ChrisMerchant's Blog

I've had a request or two from people for something humorous again, like the blog I posted yesterday in Entertainment and the jokes from a few days ago.

THIS IS OVER A YEAR OLD:

I’ve recently moved to Orlando. I’ve been amazed at the difference in culture, as well as “the way things are”. I’m not talking about the Hispanic influence, or the climatic influences on culture.

I’ve taken a job with a construction/deconstruction company. We break things. Sometimes it’s a controlled break to assist with the building of something else. (I’m not giving it away because I don’t want anything legal to happen). The gent who was training me the other day pulled out a small pipe that resembled a 12 volt cigarette lighter. He lit it a few times over the course of the day. Peculiar odor; frankly, I’ve never smelled that particular brand of tobacco… Welcome to Florida.

We break big things; concrete walls, buildings, roads, bridges. His smoking of a tobacco of unusual origin was disconcerting to say the least, considering what we were doing at the time. Not to mention driving the #20,000 truck. I expressed my concerns to my boss, who told me that there was nothing he could do about it. This was disconcerting as well. I know that marijuana use is rampant in this particular side of the construction trade. In discussions with a few other people in the industry, the job market in Florida, Orlando in particular, is booming because the area is growing. The company I work for has given up running help wanted ads because the job we do is as physical as it is; people can find a job paying the same with less work involved. Welcome to Florida.

I called my cousin, who is a VP in the Human Resources department of a large company here in Florida. After the initial “WHAT???” she told me that if my boss is condoning it by looking the other way, there was nothing substantial I could do about it. I’d probably wind up becoming a pariah if I made too much noise. Welcome to Florida.

Ok. I’ve been here about a month. This is the weirdest thing. Floridians tell me that it’s always been like this. Florida has two separate offices for dealing with driver’s licenses and vehicle license plates. The state itself handles the driver’s licenses, while the vehicles are handled by a county tax collector. There are certain offices which handle the Commercial Driver’s License (CDL). This is odd to me because I am from Ohio, where it’s all handled through one state office. Welcome to Flor…. NO! Not yet… In order for me to get my vehicle plated here, I need to have a Florida Driver’s License. Makes sense, right? In order for me to get that, I need to have 2 forms of ID. My Ohio Commercial Driver’s License, which to obtain I needed a birth certificate, social security card, 2 utility bills with my name and current address on them, a local criminal background check, AND a Department of Homeland Security Background check, isn’t good enough. I also need to have a birth certificate, which is easily forged, or a certificate of baptism, which is even easier to forge! Welcome to Flor… OH NO, this gets better…

BEFORE I can apply for the Florida CDL, I need to have proof of Florida motorist insurance. In order to get the insurance, I need to have a Florida plated vehicle to insure. But I can’t get that until I have a Florida CDL. I will need to get a form from my new insurance agent, who was sooo happy to get my business he didn’t even return my calls, stating that I’ve paid for insurance through them, pending my issuance of a Florida CDL. That form is good for the trip from his office, to the special CDL license office, and back to his office. Upon my return, he will issue me a new certificate and proof of insurance. Then, I need to drive back to downtown Orlando to get my vintage 1975 pickup truck plated at the tax collector’s office. By the way, my plates expired yesterday, Saturday November 12th. The Friday before was Veteran’s Day. The 2 different government offices, which are allegedly two separate entities, have the same operating hours, 730 AM to 6 PM Tuesday through Friday. Welcome to Florida!