-JT-'s Blog

FoxNews has a Sexpert.  Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright. And she's written a column entitled

"15 Reasons Why She's not in the Mood."

 I know. At first, I thought the same thing.

 FIFTEEN ?

 The column is on the main page of Fox29. All the way at the bottom. I guess they figured if it had to do with sex, we'd find it no matter where they hid it.

 Guys, I know sometimes it's difficult to read the articles women write about men, because it seems somehow, no matter what the subject is, it's always OUR fault.

So, go ahead. Read the column. And fear not, gentelmen, I'm here to help.

15 Reasons Why She's Not in the Mood

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

By Yvonne K. Fulbright

Some women will want to string me up for this one. I'm about to divulge some of the real reasons a gal will say "no" to sex, even if she's totally in the mood.

  These are the REAL reasons, NOT the fake ones.

1. She feels fat.

  And that's before you even touch her. In a situation like this, it's important to create an environment  where she feels comfortable. So, stick out your belly, puff out your cheeks, and keep a stash of Rosie O'Donnell flicks on hand.

  Hey, it works for the birds. Only they watch Birdy O'Donnell movies.

2. She's feels gassy.

             Para fumar.

3. She has her period.

 Uh - I have no comment at this time. Yes, I do. Apparently, they've come out with a pill that lets a woman only have one period a year. Am I the only one that thinks this might not be a good idea ? Shouldn't we be trying to LESSEN  the potential for explosions ? (Both the literal AND the figurative). I'm a guy and I know my opinion doesn't count on this one (or any other one, for that matter) and I'm not insensitive to your pain,ladies (you too, guys) but, one a year ?

 When I think of that, two things come immediately to mind.

 Volcanos and oil wells.

4. She's wearing grandma underwear.

  Sorting laundry can be a challenge. Again, it's important to create an environment  in which she feels she fits in. Put on  red union suit underwear with the feet and the flap in the back.

5. She has a yeast infection.

 Baking homemade bread together can be a turn-on, but now's probably not a good time to bring it up.

6. She's sweaty or unclean.

  This is when being a volunteer fireman pays off. Quick access to a firehose. WHOOOOOSH ! "Feel better, honey ?"

7. Neither of you brought a condom.

Translation : YOU didn't bring one. BYOC.

8. Her parents – or yours – are too close for comfort.

 So, during Thanksgiving Dinner, the dining room table is OUT. Got it guys ?

9. Her nether region feels dry.

  Put the firehose down. No WD 40, either.

10. She's tired.

   Oh yeah ? I'm exhausted. And I'm only up to number 10.

11. She's already taken care of business.

Uh-oh. I wasn't REALLY exhausted.

12. She's ticked off at you.

Moi ? Hey, I said I wasn't REALLY exhausted. I'm taking a pill that only lets me get exhausted once a year. And then I sleep for six months. I try to time it so I'm asleep during the volcanic eruption and the oil strike.

13. She's grossed out by your lack of hygiene.

 So, if you're wearing a sleeveless shirt when you approach her, pick the radishes out of your armpits first.

14. She's waiting for her wedding day.

Presumably, her wedding day and your wedding day are like, you know, the same day.

15. She's pregnant and feels guilty for it.

Translation : YOU forgot to BYOC again. 

  Ok, I know what your thinking. How do you tell if she's feeling fat or if Grandma's walking around with no underwear? 

  Not to worry. 

  Just put on a red union suit, leave a few buttons unbuttoned, you know, for a tease(don't forget harvest time - radishes ? remember?), duct tape a couple of rows of condoms to your left breast (like military medals) extinguish all smoking materials at this time, stick out your belly and puff out your cheeks , put on the Flintstones movie, and yeah, you can wear a fireman's hat - but you have to stay indoors if you're not really a fireman and that goes double for the Zorro mask, try not to remember how ticked off she was at you on HER wedding day and NEVER EVER do this during Thanksgiving Dinner. Timing is everything.