States, neighbors in her swanky Central Park West building have been complaining about noise from her new music studio, which she carved out of a seventh-floor apartment. 

Hey, I don’t even live there and I’m always complaining about her music.  BTW Let’s NOT jump on her, she’s got enough people doing that already!

WHERE’S SUPERMAN?!?!?!

   I grew up with comic book heroes. Spiderman, Batman, The Hulk etc. and I still secretly like watching them. I’ve seen all of the Spidey & Hulk movies, Batman and Superman flicks. Some are better than others, but they all take me back to my childhood, which come to think of it, I never left!!!! Oh yeah, I also caught them on the telly! Lois and Clark was tolerable. Let’s face it.... Teri was a HOT Lois. I never understood why she got top billing. I guess it never bothered him. After all he was THE MAN OF STEEL!

   So now fast forward to ‘SMALLVILLE.’ Who came up with that idea? In the comics Clark grew up in Smallville and while there became ‘SUPERBOY!’ In some comics there was even a ‘SUPERBABY.’  But on SMALLVILLE there is absolutely NO SUPERMAN!  Where or even better, WHY are you hiding him?  Not only did you not get the memo, but you apparently DID NOT do the research!  Now he’s working at The Daily Planet as a copy boy? What happened to 'Mild, mannered reporter?'  Hmm? And yet, there's still NO SUPERMAN! Not to mention where’s crotchity old PERRY WHITE?

  Why does Clark always seem to get beaten up. He never bled before you guys got a hold of him. And where are ya getting all of the KRYPTONITE?!?! Let us not forget about Clark’s signature eye glasses. You know those magic specks that masked the fact that behind them was the MAN OF STEEL! Okay, I never got that one either, but I did learn to accept  it.    What are you guys smokin’? I can Barely accept the fact that, other than one movie, Batman’s flying solo without the Boy Wonder. Why? Makes me wonder! Grown man in tights and a cape, with a young ward also in tights and cape….gotta admit looks a wee bit weird. But forget about them and try to fix the Superman thing will ya.  And do me a favor, keep you hands off of The Lone Ranger & Tonto. I don’t need you spreading rumors that the two of them were charter members of ‘THE VILLAGE  PEOPLE’ or revealing the fact that ‘KIMOSABE’ means Gay Raccoon. That’s simply NOT TRUE!

   Oh yeah and especially stay away from my all time favorite hero, salami, prosciutto, provolone, cappicola, with roasted peppers and creamy Italian dressing on Italian bread!

Maureen McCormick who played Marcia Brady on The Brady Bunch, has a new tell-all book about the show. According to her, it seems that there was a lot more going on then met the eye. She and Barry Williams, who played her step brother Greg on the show allegedly kissed and groped each other in one of their scenes. 

I’m guessing that’s where the term. ’MARCIA!’ ‘MARCIA!’ ‘MARCIA!’ originated! 

Rumor has it that Madonna and Guy Ritchie may be splitting up!

Not to worry though….I think she has ‘A-ROD’ warming up in the bullpen!

Esquire named Halle Berry sexiest woman alive!’ So this is news? 

DUH!!! 

So a puffed-up Ringo Starr blows off his fans?? He will no longer sign autographs on photos and other objects! He stated that he can't be bothered...he has too much to do?!?!

First of all…."HE HAS FANS?" Secondly, maybe now he’ll find some time for drum lessons?!?! 

This just in.  So far, Jamie Lynne Spears is not….

 PREGNANT!!!

 This is my 100th blog. When I first started, I didn’t really know what a blog was…To some degree, I still don’t. All I know is I like blogging and MOST of the people who blog with me. 99.9% anyway. It’s that one tenth of a percent that bothers me. For the most part we’re all anonymous. Some hide behind alter egos. I think that’s cool. What ever floats your boat, as long as you’re not being destructive.

    I’m NOT hiding who I am, I’m sharing who I am. It’s my choice. I earn my living writing humor, playing  the drums doing my art. I have a creative lifestyle. When I blog here I sometimes go into my own archives and share some of my published humor columns with you. I just enjoy making people laugh and feel good. It’s insane isn’t it? I spend my days writing jokes and comedy routines for professional comedians, writing roasts comedy sketches and humor columns to pay my bills. And when I take a break from that, I do it for free here!

   I’ve spent my life in a business where I know and deal with celebrities on a daily basis, so I take it for granted. When the Fox on-air talent shares who they are with us, there are some who think that they now know them personally. You don’t! Maybe someday you will, but that will be their choice.  They have become our friends though and should be treated with respect!!!!

   I feel that we’re ALL friends here and would hope we stay friends. But RUDE lascivious remarks DO NOT BELONG HERE!

   If we are friends…PLEASE don’t tell my agents that I DON’T get paid here…

Shhhhh…It’s our little secret!

   You guys are the BEST!

BOB!

   A few years ago I received an invitation to attend a combination Neighborhood/High School reunion.  At first I didn't want to go, but my wife Susan, thought it would be a great way for her to put faces with the names that came up, when I told her stories from my past.  She said she'd give anything if she could attend her own reunion.  She attended Van Nuys High School in California.  I told her "that's like a three thousand mile schlepp, for one night of memories.  Plus if you Want to know what they look like, all you have to do is go to a movie, or turn on the TV, most of them  are acting in movies, on TV or doing commercials!"  

   So reluctantly I agree and we go.  As we enter the VFW hall, we walk into a sea of comb-overs, dentures and face lifts! At the door I'm greeted by an older gentleman who resembles my friend Freddy.  He extends his hand and says "Hello, and thanks for coming." I shake his hand and say "Hi I'm Bob. I'm  friend of your younger brother Freddy!"  He says "I AM FREDDY!"     There's an embarassing pause, then a smile comes to his face..."Always the kidder, hey Bobby?"  Then he brings me over to meet his wife Gloria?  He always hated Gloria.  Everyone always hated Gloria.  If you were to look up the words obnoxious, snotty, catty, self-centered, ego maniacal, self absorbed, part of the definitions would include a photograph of Gloria!  True to form, she had enough plastic surgery to fill a recycling dumpster. Her widows peek was now on the top of her head and she walked around with her face in a constant state of surprise! 

   I didn't recognize the school bully, Carlo.  He went from being Mr. Football, Mr. Baseball, Mr. Tough Guy, to being Mr.  FATSO! He was so big, he had Richter scale sensors sewn into his shorts.  If he ever had an out-or-body experience, he'd fall on himself.  In fact if he did fall, they'd have to call "Triple A" to stand him upright!  He must've eaten all of those lunches he stole from us all by himself!

    It's Saturday morning, about a week later, and we're discussing over breakfast, that all in all it was good to see how everyone turned out and that most of them were happy.  My wife is telling me how I was the youngest looking one there, when the door bell rings.  I say, "honey, could you please get that?" She says, "I don't believe this, I'm not wearing any makeup, I'm wearing a tank-top and cut-offs, and I have my hair in a pony tail."  I said, "please honey, my leg fell asleep and my feet hurt."  She gets up and says "Oh alright."  She opens the door and standing there is our Italian gardener.  He says "Hello little girl, is-a you Papa home??!"

            There was a time when the sound of wolves howling and coyotes baying would conjure up images of western movies.  Your mind would paint a picture of cowboys sitting around a campfire during a roundup, or sleeping in their bedrolls with their saddles as their pillows.  You know one of those "MACHO-MEMORY-MOMENTS!"  Or the screaming, whining, screeching of cats at night, doing what ever it is that cats do to make those blood curdling noises along with the distant sound of a train whistle that are reminders of those past memories of the summers I spent at Grandma's house.  I no longer find these sounds pleasing to the ear.  Why not, you ask?  Oh I don't know, maybe it's because those are just some of the sounds being supplied by those annoying, obnoxious, grinding "CAR ALARMS!!"

            At first they seemed like a viable, effective way to deter crime.  Someone would attempt to break into a car, a siren alarm or a honking horn would go off and the perpetrator (The Poip, as they say in New York) would be scared off, that's it, end of story. But the manufacturers weren't satisfied, so they set out to build a better mouse trap.  The new ones are so STATE-OF-THE-ART, sound and touch sensitive, that a puppy sneezing a mile away or a gnat landing on the hood can set it off.  This usually can result in a domino effect causing other car-alarms to join in the chorus of MIND-ALTERING sounds!  My biggest nightmare would be if a car alarm went off in Tampa, it would trigger a chain reaction that wouldn't stop until it reached Seattle.  Sorta like a "HORNS ACROSS AMERICA!"

            My least favorite alarm system is the one that offers a potpourri of a dozen different sounds simultaneously.  With the hooting, and the whirring and the beeping and the bopping and the honking and on and on.  These sounds have such a nerve racking effect on me that I could whip a bowl of egg whites into a meringue with just my pinky!

            The sad thing is that none of these alarms are effective anymore.  Name one person you can think of who calls 911 when they hear an alarm.  You can't, right?  If anything car alarms have created more crime.  Now we even have people who aren't thieves breaking into cars, just so they can shut off those stupid alarms!  

            A few years back, a musician colleague who fancied himself an electronics genius, decided that he would BURGLAR-PROOF his car by wiring the door handles of his Mustang so that anyone trying to enter his "ride" would be met by a few jolts of electricity.   Nothing fatal, just enough to knock someone on their keester.  So he did.  The problem was that he forgot to inform his wife, so when she came through the door all disheveled, with her hair smoking and looking like a combination of Kramer and Carrot Top, she wasn't laughing.  This normally beautiful woman looked like a CRASH DUMMY in a static-cling commercial!

            So what's the solution?  I personally feel that it should be mandatory that every vehicle should be equipped with infra-red indelible dye and a homing device.  This way when a vehicle is stolen, instead of high-speed chases, they could be recovered electronically and the thief could be identified with a black-light.  If the recovered vehicle is damaged or stripped, the perp, upon his conviction, should take over the payments on the car, and be harassed by the bank for the rest of his life for missed payments!

            If the car is returned unharmed, the judge should build into their sentence, milage and rental fees, and they should still be harassed by the bank.  Besides jail time, they should also be locked in a special wing of the prison, where a medley of alarms would be played over the PA system, interspersed with elevator music.

                              THAT'LL LEARN 'EM!!

1)     “VEAL OR NO VEAL!”…Richard Simmons!

2)     ”THE X-RATED FILES!” David Duchovny’!

3)      “ALL IN THE FAMILY WAY!””…Jaime Lynne Spears/ C  Palin!  

4)     “JUDGE JUDY TENUTA!”  What? It could happen!!

5)      “ARE YOU DUMBER THEN A FIRST GRADER?”

       Take your pick of politicians!!”  

6)      “NYPD BLUE MAN GROUP!”  Crimes solved by slimey, blue jugglers who drum!”  

7)      “ VAN PEEBPLES COURT!”  Starring the Father & Son team of Melvin & mario!!!!!  

8)      “SKIN!”  A spin-off from BONES!  

9)      “LAW & ORDER A SANDWICH!”  Rachael Ray!  

10)   "CSI GUAM!”  David Hasselhoff & Erik Estrada!

    Many years ago There was an unwritten law somewhere that supposedly defined the male and female roles, ie:  Men are to build the lodging, hunt for food, do all of the heavy manual labor (please note the word MAN in manual), transport the family from one place to another, etc.    Women are to have the children and rear them, do the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.  Did I mention that these are archaic, unwritten laws?  

   Let me see if I have this straight...I was to build the house?  I had everything to do to build a relationship.  Get real, me hunt for food??  Sure drop me off at the local Seven-Eleven and I'll eventually find out where they keep the TWINKIES!  I had no problem with the manual labor thing, or driving people around. I can do that. That's easy!   As a musician, I spent years on the road driving the band around. As far as all that female stuff, I can do all of that, too, with the exception of having the baby!  I was merely the baker who put the bun in the oven, she did all the rest.  Well, I did attend the Lamaze classes, which I am firmly convinced was a plot dreamed up by prenatal females to have you in the labor room during birth so that they can legally call you every foul, disgusting, name in the book, and curse at you and all men dating back to Adam and not be sued for defamation of character or libel in a court of law!

            Something tells me that this unwritten law hasn't applied for years.  In fact, something else hasn't applied for years, either; Dad being the main breadwinner and Mom staying at home to take care of things.  There was a time when if you needed some extra money for a new washing machine, Dad would get a second job, or Mom might find some part time work.  But today, in most areas, both Mom and Dad have to work full time just to make ends meet.  That was a no brainer for us, I was already running my business out of the house and she worked in the city as a corporate accountant! So fellas, with the exception of the baby thing, the old laws should be shredded and thrown into the compost heap!  We should ALL share ALL other responsibilities.  There's nothing wrong with men doing laundry, cooking, washing floors...heck if they make you do it in the Marines, who are we to complain, are we a country of male wusies?  (I had to say all this stuff guys.  The wife reads all of my blogs! You know, an ounce of prevention, I don't need the mental anguish.  At the very least it would make me anal retentive!) 

   The truth is that I did all that stuff when I was a bachelor.  After I realized that it was cheaper to clean my apartment every week myself, then to hire a BOB-CAT every other month.  The cooking thing was a great way to meet chicks and get them over to my place.  In the beginning, their faces would distort and turn unnatural colors.  Then there was that time I had to perform the heimlich maneuver to dislodge some really hard jello from a purple lady.  It took a couple of years, but I got the hang of it and my cooking improved, and they began returning for second dates without any after effects!  

   The laundry room was another great place to fraternize with the opposite sex, plus I could con them into washing my stuff!  That was until I met this gorgeous blonde, who before long convinced me that no one in the world did laundry better than I did and now I was doing hers, too!  I still am, because we got married!

      When our daughter was born, I decided that I was going to share taking care of the baby with the Queen of the household, despite all the things she called me in the labor room.  My wife gave me a hug, and said, "Good! You can start by changing the baby!!"  Me and my BIG MOUTH!

1-    If you’re trying to get alternate side of the street parking into the Olympics as a sporting event! 

2-    If your High School publishes a list of survivors!  

3-    If you don’t automatically think of somebody wearing a facemask as a Super hero!

4-    If you bowl overhand! 

5-    If you “BOB” for sushi in a Koi pond!  

6-    If your neighbor’s family photos are front and side shots! 

7-    If you’ve ever become intimate with someone on CONGA LINE! 

8-    If you use explosives and automatic weapons to go fishing! 

9-    If you can jump into a cab while it’s still moving! 

10-     If you use a blow torch for snow removal!

              FYI....With ALL this said....

     I'M PROUD TO BE A NEW YORKER!!           

         I LOVE

     NEW YORK!

     BIG Bad Bob!

            When I was growing up, I was taught to be a member of the "CLEAN PLATE CLUB!"  You should eat everything on your plate and don't waste food.

            Then I was told that if I didn't finish everything on my plate, somebody on the other side of the world, who I didn't even know, would starve.  Hey, I wasn't the one troweling the stuff on my plate!  I was always hidden behind such huge mounds of food, how did they know I was even at the table?  "You don't leave this table, Mister, until you finish everything on your plate!"  The way WE ate, I was amazed that anyone left the table without the assistance of a tow truck, or at the very least a forklift!  The least used utensil in that household?  The GARBAGE DISPOSAL!

            Eventually I grew up and got out of the house, while I could still fit through the door.  I still wake up sweating in the middle of the night with "FOOD FLASH-BACKS!"  Being forced to eat liver and kale and beets and tongue.  YUK-YUK-YUK and YUK!  I someday expect to see The Paiva Family's "SECRET RECIPES", the lost episodes, on The "DISCOVERY CHANNEL!"        Something good did come out of all this, I never had to worry about having nothing to do.  I spent ALL of my idle time reading up on and trying out the latest weight-loss and exercise plans.  So far all I've lost is my money, my mind and the will to live!

      I did learn however, that you can eat most foods, as long as it's done in moderation.  There is some food that is healthier than most, only you're not supposed to eat it all in one sitting!  Exercise is not only good for the ticker, but it is necessary for a healthy metabolism.  It burns off calories.  I still have members of my family who have to supplement this last part with the help of a blow torch!  Which in my family's case is hazardous and could cause grease fires!

            I have this one recurring nightmare that I'm being forced to go back in time and relive the past, only this time my family owns and operates a farm!  And to my horror It's only purpose is to feed us. 

    The dinner bell is replaced with a STARTER PISTOL!  We make weekly visits to the dentist to have our teeth sharpened.  Our family goes to our favorite resort, PEPPERIDGE FARM, stopping at every Fast-Food Restaurant along the way, in the family owned catering truck, because the food in these places isn't fast enough.  On the way home, we stop off and adopt Betty Crocker and Sara Lee.  Why not?  We list them as dependents anyway.  We also bail out Uncle Carl and his son Chester.  They were picked up by the police for stalking the Emril Lugasi!  Pizza parlors and Ice cream trucks see my family coming and say, "Here comes the mortgage payment!", then call for back-up!