ChrisMerchant's Blog

I'm not sure if this is News of Entertainment, or Entertainment News. Hmm. Another conundrum.  

 
Recently, I heard a quote alleged to be a Chinese proverb: No problem leaves you where you found it.

Upon doing further research, I've discovered that Confusious or whomever came up with it is right. Every problem you encounter will cause you to think about it, even if you're not tackling the problem. Need proof of my conclusion? Don't think about pink elephants.

I'll bet your mind went back to a cartoon you saw as a child, something dealing with a drunken character...

The problem: How do you have a commercial (as in "for profit") radio station with out long commercials? ('cuz after all, all we want is more music) 

ClearChannel Radio in Dallas has just launched digital radio that has no commercials. The concept is simple, a company will buy an hour of airtime and the product gets woven into conversation; remember the Jim Carry movie "The Truman Show"?

 
Guess what!

THIS MESSAGE IS FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF THOUGHT POLICE, CONSTITUTION DESTRUCTION DIVISION.

Mr. Christopher Merchant, AKA Chase MacLeod as a radio/TV pseudo-name, has made comments in the past that have been considered offensive to a small group of people. Predominantly, his comments have offended less than 10% of the population as a whole.

Due to the continued, stepped up efforts of anti-hate speech groups, Mr. Merchant (AKA Chase MacLeod) is having his constitutional rights to free speech suspended. Mr. Merchant (AKA Chase MacLeod) is hereby not permitted to speak in public forums or post his opinion on any web site until his rights to free-speech have been returned to him.

This action has been taken against Mr. Merchant (AKA Chase MacLeod) because of comments he has made in the past regarding the following:
A) The migration of workers over national boundaries and the legality of said migration and the willingness of those workers to work for wages that are what he feels is un-acceptable, drawing down what is internationally considered an exorbitant lifestyle.
B) The ratios of crimes committed by various groups, specifically calling attention to education level, parental status, citizenship status, vocational status, racial status, musical preference, apparel, and ability to converse in the English language.
C) The collection and use of tax dollars
D) The ability of current leaders
E) The decisions of the aforementioned leaders

Mr. Merchant has been remanded into a special program to have his thoughts and opinions re-shaped so that he does not offend anyone again. Similar programs have been established for others. For example:
A) For entertainers
1) “The Dixie Chicks”
2) Sean Penn
3) Michael Moore
4) Tim Robbins

B) For television personalities
1) Rosie O’Donnell
2) Bill Maher
3) Colin Quinn

C) For radio personalities
1) Don Imus
2) Rush Limbaugh
3) Glenn Beck
4) Sean Hannity
(Please note that the programs for Mr. Limbaugh, Mr. Beck, and Mr. Hannity do not seem to be working as planned. They are being modified as we speak.)

Mr. Merchant (AKA Chase Macleod) will return once his re-programming has been completed.

The following is a press release from a friend who is helping to organize a benefit concert. Big name country stars!


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
23 January 2007

CONTACT:
Janette Luttrell - JanetteLuttrell@cableone.net or
Maya Hall - my3pyramds@aol.com
10585 Three Rivers Road, Ste. 7
Gulfport, MS 39503
(228) 223-5433 / (302) 465-5308
www.AllStarJamboree.com


ALL STAR JAMBOREE
A 3-Day Country/Western Music Festival

American Legion Post 119 of Gulfport Mississippi is proud to sponsor the first ever 3-day country/western Jamboree at the Harrison County Fairgrounds in Gulfport Mississippi. The goal of this event is multi-purposed. First to rebuild the Gulf Coast Legion Posts destroyed during Hurricane Katrina and second to replenish the national American Legion Emergency Fund which was depleted by recent national disasters.
The event will take place over a three-day period: March 23rd, 24th and 25th inside the Harrison Country Fairgrounds located at 15321 County Farm Road in Gulfport, Mississippi 39503. The event will feature well known musical artists such as Gretchen Wilson, John Michael Montgomery, Clint Black, Travis Tritt, Moe Bandy, T. Graham Brown, Eddy Raven, and more. This will be a five (5) year annual event.
There will be something for everyone to enjoy during the Festival. There are 3 main concerts, two 7-9pm evenings, Friday and Saturday and one 9:00pm Sunday night. The rest of the weekend presents local performers, a Battle of the Bands and more than 100 workshops, classes, and sessions. Food vendors, instrument makers and a juried craft show provide a festive atmosphere.
Ticket Pricing: 3-day $75 1-day $35

For more information a complete program schedule of activities and sponsor information is available online at: www.AllStarJamboree.com or
Contact: JanetteLuttrell@cableone.net or my3pyramds@aol.com
Phone: (228) 223-5433 / (302) 465-5308

I walked into the local mercantile last week and discovered, much to my chagrin, that I am not a “demographically normal” person. I’ve always been big. I’m 6’3” or 4” (it’s never really mattered) and I’m a little on the overweight side (that is starting to matter). I know other people who are about the same size and shape as myself, so it never really dawned on me that I was abnormal. My sisters have always told me I was weird. I assumed that it was typical sibling stuff. My ex-wife says I’m quirky, but she mixes her corn and mashed potatoes together. No, I’m really the oddball…
I’m 35, and I’m switching careers do to a screwy sacroiliac. With the exception of a brief period on the radio, trucking has been my life’s work. I tend to approach things with the proverbial “blue-collar” attitude. I wandered into “Omni-Mart” for kitty litter, razors, motor oil, and batteries. I had no intention of buying shoes. I wear a size 16D. Most of the mega-stores don’t carry anything remotely close to this size. Someone compiled a data base that says that says more men have a size “x” this, and size “y” that, and the mega-stores bought it. Allegedly: the fewer the people in the size, the fewer the people to buy that sized item. Occasionally, I find a pair of shoes that might fit with a little stretching. As I checked over the rack marked “13 and up” (incorrect grammar, by the way), I noticed a layer of dust on the shoes that were there.
Dust. As in: these shoes have been here a while. As in: someone over-ordered. As in: these shoes are ugly and men with big feet are discerning. From behind me, I hear “Can I help you?” I turn to the cute young lass and ask “Do you have anything in a 16D?”
Her response was the typical: “No,” followed by “People ask for’em a lot. We can’t keep’em in stock.”
Dust has settled on the size 13’s in the rack. The 16D’s are sold out, save the ugly ones. What marketing genius thought of this? The “average” shoes sit in their boxes gathering dust, while the unusual fly off the shelves. Probably the same one who came up with the idea that the ugly, Velcro closure walking shoes in pale gray vinyl would sell in a size 16D.
I walk away, shaking my head. I gather what I need, happening by the “Mens” area. (Again, another error in signage) The sign above the shirts reads “CLEARANCE RACK $13 EACH BIGGER SIZES $15”. (My mind goes back to Mrs. Hackman’s Senior English class, knowing that she would share my chuckle at yet another error. After all, this is the local outlet for a Fortune 500 ® company.) I wear what is usually labeled an “XLT”. Of late, XLT has become 2XLT. I’m still trying to decide if I’ve added the XL, or if the sizes are getting smaller and procreating on their own to compensate. I know a 3XL covers my person, but it looks funny. The shoulder seams droop down to my elbows, and the chest pocket is lower than my belt. I stop and sift through the shirts on the clearance rack. The larger sizes on this rack consist of “L” and “XL”. “Can I help you?” Here we go again…
“I’m looking for a 2XLT”. Barely a heartbeat passes, and the retiree in the blue vest answers: “We’ve only got what’s on this rack and those two racks over there,” she gestures to my right. “We seem to sell out of that size quickly.” My girlfriend wonders why I don’t like shopping for clothes. I hate the rejection.
I head for the checkout, pondering the cost of surgical vertebrae removal. I stand in the express lane, overhearing the conversation between the cashier and the customer in front of me. “Mam, this isle is the express lane. The sign above you says 13 items or less. You have 18.” The lady in front of me continues to unload her cart, “The sign should read “13 items or fewer”. It’s grammatically incorrect, so I will incorrectly count my 18 as 13.” At last, a kindred spirit! I wonder if she had Mrs. Hackman for Senior English…