bigbadbob's Blog

T’was a month before Christmas and all through the house…  

We were off our computers… seems the cat ate the mouse… 

Mom’s stockings were hung in the bathroom with care… 

She was hoping they’d dry, while she finished her hair. 

The children were ‘roused from their snug little beds… 

While visions of school work polluted their heads… 

“Hey Mom, where’s my sneakers?”... “Hey Babe, where’s my tie?”... 

“Did’ya take out the garbage?”…”Who ate all the pie?

T’was three weeks before Christmas, and you’re shopping

 online…  

You ask what he wants, he says anything’s fine.. 

The kids were not subtle when they made out their lists… 

I-pods and play stations, was there something they missed?

As we schlepped down our stoop off to work and to school… 

Children wave to their parents then they try to look cool… 

Mom and Pop on the subway that is smelly and stinky,  

She hints to her hubby as she points to her pinky…

T’was two weeks before Christmas with the mobs and the crowds.. 

And the pushing and shoving and the music is loud.. 

Deck the halls, fa-la-la-ing being blared in your ear… 

You hope that St. Nicholas soon would be here! 

He’s off to the jeweler picking up on her hint, 

It must be a ring, that won’t make her squint… 

(“You kidding me Mister, you call that a stone?  

How much are you asking? HOW MUCH? 

For that little piece of…You’ll gift wrap it for me? 

For free? Okay I’ll take it!..

(Meanwhile, back at the poem….)

T’was a week before Christmas and out in the street...                  

There’s more pushing and shoving and stepping on feet…     The tree at Rock Center and Santas galore...                                 

The last minute shoppers getting stuck in the doors...  

The holiday parties, kissing up to the boss… 

You know that your bonus is a gain not a loss… 

‘Cause at last years party, he got a lap dance from Trixie, 

(His secretary…he gave her a raise ‘cause she gave him a raise…and I got one too because I got it all on my camera phone!)

T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house, 

Again we were stirring, with the cat and the mouse.. 

The stockings were hung by the LAZY-Boy chair, 

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.. 

The children were nestled all snug in their beds… 

While visions of Game Stations danced in their heads. 

Then out on the stoop there arose such a clatter,  

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter,

I went to the window and threw up the sash. … 

It was Bernie and Betty, and boy were they smashed!  

When out on the street what should appear,  

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.. 

With a little old driver who kept circling the block, 

St. Nick was upset….there was NO place to park! 

He got back in his sleigh and said, “My work here is done! 

I’ve got more places to go, so I gotta run!”

As he left he shouted, “I’ll see you next year!” 

My neighbor yelled, “We’re trying to sleep over here! 

“Now Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! 

On Comet! On Cupid! On, Donder! and Blitzen! 

To the top of the stoop! To the top of the wall!  

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!” 

Then I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, 

“HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!”

And Mrs. Murphy screamed, “Shut up already or I’m calling the cops!”

Once again we all look forward to the Christmas trees at Rockefeller Center and RexCorp Citibank Plaza in Uniondale.  It kicks off the holiday season.  And once again….there’s more. 

As I stated last year, the most fabulous trees of all are “DEE’S TREES”!!  For those out there who don’t know what  “DEE’S TREES” are, let me elaborate.  They are Christmas trees from “DEE’S NURSERY” of Oceanside, Long Island.  What makes them so special is that this will be the fifth year that Dee’s Nursery will be sending more than 400 Christmas trees to our troops in Iraq!  To me, this is the true spirit of CHRISTMAS!  As I mentioned in the past, they are not alone in this endeavor.  It all starts when many local citizens and businesses donate a lot of money to get this thing rolling, as well as Dee’s many suppliers.  Their combined efforts make it possible to bring the holiday spirit to the brave men and women, sons, daughters, mothers,  fathers who put their lives on the line on a daily basis to protect us and our freedom. If we can’t bring them home for the holidays, Dee’s brings the holidays to them.   It all started when  Dee’s, with the help of long time customer, Jim Adelis, were able to put it all together.  He was the key person in making all the arrangements with getting DHL and the Police Departments involved.   DHL donates the freight and The New York City and Nassau County Police Departments all chip in to help.  The Port Authority Police provide an escort for the convoy from Dee’s in Oceanside to JFK.  There, the trees are loaded on to transport planes and flown to Iraq.

Once again you can catch it on Fox5’s Good Day New York! The date is Dec. 8th 2008    The entire family at Dee’s works hard 12 months out of the year and yet they found the time to make this all happen.  My family and I are PROUD to call them our friends and neighbors.    YES VIRGINIA, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS…and his spirit is alive and well at “DEE’S NURSERY”!!!!

IN ADDITION... 

I received this information from fellow MyFoxphilly blogger gunpowderNlead.  I thank her and think it should be included in this blog!   When doing your Christmas cards this year, take at least one card and send it to the address below.  If we pass this on and everyone sends one card, think of how many cards these special heroes, who have sacrificed so much, would get.

When  you are making out your Christmas card list this year, please include the  following: Holiday cards should be mailed to:

For the past few weeks, beginning with Halloween, people in the burbs felt compelled to celebrate all of the holidays with some really horrendous inflatable lawn displays. They’re nothing more than ugly balloons. They lay in big flat puddles of color, covering their lawns by day, then inflating and growing in the early evening, once people come home and plug them in, morphing them into humongous, larger than life, frightening, illuminated lawn displays.

It’s not enough to suffer through those examples of bad taste on Halloween, but today I actually saw a GIANT Thanksgiving Turkey in a bubble globe, with a blizzard going on inside the bubble that would’ve sent the original celebrants, namely the Pilgrims and Indians, into cardiac arrest. Give it a break, people! Halloween is over already. Why do you feel the need to advertise what you’re eating on Thanksgiving anyway? I’d be thankful if you just put some pumpkins and gourds on your stoop and put the turkey where it belongs….IN YOUR OVEN!

I’m not done yet! A few blocks down I saw someone setting up Christmas inflatables. Oh nooooooooo! Not those snowmen that blow back and forth on windy days along with Santa, his Elves, Rudolph, 19th century carolers with their high hats, scarves, bonnets and anything else dealing with Xmas. To me, garland, lit trees, wreaths, icicle lights, even those plastic Santas and snowmen spread the holiday cheer. Not those over-sized BALLOONS that actually frighten small children and senior citizens!  I’m sorry, they DON’T belong on your lawn....they belong in the Macy’s Parade!

    I remember the first time I went to Studio 8H at NBC.  I was visiting friends who were working on Saturday Night Live and hanging out in the video control room. The older techs who were there when WNBC TV started, were telling me how Your Show Of Shows, starring Sid Caesar, The Texaco Star Theater, with Milton Berle began there doing their comedy variety shows, that started the whole thing. They were recalling how Neil Simon, Carl Reiner, Larry Gelbart, Woody Allen, Dick Cavett and Mel Brooks, a few of Caesar’s comedy writers would sit around creating their schtick. 

   Every time I went there they would tell me more funny stories about them. I think that the  movie, 'Laughter On The Twenty Third Floor' was loosely based on their escapades.

   It got me to thinking about how CarL Reiner and Mel Brooks collaborated on “The Two Thousand Year Old Man.” Rumor has it that it started at a party and they decided to record it. Mel Brooks is one of my all time favorite funny people who when asked questions by Reiner would respond as the Two Thousand Year Old Man.

Q: Excuse me sir, how come you have no descendents? 

A: Because God said to go forward and multiply and we went backwards and subtracted!  

Q: On the origin of words, how did the word nose come into play?

A: What’re ya gonna blow, your eyes?  

   Brooks went on to write movies like Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, The History Of The World World Part I, High Anxiety and many more. He made a Movie Called the Producers not once, but twice, with two different and equally funny casts and they were both hits. The second also a hit on Broadway and now so is Young Frankinstein! But I was surprised to find out that a lot of people didn’t know that he also created “Get Smart” for TV. Now it’s a movie. I was interested in how many of you have any favorite Mel Brooks moments. Let’s see how many other Mel Brooks movies and sayings you can come up with! 

In the words of his Character Uncle Phil, on Mad About You.. 

Let’s have a “FIRM EMBRACE!” 

BBB

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

"Good Day New York!"

Thanks for a fabulous 20 years!

                       BBB

I'm going to start my blog by getting my annual Thanksgiving jokes out of the way. You've read them before, so bear with me.

1- We're not having a turkey this year. We had one last year and the darn thing ate more than we did! 

2- It's time for my family to go to the dentist and have their teeth sharpened in preparation for Thanksgiving dinner! Ba-doom-boom boom!

Okay now that that's out of the way, on the serious side, it's that time of year for us to reflect and give thanks for making it through another year. Give thanks for our good health, our family & friends.

Also to take the time to say a prayer for all of those who are losing everything they've worked for through no fault of their own.

And let's not forget to say some major prayers for our troops and their safe return. They really deserve our THANKS and GRATITUDE for putting their lives on the line to protect us and keep us safe.

Thanks to ALL of you!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Brad Pitt taped his first interview with Oprah and although he didn’t jump on the couch like Tom Cruise did….. the way she kept looking at him, he was getting nervous that… 

Oprah might jump on him!

The beautiful Beyonce Knowles let it be known that she would like to be a superhero. She wants to be the next Wonder Woman! As fine as she is…. 

We’d ALL be jumping on her!  

Former Beatle ‘Sir Paul McCartney will lend his voice alongside Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz and Antonio Banderas in the next Shrek movie.All I have to say about that is

“LET IT BE-LET IT BE!”

BTW, while we’re at it, let’s jump on them too!  

Charlie Sheen is ticked off at magazine report that his latest marriage is in trouble claiming that he was involved in a lap dancing situation at a Las Vegas strip club. He denied the allegations… although admitting…

That there was that time his costar on Two And A Half men, Conchata Farrell….Um….Never mind…It was a little too traumatic and not very pretty! 

Madonna is such a hardcore fitness nut, that apparently she purchased a £6 million house 20 yards from her main London home and converted it into a  three story fitness center. She intends to eventually combine the two homes so she doesn't have to leave her house to work out.

Who's she kidding, we all know that she’s using the place to develop her own bullpen! 

Meanwhile back in the States, neighbors in her swanky Central Park West building have been complaining about noise from her new music studio, which she carved out of a seventh-floor apartment. 

Hey, I don’t even live there and I’m always complaining about her music.  BTW Let’s NOT jump on her, she’s got enough people doing that already!

Hello again from Pollywood! Let’s start off with Obama’s great acceptance speech!

McCain's equally great concession speech! 

                       KUDO’S to both!  

Now let’s get down to brass tax. Enough of the political verbal faltulence which is destroying our O-zone. (That's the cattle's job!)

Enough of 'UN-REALITY TV', for the next four years anyway, and let’s get back to the slightly less stinky Reality shows!

With the elections over..’What to do? What to do?!?! 

With Bush out of a job, I think he should be offered a professorship at...

Clown College! 

Fred Thompson left Law & Order to campaign for the Presidential nomination leaving an opening on the show for the part of D.A.!Here’s an idea…                                                  
                 How about John McCain?

Now that Sarah Palin is out of the national spotlight, maybe she can make some side money moonlighting as a…                   

!- Tina Fey look-a-like!

2-Starring in the road company of ‘Annie Get Your Gun! 

3-A TV remake of ‘Have Gun Will Travel!’ 

4-‘Mrs. Matt Dillon on the NEW Gunsmoke!

If we’re not careful, we may have Leno & Letterman running against each other in the next presidential election!

Oh noooooooo!

 Can I get a rim-shot?!?!?!

Well it seems that John McCain is a man of his word who honors his commitments. This past week he did turn up on    "The David Letterman Show!" Okay, okay, maybe it’s just me….but this’ll make him a better candidate because?? I’m guessing that McCain went on the Late Show to take the focus off what’s becoming…"The Sarah Palin Chronicles!" She appears on SNL, and they get their highest ratings! Not to mention, she did better than McCain! What are they going to label this...."Unreality TV?”  

With not much time left and with our economy in shambles, I’m hoping that they don’t pick our next Secretary of The Treasurey by making them contestants on ‘JEOPARDY!’ AND PICKING THE WINNER! 

So come on Barack, why don’t you jump on the silly train with the rest of them? Ya know what? Screw the election, why don’t the candidates just settle this on ‘The Family Feud?’Or maybe a Fooze Ball tournament?  Rock, Paper, Scissors? 

Politicians & Hollywood = POLLY-WOOD!

"STILL" not a good mix!

BIG ‘Scared’ Bob

WHERE’S SUPERMAN?!?!?!

   I grew up with comic book heroes. Spiderman, Batman, The Hulk etc. and I still secretly like watching them. I’ve seen all of the Spidey & Hulk movies, Batman and Superman flicks. Some are better than others, but they all take me back to my childhood, which come to think of it, I never left!!!! Oh yeah, I also caught them on the telly! Lois and Clark was tolerable. Let’s face it.... Teri was a HOT Lois. I never understood why she got top billing. I guess it never bothered him. After all he was THE MAN OF STEEL!

   So now fast forward to ‘SMALLVILLE.’ Who came up with that idea? In the comics Clark grew up in Smallville and while there became ‘SUPERBOY!’ In some comics there was even a ‘SUPERBABY.’  But on SMALLVILLE there is absolutely NO SUPERMAN!  Where or even better, WHY are you hiding him?  Not only did you not get the memo, but you apparently DID NOT do the research!  Now he’s working at The Daily Planet as a copy boy? What happened to 'Mild, mannered reporter?'  Hmm? And yet, there's still NO SUPERMAN! Not to mention where’s crotchity old PERRY WHITE?

  Why does Clark always seem to get beaten up. He never bled before you guys got a hold of him. And where are ya getting all of the KRYPTONITE?!?! Let us not forget about Clark’s signature eye glasses. You know those magic specks that masked the fact that behind them was the MAN OF STEEL! Okay, I never got that one either, but I did learn to accept  it.    What are you guys smokin’? I can Barely accept the fact that, other than one movie, Batman’s flying solo without the Boy Wonder. Why? Makes me wonder! Grown man in tights and a cape, with a young ward also in tights and cape….gotta admit looks a wee bit weird. But forget about them and try to fix the Superman thing will ya.  And do me a favor, keep you hands off of The Lone Ranger & Tonto. I don’t need you spreading rumors that the two of them were charter members of ‘THE VILLAGE  PEOPLE’ or revealing the fact that ‘KIMOSABE’ means Gay Raccoon. That’s simply NOT TRUE!

   Oh yeah and especially stay away from my all time favorite hero, salami, prosciutto, provolone, cappicola, with roasted peppers and creamy Italian dressing on Italian bread!

Maureen McCormick who played Marcia Brady on The Brady Bunch, has a new tell-all book about the show. According to her, it seems that there was a lot more going on then met the eye. She and Barry Williams, who played her step brother Greg on the show allegedly kissed and groped each other in one of their scenes. 

I’m guessing that’s where the term. ’MARCIA!’ ‘MARCIA!’ ‘MARCIA!’ originated! 

Rumor has it that Madonna and Guy Ritchie may be splitting up!

Not to worry though….I think she has ‘A-ROD’ warming up in the bullpen!

Esquire named Halle Berry sexiest woman alive!’ So this is news? 

DUH!!! 

So a puffed-up Ringo Starr blows off his fans?? He will no longer sign autographs on photos and other objects! He stated that he can't be bothered...he has too much to do?!?!

First of all…."HE HAS FANS?" Secondly, maybe now he’ll find some time for drum lessons?!?! 

This just in.  So far, Jamie Lynne Spears is not….

 PREGNANT!!!

I think that we ALL agree that the state of our COUNTRY…NO the entire WORLD is in deep trouble. So what I’d like to know is if we’re looking toward the next election to turn things around, what are our candidates doing on Leno and Letterman’s shows?

McCain cancels an appearance and David Letterman reprimands him? This is a man who wants to be the next President and he’s intimidated by David Letterman? God only knows what’ll happen if he ever gets a call from Vladamir Putin!

What’s next, Dancing With The Deligates?

I  wouldn't be surprised if in addition to mud slinging, they’ll be mud wrestling with Sarah, and  holding the debates at The IMROV.!

Before you know it campaign posters and fliers, will be replaced by 8X10 glossies and Bio’s!

Politicians & Hollywood = POLLY-WOOD! Not a good mix!

BIG ‘Scared’ Bob

 This is my 100th blog. When I first started, I didn’t really know what a blog was…To some degree, I still don’t. All I know is I like blogging and MOST of the people who blog with me. 99.9% anyway. It’s that one tenth of a percent that bothers me. For the most part we’re all anonymous. Some hide behind alter egos. I think that’s cool. What ever floats your boat, as long as you’re not being destructive.

    I’m NOT hiding who I am, I’m sharing who I am. It’s my choice. I earn my living writing humor, playing  the drums doing my art. I have a creative lifestyle. When I blog here I sometimes go into my own archives and share some of my published humor columns with you. I just enjoy making people laugh and feel good. It’s insane isn’t it? I spend my days writing jokes and comedy routines for professional comedians, writing roasts comedy sketches and humor columns to pay my bills. And when I take a break from that, I do it for free here!

   I’ve spent my life in a business where I know and deal with celebrities on a daily basis, so I take it for granted. When the Fox on-air talent shares who they are with us, there are some who think that they now know them personally. You don’t! Maybe someday you will, but that will be their choice.  They have become our friends though and should be treated with respect!!!!

   I feel that we’re ALL friends here and would hope we stay friends. But RUDE lascivious remarks DO NOT BELONG HERE!

   If we are friends…PLEASE don’t tell my agents that I DON’T get paid here…

Shhhhh…It’s our little secret!

   You guys are the BEST!

BOB!

Looks like New York Mayor, Mike Bloomberg is planning to seek a third term as Mayor!

I guess our financial situation is a lot worse than we thought, when one of the wealthiest men in the world, wants to hold on to his job!!

With the world in the middle of a financial fiasco, software billionaire, Charles Simonyi is planning a second trip into outer space to the International Space Station in 2009, again in a Russian rocket with another Russian crew. 

Sort’a makes you wonder if he Knows something that we don’t. An interspace version of “HOUSE HUNTERS?” 

Sharon Stone has lost custody of her son to her ex-husband. It seems that she over reacts to many medical issues. She believed that he had a spinal condition, that turned out to be constipation, and wanted her son to have Botox injections for a foot odor problem. Kinda Weird, huh? 

Here’s some advice from BBB…A Bran muffin once in a while for the first problem.  Dr Scholls foot soap and odor eaters for the feet. Somehow I don’t think getting any medical advice from her is wise, it appears that she has bad “BASIC INSTINTS!” 

With the Vice Presidential debate on Oct. 2, between Beiden and Palin.. I’m a little nervous… 

With all those pictures of Sarah Palin holding automatic weapons, a word to Beiden, I hope that he doesn’t stand on any floor pad behind his  podium that has the words "SPRING” written on it! 

I hope the Bail Out works, if not our entire country could be contestants on next seasons…

”SURVIVOR!”